Summer Song...at the moment

[hale]

okay the title of this song is Summer Song, cuz i can't find another title yet..so give me your idvice and crits are always welcome with me, here it is:

v1:
we're the lovers treading through whirlpools
the performers dancing behind one step
and we're always reading but never quite getting it

pre:
i'm waking up at your doorsteps, singing even after the guests left

ch:
Cuz baby, this is where the story usually ends
but for us it only just began, for us it's just beginning<2x>

v2:
we're the gipsies fending our way home
idiots lost even after the path has been shone
we're just friends who never like to be overwrote

pre:
i'm waking up at your doorsteps, singing even after the guests left

ch:
Cuz baby, this is where the story usually ends
but for us it only just began, for us it's just beginning<2x>

bridge:
Because we're the lovers treading our way through whirlpools
the performers dancing behind one step
and we're always reading but never quite getting it
We're always behind one step, and we're never quite getting it

Cuz baby, this is where the story usually ends
but for us it only just began, for us it's just beginning...

Yeah thats the end, i know it's pretty short but i'm really impressed with it...so ya guys just tell me what you think of this song and everything...:chug:

[marvin]

nice song man,
good imigry how ever u spell that word:>

[Supro]

nice song man,
good imigry how ever u spell that word:>
ew. its imagery. And yes, nice song.

[marvin]

ew. its imagery. And yes, nice song.
lol

[drumass04]

we're the lovers treading through whirlpools
the performers dancing behind one step
and we're always reading but never quite getting it


I imagine the first two lines here being very delicate and light, some of your language gives it more of a clumsy feel. 'Treading' isn't a great word choice in my mind, I'm not too sure about 'behind' either, it just seems a little sharp. The last line again just seems a little clumsy and straightforward, there must be another way you can say what you're trying to say. 'but never quite getting it' really isn't very good at all, it's far too basic and static.

i'm waking up at your doorsteps, singing even after the guests left

Cuz baby, this is where the story usually ends
but for us it only just began, for us it's just beginning

Your pre-chorus is quite nice, it just doesn't flow extremely well, and sounds a little awkward when spoken out loud. Take the same idea, but change it around a little bit. To me it would sound better as this;

Singing after the guests left, I'm waking up at your doorstep

It still doesn't flow too well, so you'll probably want to re-word it somehow.

The chorus, to be quite honest, is very boring. Trite and annoying, it's nothing new. If you're going to use that line of thought you have to be original. Think up a metaphor or something like that, it'll make it much better.

we're the gipsies fending our way home
idiots lost even after the path has been shone
we're just friends who never like to be overwrote


Gypsies. I like the idea in the first line, it's different, and that's good, you just need to re-word it. Make it a little more poetic/lyrically sound. The last two lines are verging on cliched, but just avoided it, though it is only by a whisker. The ideas aren't exactly awe inspiring and neither are the ways you've put the ideas across.
Pretty much the same as the rest of my critique really.

For the bridge my comments on the first verse apply again, the repetition of a not very great line is a little annoying. You'll probably be able to get away with it if it's a better line.


Overall this isn't a great piece, you've got a few good ideas scattered through it, you just need to learn how to put them across more poetically, or from a more lyrical point of view. Lyrical devices such as metaphor and similes are very useful for developing your piece from a literary point of view, not only does it increase the readability and interest, it also helps hide the plot a little. I recommend you using a little more imagery as well, as this helps develop the story you're telling in a more interesting way.

Hope this helps a little.

Timmy P

If you don't mind taking a look at my most recent...Lost sense (http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=447186)
Cheers.