Missing Your Lips

[Electric Riley]

A song of modern love. Simple and easy to read. Crit for crit, leave a link.

Missing Your Lips - Electric Riley

It's been fifteen minutes and I'm missing your lips already
Just lying here, alone but in good company
We had some fun
We had some laughs
We had some disjointed conversations and awkward moments
You grazed me with unfounded rumours and jagged comments
You forced your jaws to fuse and solder onto mine
You smoldered alongside me

It's been four hours and I'm slowly dropping off to sleep
Still missing the feel of your curves in my hands
We had some fun
We had some laughs
We had some wild, wild nights and passion-filled days
You stayed in bed with me till half past two
You wore nothing but what the good lord gave you
And I'm missing your lips already

It's been a week and I feel like complete ****
Missing and tripping from being alone, so damn alone
We had some fun
We had some laughs
We had way too many differences and clashes
You looked so damn cute in your uniform and your little hat
You kept doing that, making me want you so bad
And I'm missing that **** so much

It's been nearly eighteen months
And I can't even remember your name
But I'm missing your lips more than ever

[Crimsonpunk]

This is pretty cool, some lines seem a bit plain, but you manage to write about sex tastefully.

We had some disjointed conversations and awkward moments
You grazed me with unfounded rumours and jagged comments

Great lines, I can really picture these being sung to great affect.

I'd say 7/10, mabye change the 'had some fun' part, It seems to add a casualness that doesn't really fit the song, plus you can think of better words than that

Hope I helped, though I doubt I did

[nonsense!]

It has lots of potential, I hope you revise this. It's really good overall, but I thought the ending was kind of weak. Going from a week to eighteen months is kind of a long time.

I thought the writing was good, I'd need to hear it to give a true critique because I'm not very sure if I have the rhythm right when I sing it to myself.

7/10 with the potential for a 9.5/10