My attempt at a story song, original concept??

[Crimsonpunk]

The other week I come up with an idea for a song I don't think has been done before. This is a story of a pickpocket and a beautiful women who go to like, the marketplace or something, and while the men are distracted by her, he robs them, if anyone has a crit, or had heard of a similar song, please let me know...

She's turning heads, while he's turning out their pocket lining
We covet all the things we need, for them that's not a problem
We count our pennies, they can count on man's stupidity
A better team there never was, the kindred greed and lechery

The silverwear reflects a darker purpose, than merchants aching to be lords
A shadow, noticed only by a princess, flawless, much adored
A dark day when I saw her, in seconds, darker still, much poorer
A whore, but of the highest class, my kingdom for a passing glance

Pre chorus
Are we all victims of our own predictability
I saw a mirror in the face of a string up doll, But I never could be quite sure what It means

Chorus
Theyv'e got a perfect plan, i'm just a man, i'm just a man
SHe's got a perfect smile, I finaly understand

The marketpalce plays like a chessboard, we the pawns and she the queen
The black knight has conspired against us, treachery as yet unseen
Relieved of all we owned, while eyes were so deeply lost in her
It's evident that wev'e been ****ed, and they never even bought us dinner

[dwdrumsmash1]

Woah - I really like it. It's really good. I REALLY like it, it sounds like something my band or I would write, that is really really tight. It's completly different. I wish I could write as well as that, it's really unique and cool.

Wow. ha, nice job!

[HumanSlaughterHouse]

i give it a 5...no offense at all!!! you have strong lyrics for sure, but too long of lines, make what u want to say shorter...and umm if you post more of it I'll critque again...I love it no question...
Awesome concept...keep at it!

[nonsense!]

i give it a 5...no offense at all!!! you have strong lyrics for sure, but too long of lines, make what u want to say shorter...and umm if you post more of it I'll critque again...I love it no question...
Awesome concept...keep at it!

I can't understand if all your posts are jokes/sarcasm.

[DeadReligion]

We count our pennies, they can count on man's stupidity < the only shitty line.

HumanSlaughterHouse, many peolpe on here, including myself, use long lines, and even punctuation.

[HumanSlaughterHouse]

Yes punctuation isn't bad at all...I think if you make your lines like...

"Im just a Man, Im just A man
I finally Understand,
She's got a perfect smile
They got a perfect plan...

thats what I meant...didn't mean no harm at all! I love it, just songs are simple, a complex song is a verbal skew...

[HumanSlaughterHouse]

My post aren't jokes or sarcasm...I like it, I just say things to help an artist get better...

[shayne_122]

Yes punctuation isn't bad at all...I think if you make your lines like...

"Im just a Man, Im just A man
I finally Understand,
She's got a perfect smile
They got a perfect plan...

thats what I meant...didn't mean no harm at all! I love it, just songs are simple, a complex song is a verbal skew...


Well, what most people are trying to say is that it takes a bit of length to put some actual creative depth into a song.

Don't worry though, with a Cannibal Corpse avatar, it's a given that you may have some trouble with prose.:p :smash:


EDIT:

a small critique now.

It's definitely not an original concept, but an effective tool nonetheless. I like the storyline and wordplay you have going on.

The chorus... yeeah. I didn't really like how it's complexity contrasted with the verse's.

The last little bit with the chessboard simile really stuck out in my mind.

[Crimsonpunk]

No offence to people, but would it be possible to crit my song, rather than using my thread to argue with other people??
Thanks to anyone who critted it

[I Love Fat women]

This is pretty bad in my opinion. It lacks depht and it's too straight forward. The story in itself isn't that interesting/original either.

[HumanSlaughterHouse]

cannibal corpse rocks the world... but crimson it rocks! sorry, i was trying to help!!! talk to ya later

[Crimsonpunk]

Cheers, any other takers....

[DeadReligion]

She's turning heads, while he's turning out their pocket lining
We covet all the things we need, for them that's not a problem
We count our pennies, they can count on man's stupidity
A better team there never was, the kindred greed and lechery
^ This is rather amusing, not in a bad way. It's like "Haha, we got your money you dumbass". However, its quite cool. The only thing is line three doesn't seem to make sense. Also, covet isn't the best word choice.

The silverwear reflects a darker purpose, than merchants aching to be lords
A shadow, noticed only by a princess, flawless, much adored
A dark day when I saw her, in seconds, darker still, much poorer
A whore, but of the highest class, my kingdom for a passing glance^ The silverwear thing is cool, it just doesn't seem applicable to what comes after it. The last part of line two is a little bit odd. Other than that, good.

Are we all victims of our own predictability
I saw a mirror in the face of a string up doll, But I never could be quite sure what It means
^ The first line is a good idea, but I think that is what the point of the song is, or it shows it, so I think that is a bit of a giveaway. The rest isn't bad.

Theyv'e got a perfect plan, i'm just a man, i'm just a man
SHe's got a perfect smile, I finaly understand
^ It sucks. I just don't like choruses. But this...crappy internal rhyme, nothing eye-catching or remotely interesting or deep.

The marketpalce plays like a chessboard, we the pawns and she the queen
The black knight has conspired against us, treachery as yet unseen
Relieved of all we owned, while eyes were so deeply lost in her
It's evident that wev'e been ****ed, and they never even bought us dinner
^ Chess is used a bit too often as a metaphor/simile, however, I think you did it well. The last two lines I just found annoying. The swear seemed...its not bad because it is a swear, I just don't think it worked well there.

7.5/10. Not bad, indeed a good start. Can you critique my "Misshapen Duality"? Thanks.

[jb6oclock]

this was a cool read for me I would have to agree with some others though,
the lines do need to be broken up and shortened alot of the words could be taken out and still portray the same message, also the line about stupidity of man is crappy get rid of it. I like the chess reference you used it well and it fit perfect with the story. good job and great concept. 8/10

[BillCosby]

my kingdom for a


jeff buckley much