Under the Crimson Sky

[vocman]

This is my first attempt at writing lyrics, and It would be nice if you guys could help me out a little.
thanks :thumb:

Under The Crimson Sky

Oppressing the hate
Cleaning the slate
Filled with cryptic etchings
Catatonically twitching
Perception with red haze vision

Under the Crimson Sky
You took what was mine

Is it just a mammalian drive
Aphrodite’s breath down my neck
Or are the emotions anchored
Like neuro-linguistic programming
Trashed and scattered in my head

Under the Crimson Sky
You say your last goodbye

intense revulsion taking control
Distorted images of ‘us’ haunt my insides
philosophical debates concerning your disguise
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Perhaps It will wait a little longer

Under the Crimson Sky
Hope slowly dies

[vocman]

*bump*

[nonsense!]

Such big words. Are they really needed? You shouldn't have to pull the thesaurus out for your songwriting.

I'm going to be quite honest. I don't know what "Like neuro-linguistic programming" means. Brain-Language programming?

Too wordy. If this is your first attempt it was pretty good, but I'd stick to some simpler lyrics if I were you. 4/10

[The_Red_Death]

I agree. It seems a little wordy and pretentious. Most of the time it just alienates the reader/listener, it makes it harder to "connect to". Still, it's far better than my first attempt, despite being a little hard to follow.

4/10

[vocman]

thanks, I'll try to get rid of some of the big words :)

[deathscreamingsheep]

No really don't get rid of them. Only lose them if you're looking at this song as a purely commercial thing rather than art. Currently for me the vocabulary you use and word choice creates the imagary essential to the piece.

Oppressing the hate
Cleaning the slate

Not the best start, but the next few lines of the stanza are good.

Is it just a mammalian drive
Aphrodite’s breath down my neck
Or are the emotions anchored
Like neuro-linguistic programming
Trashed and scattered in my head

I like this stanza again. It's a good contrast between the brutish, poetic and then the cold feel of human technology. I don't think the last line is very good though, it doesn't sum the stanza up well and seems just tacked on the end. Also, trashed and scatterd... isn't that an Avenged Sevenfold song?


intense revulsion taking control
Distorted images of ‘us’ haunt my insides
philosophical debates concerning your disguise
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Perhaps It will wait a little longer

Maybe include some punctuation to show some form of direction and also tell a reader what is a statement or whether something remains unsaid etc etc... I didn't really like your rhyme scheme, but the 3rd and 4th lines were good. The last two were pretty mediocre though.

I'll give it a 6.5-7/10. It needs improvement but it's got potential.

Can you crit my song 'Notes of a Contemporary'.

[vocman]

thx, I'll jump to it

[slack]

Anymore, it seems pretentious when writers drop names from ancient mythology into their works without fleshing the relevant ideas out, and giving it more context. So it is with Aphrodite. It comes out of nowhere and is gone just as quick, and for what purpose? To give this credibility?

This sounds like something KMFDM would write, only slightly better. The verses are grammatical nightmares, but it probably works well with the music, so whatever. Second verse is probably my favorite in terms of substance, despite the pet peeve I have with name dropping. And then the last verse is again generally solid.

It's decent. Not atrocious, but nothing to scream and shout about either.

[DeadReligion]

Neuro-linguistic, was the only word that I think should be changed. The rest goes with the subject matter nicely, however, in most pieces, you shouldn't try to use that many big words. They are like any other words...too much of them makes them lose their punch/value.

[linamarquez]

if this song has music attached to it, don't change a thing. leave it the way it is.

[vocman]

Neuro-linguistic, was the only word that I think should be changed. The rest goes with the subject matter nicely, however, in most pieces, you shouldn't try to use that many big words. They are like any other words...too much of them makes them lose their punch/value.

I used that word to get a contrast between passion & feeling and thinking & talking, so I needed a word that included thinking and talking.
the whole stanza means something like:

is it passion, love, or am I just thinking and talking my way into an idée fixe to be found everywhere in my mind

I tried to make that a bit more poetic, and came up with:

Is it just a mammalian drive
Aphrodite’s breath down my neck
Or are the emotions anchored
Like neuro-linguistic programming
Trashed and scattered in my head

but know that I think about it, "neuro-linguistic programming" is an ugly word.


thanks everyone for the help :thumb: