Viscerenity

[omgwtfboogie]

A sting of winter water woke him from his trance
He turned his head in yearning, never learning
What all had been now slipped through his fingers
Sand sifting, nothing of value left behind
Having nothing, wanting nothing

As he turned towards the march of waves
His mind painted its portrait of you
Of the last moment his eyes absorbed your light
Then you wilted away, splintered in his mind’s eye
And in sudden cowardice, he then threw your picture away

The gaze in his eyes focused on the face below
Empty it was, before it became nothing in an oncoming sweep
Erased as was before, the courage he found was adrenaline

Pulling chains with energy, not sincerely
He felt the launch, release, the pull
Acceleration made up for the speed that could’ve been but lacked
His body cast in waters, to free fall and settle
Skin turned dreary as the clouds, heavens above
No fears, no floating vermillion. Only cold, only imagination

Gasping but not for anything, no pictures painted
Down he went
The ocean walls aside, welcoming and breathing
What air was his was then transformed
Yet in his mind he’d been breathing life for the first time

Nothing could hold his past over his head
And so they drowned as he would
The sand became a bed in such secret ceremony
To house him and his mistakes
The past has passed and soon the future will as well
What’s left then is still more than the death of him

And all he was became free
Free to drift in his house of seas

[DeadReligion]

A sting of winter water woke him from his trance
He turned his head in yearning, never learning
What all had been now slipped through his fingers
Sand sifting, nothing of value left behind
Having nothing, wanting nothing
^ The first line is very nice. The second had a crappy internal rhyme, but content-wise wasn't bad. The penultimate line was nice.

As he turned towards the march of waves
His mind painted its portrait of you
Of the last moment his eyes absorbed your light
Then you wilted away, splintered in his mind’s eye
And in sudden cowardice, he then threw your picture away
^ Great verse-opener. The second is a bit cliche, but it sets up the last line, which is a good line.

The gaze in his eyes focused on the face below
Empty it was, before it became nothing in an oncoming sweep
Erased as was before, the courage he found was adrenaline
^ Adrenaline? How childish. I don't like any of this, honestly. It bored me.

Pulling chains with energy, not sincerely
He felt the launch, release, the pull
Acceleration made up for the speed that could’ve been but lacked
His body cast in waters, to free fall and settle
Skin turned dreary as the clouds, heavens above
No fears, no floating vermillion. Only cold, only imagination
^ Back on track, dreary is a bit of a weird word choice. Using vermillion may come off as pretentious, also it reminds me of Slipknot...

Gasping but not for anything, no pictures painted
Down he went
The ocean walls aside, welcoming and breathing
What air was his was then transformed
Yet in his mind he’d been breathing life for the first time
^ I didn't like this, I think only because of personal preference, it didn't have the greatness the rest of the verses did.

Nothing could hold his past over his head
And so they drowned as he would
The sand became a bed in such secret ceremony
To house him and his mistakes
The past has passed and soon the future will as well
What’s left then is still more than the death of him
^ The only good line here, is the third, the rest is played out and lacks any exquisite imagery.

And all he was became free
Free to drift in his house of seas
^ The first line is okay, but the second is great, especially as a closer.

8/10. Black dot is I'll crit it later, sorry, I forgot to. I'll ask you for a return crit when I have a piece I want you to crit.

[omgwtfboogie]

Black Dot.
Explain.