Part of You

[shadeddakotabassist]

well here we go again. time to set up another target...see how well this one pulls through the onslaught. thanks in advance for anything and everything crit wise. I'll try to return the favor as best I can.

I pray upon every midnight star
To let me be with you where you are
And on the gloomy, starless nights
I speak to the fires of my candlelights
I ask them to show me your dance
And take me back to our last romance
That's the one place I want to be
Everynight when you're not here with me
I'll remember when I first took your hand
And hoped that you would understand
That I just wanted to hold part of you

short eh?

[Crimsonpunk]

This seems pretty hackneyed dude, it doesn't read that badly, but your just saying the same things that have been send a thousand and one times before, try to think of more interesting words for what your trying to say.
As it stands 3/10
Although

well here we go again. time to set up another target...see how well this one pulls through the onslaught. << this sounds like a pretty cool line in itself

[shadeddakotabassist]

ha! I'll have to try and use it sometime then. thanks for the input. and believe me, I know this piece is cliched beyond the point of cliche. seems like a pattern to my work. anyways, if you want me to critique something of yours, be sure to leave me a link and a non-idle threat. thanks again.

[HumanSlaughterHouse]

Damn dude not bad at all... you don't need to change anything...
Just add some more versus and change what you're saying each time...

For me this is my last day,
Kingdom Come and with out say,
I portral you within my words
I hope you are feasted upon by 1000 birds
Ripped apart
Like you ripped my heart,
Lay you apon this forsaken ground,
Lay you down for your final sleep in this ground
6 feet down, sucked into hell
Like you tripped me and watch me fall
Horrid you bitch as you were to sleep
Not to torture me not to slaughter me

get my point different list different view, not that good prob but it was quick...

but by then its awesome

8/10

[shadeddakotabassist]

hmmm...I'll see what I can come up with...probably nothing quite as...graphic as what you portrayed for me...but then again yours was going in the opposite direction. again, though, if you want a critique from me, please leave a link, or at least the title. thanks much!

[jb6oclock]

You know if it were mine (I wish it were) I'd use this for my first verse and elaborate on the whole song as a stanza this is easily a 10/10 excellent writing skills displayed here and "cliche" or not I think with a great chorus and a verse or two more you would have a top rate song in your repitoir. Great writing!

P.s. check out [story from a sterile room] if you will

[kerazay]

I really like this. Yeah ok fair enough, it's stuff that's all been said before but you've captured it in a certain way so that it doesn't seem tedious or repetitive (did I spell that right?) but it's nice. Try and add a bit more to it and I say it'd make a pretty fanatbulous song gosh darnit!

[HumanSlaughterHouse]

I'd like a view crits... I got a few, my minds running haywire lol...

story of your murder
Dead Bodies Everywhere
Dooms day for you
Burn Me Alive...

or u can go to search and type HumanSlaughterHouse

[shadeddakotabassist]

ok peeps who've posted here. I'll get on the crits soon...prolly later today actually...I appreciate the input and I'll see what I can come up with to make this into something more of a song.

[Kwash2]

I pray upon every midnight star
To let me be with you where you are
And on the gloomy, starless nights
I speak to the fires of my candlelights

I LOVE that.