new untitled!

[Snak3]

this is like three stanzas only, i still need a chorus and a another vers or bridge

crits and opinions are welcomed

Issues that are better left unresolved
Afraid of facing the subliminal reality
Fighting passion for my toughts control
Crossing the last point of my sanity

Reasons that makes us act like we do
unconscious behavior that led us through
cover with a veil my natures vulnerability
cover it with maturity and a sense of normality

Bled thorugh my eyes to fix my mistakes
Looked to my right and hopes for your presence
found nothing there but unsettled expectations
You fled from the source of humanity's disgrace

Hollow thoghts diminish my sight
Facing doubt and its benighted figure
It's sinister laughter lullabying me at night
and its vicious existance beside me


well that's what i have so far
ill keep wrintg until i can finish it well
thnx for your time

[Snak3]

bump

[Green Day's Favorite Son]

very nice the best thing about this is the imagery keep up the good work and can you help me make my writing less plain here is my latest song

Why do they keep staring at me?

Is there still blood that you can see?

Nobody came to my aid

They were probably all afraid

I guess no one seems to care

That I’m still choking on my own air (verse 1)

You all think you’re the ****

I’m get so sick of it

But all that you are

By far

You’re all just jerks (chorus)

I know I did nothing wrong

Is it cause I didn’t play along

Maybe it’s just for today

I still feel the dismay

I guess it’s only for kicks

I wish they’d die those ****ing dicks (verse 2)

You all think you’re the ****

I’m getting tired of it

But all that you are

By far

You’re all just jerks

Ya they’re all just jerks (outro) (chorus)

[kevbud187]

very nice the best thing about this is the imagery keep up the good work and can you help me make my writing less plain here is my latest song

Why do they keep staring at me?

Is there still blood that you can see?

Nobody came to my aid

They were probably all afraid

I guess no one seems to care

That I’m still choking on my own air (verse 1)

You all think you’re the ****

I’m get so sick of it

But all that you are

By far

You’re all just jerks (chorus)

I know I did nothing wrong

Is it cause I didn’t play along

Maybe it’s just for today

I still feel the dismay

I guess it’s only for kicks

I wish they’d die those ****ing dicks (verse 2)

You all think you’re the ****

I’m getting tired of it

But all that you are

By far

You’re all just jerks

Ya they’re all just jerks (outro) (chorus)

please post a new thread.

kthnksbi

[Green Day's Favorite Son]

i did sry bout that

[kevbud187]

i did sry bout that
np man :)

[Green Day's Favorite Son]

can you please read and reply my topic plz kevbud187

[kevbud187]

Issues that are better left unresolved
Afraid of facing the subliminal reality
Fighting passion for my toughts control
Crossing the last point of my sanity

Pretty good intro. I see this as a breakup song. maybe its just me, but thsi would be very effective ads such. lol. use a spell check to make sure you toughts are correctly conveyed.

Reasons that makes us act like we do
unconscious behavior that led us through
cover with a veil my natures vulnerability
cover it with maturity and a sense of normality

First line has a tricky wording and flaws your flow IMO. The message in this verse didnt eleaborate as much as it could have seeing as you had an excellent first verse.

Bled thorugh my eyes to fix my mistakes
Looked to my right and hopes for your presence
found nothing there but unsettled expectations
You fled from the source of humanity's disgrace

A little insight into the plot, but the lines are pretty random and all over the place as far as to what is going on.

Hollow thoghts diminish my sight
Facing doubt and its benighted figure
It's sinister laughter lullabying me at night
and its vicious existance beside me

Okay good conclusion, but its kind of off topic and creepy, you oculd use a metaphor in a previous verse to foreshadow these metaphor possibly...?

I think that you are rushing writing this and should take more time and develop it's full potenial. Be paitent because the first thing you think of that fits won't nessessarily be the best but if you put it there "temporarily" it will end up sticking and that line won't reach it's superlative peak.

[Green Day's Favorite Son]

can you review help me too kevbud

[Snak3]

thnx, i will comment your threads when i get home
thnx for the advice kevbud, i will fix those things

[Snak3]

bump

[HeartHolder]

this is like three stanzas only, i still need a chorus and a another vers or bridge

crits and opinions are welcomed

Issues that are better left unresolved
Afraid of facing the subliminal reality
Fighting passion for my toughts control
Crossing the last point of my sanity

Reasons that makes us act like we do
unconscious behavior that led us through
cover with a veil my natures vulnerability
cover it with maturity and a sense of normality

Bled thorugh my eyes to fix my mistakes
Looked to my right and hopes for your presence
found nothing there but unsettled expectations
You fled from the source of humanity's disgrace

Hollow thoghts diminish my sight
Facing doubt and its benighted figure
It's sinister laughter lullabying me at night
and its vicious existance beside me


well that's what i have so far
ill keep wrintg until i can finish it well
thnx for your time

keep up the good work

[Snak3]

bump
(last one)