please help me

[Green Day's Favorite Son]

ok here is the deal everytime i write some lyrics and i show somebody they say it's plain i like my lyrics it's just it one reminds me of the last song i wrote help me please here is my latest song i wrote

Why do they keep staring at me?

Is there still blood that you can see?

Nobody came to my aid

They were probably all afraid

I guess no one seems to care

That I’m still choking on my own air (verse 1)

You all think you’re the ****

I’m get so sick of it

But all that you are

By far

You’re all just jerks (chorus)

I know I did nothing wrong

Is it cause I didn’t play along

Maybe it’s just for today

I still feel the dismay

I guess it’s only for kicks

I wish they’d die those ****ing dicks (verse 2)

You all think you’re the ****

I’m getting tired of it

But all that you are

By far

You’re all just jerks

Ya they’re all just jerks (outro) (chorus)

[hale]

dude,um i think it is kinda plain..but its still good, maybe its because your using the same ideas that your songs remind you of the other one you wrote..
i was wondering if you can send me your songs when you make a new one..cuz i still thought this one was pretty good..

[hale]

and i'll send you in a few samples of mine...but you don't have to if you don't wanna...

[Green Day's Favorite Son]

sure i guess but if your trying to steal it you can't lol because after i'm done writing lyrics i copy write them lol

[Snak3]

its ok

some of the rhymes seemed forced, try not to force rhyming, but let it flow naturally. The concept is and old one,, but you didnt add nothing new to it. it says the same things thorughout the song. dopnt worry keep wrting, eventally youl keep getitng better.o btw the lyrics ar eplain, need more imagery to it

hope it helps

[DeadReligion]

Trust me, no one will steal this. It's bland, terribly organized, and angsty. Good for pop music, bad for real music.

[Green Day's Favorite Son]

oh i understand btw can someone rewrite this song just as an example please it would help me so much

[hale]

dude, i would never steal someones lyrics...besides the way i write my lyrics are different, check out "Summer Song" for me and give me your advice or crits..

[dwdrumsmash1]

Yeah - kinda plain, try using a bit more complex stuff, not just simple rhymes. I like to go for alliteration....like, for example, in one of my songs it goes:

It burned straight through my blacked heart -
And Broke my Blacked soul appart.

Broke my Balcked soul appart is cool because of the B sound in broke and blacked. Try for stuff like that more complex stuff makes songs sound better.

[KillaBink]

Why do they keep staring?
Is there something I don’t see?

With no one at my aid
They’re probably afraid

Of a high tailing wonder I call me

They choke on their words
Because I don’t play along
But maybe just for today

They think life’s just for kicks
With nothing more to say

They better saddle down
As long as I’m around

Or I’ll leave them in a grave of dismay

They choke on their words
Because I don’t play along
But maybe just for today

-Just a thought. Use what you will.

[HumanSlaughterHouse]

Ok , you remind me of how I used to write...forced rhymes... when your writing just do it from you singing and then writing... let me give you a little help...OOO and don't be so complex...

Why do they keep starring at me
Is there blood that I can't see
Nobody came to my aid
Hiding in the shadows Im so afraid
I guess no one cares
ARGHH Im choking on my own air
You think your hot sh*t
But your just a piece of sh*t
And all you are
by far
Your all just fu...lng a$$h0les (don't use jerk, sounds childish)
Your all just fu...lng a$$h0les
What did I do wrong
Is it that time is it my day
I still feel all the build up, the dismay
I geuss you only needed a fix
Well you can go suck my dlck
Just suck my dlck
You think your hot sh*t
Im getting tired of it
You fu...lng idiots
But all you are
by far
You all are fu...ing a$$h0les
Complete fu...ing a$$h0les
A$$H0LES

[shayne_122]

hmm... so this is what kids do after they get bullied at school.

My opinion on the song is that it was a good begginer piece, because if the person starting doesn't have the angst or passion for writing, they will never go any farther with it!

Threadstarter, keep at it... try not to be so direct in what your saying through your words... try to use more imagery and symbolism as you progress through your writing career. (if you'd call it that)

I'm not trying to flame anyone, but a word of advice to anyone who's a new poster, (and well, old I guess too) don't listen to anything HumanSlaughterHouse has to say about lyrics, he's basing all of his advice off of a commerical standpoint rather than that of an artist.