The Cold Draft from a Bedroom

[Understanding In a Crash]

poem
The Cold Draft from a Bedroom

I wish I was here
In the place where I can call you home
Because it feels like your body is the only one I’ve ever known.
When you come with me my life is a movie
Where everything and everyone sounds so soothing.

The time on my watch is never set right
Am I the watch you forgot to re-wind?
I look back on the days where memories are put into bottles
The beaches sand crumbles as I stood there with my arms around you
We were set a sail looking to the oceans view
I threw my heart out where I belonged but you held me- it was with you.

The plot thickens-
I’m a recluse too.
I just find myself lost in a world of hurt when I’m not with you.
Miles away, days apart,
I just want to see your smile from beginning to start.

I have this bad habit of finding the right words to use
Let the smoke slip from my lips, as you stare confused.

I’m the rain that lasts for an hour
The brightest sun that comes out after
A pebble in the sand
Will you please hold my hand?
The smell of summer nights
Where we’ll take flight
Without a destination
Are you mine tonight?

[skim_01]

it wasn't bad. i especially like that last stanza. it just seemed different from the rest of the poem/song (whatever you prefer to call it)

[DeadReligion]

I wish I was here
In the place where I can call you home
Because it feels like your body is the only one I’ve ever known.
When you come with me my life is a movie
Where everything and everyone sounds so soothing.
^ I don't like the first 1.5 lines. The third I like a lot.

The time on my watch is never set right
Am I the watch you forgot to re-wind?
I look back on the days where memories are put into bottles
The beaches sand crumbles as I stood there with my arms around you
We were set a sail looking to the oceans view
I threw my heart out where I belonged but you held me- it was with you.
^ The second line is terrible, so is the third. Also, you meant "beach's" or "beachs'". Line four is real nice.

The plot thickens-
I’m a recluse too.
I just find myself lost in a world of hurt when I’m not with you.
Miles away, days apart,
I just want to see your smile from beginning to start.
^ This is all terrible, cliche, without imagery, metaphor, nothing.

I have this bad habit of finding the right words to use
Let the smoke slip from my lips, as you stare confused.
^ The second line is good.

I’m the rain that lasts for an hour
The brightest sun that comes out after
A pebble in the sand
Will you please hold my hand?
The smell of summer nights
Where we’ll take flight
Without a destination
Are you mine tonight?
^ The fourth line, and last line suck, the rest is quite nice.

7/10. Can you crit my "Bagpiper's Epitaph"?

[PurpleHaze420]

I really enjoyed that poem dude. Nice work.

And for some reason, I really like this part..
"When you come with me my life is a movie"
Its a great line. And good use of metaphor. I can totaly relate to that dude.