WIP: Valentine Poem

[Slrainox]

Brightness blossoms out
Through circled hemispheres
Tuesday was emancipated by scarcity
A proposal of true insanity

Eyes that lock and stare
the hemispheres above
Blinded by beauty
Stream lined love and care

To go seperate ways
a tear would plunge forth
and dig it's grave
into the earth

Deafened by dream world doubts
If it all shrivled up
like a third-world drout
and the sun dissappeared
behind the clouds
A life of peril
would re-emerage

---

This is something I've begun to work on for my girlfriend. I planned to give it to her on Valentine's day, and perhaps make it into a song for some later on holiday/birthday.

Now it is currently a work in progress, and my forte is not writing love songs, or writing things to portray my love.

If you can offer and help, I've been mulling over ideas for a while, but I was stuck with the first verse, and half a verse for the last week, but today in class some ideas hit me, but that's not the point.

Please crit, and try to give me some ideas if you have any.

P.S.
The Tuesday part in the song is refering to the day I asked her out (October 26, 2004), it was a tuesday.

EDIT: NEWER VERSION:

Brightness blossoms out
Through circled hemispheres
Tuesday was abridged by scarcity
The proposal of insanity
fearing insufferable temperance
Cold shoulder abstinence

The Grudge we shared
before it demineralized
and left a Roman spring
for our adulation to materialize

Deafened by dream world doubts
If it all shrivled up
like a third-world drout
and the water dried up
sucked into the clouds
A life of peril
would re-emerge

Eyes that lock and stare
those hemispheres above
Blinded by beauty
Streamlined love and care

To go seperate ways
a tear would plunge forth
and dig it's grave
into the earth

A toast of glasses
the phosphorescent light reflections
A trust that echoes
in a harmonized refraction
as a sound vibration

[sandsoftime]

Well i hate to see songs go unanswered so here is your crit...i take cash, check, or visa

Brightness blossoms out
Through circled hemispheres
Tuesday was emancipated by scarcity
A proposal of true insanity
<hmmm...so you asking her was insaine...maybe this is the wrong message to be sending to her...i mean i was crazy for asking you...may not be the thing every girl wants to hear...just kidding but it may cause some confusion>

Eyes that lock and stare
the hemispheres above
Blinded by beauty
Stream lined love and care
<hmmm...i'd take off the care...it seems to cut into the flow>

To go seperate ways
a tear would plunge forth
and dig it's grave
into the earth
<hmmm...now this just sounds like your trying to hard to be sentimental>

Deafened by dream world doubts
If it all shrivled up
like a third-world drout
<ouch>
and the sun dissappeared
behind the clouds
A life of peril
would re-emerage
<okay second half with the clouds totaly conflicts with the drout>
<it's okay...needs some work...but i like the feeling behind it...you must really like her...or really want to sleep with her...but my friend this just wont cut it...sorry...oh and try not to end with how you would feel if she left...tell her of the glory of things to come>
<that'll be $19.99 or a crit...it's all the same>
<money can be sent to me...or crits can be posted on Cry Like You Mean it>
<p.s. i didn't want to say this but it's kind of cliche...but then again what isn't>

[Slrainox]

Brightness blossoms out
Through circled hemispheres
Tuesday was abridged by scarcity
The proposal of insanity
fearing insufferable temperance
Cold shoulder abstinence

The Grudge we shared
before it demineralized
and left a Roman spring
for our adulation to materialize

Deafened by dream world doubts
If it all shrivled up
like a third-world drout
and the water dried up
sucked into the clouds
A life of peril
would re-emerge

Eyes that lock and stare
those hemispheres above
Blinded by beauty
Streamlined love and care

To go seperate ways
a tear would plunge forth
and dig it's grave
into the earth

A toast of glasses
the phosphorescent light reflections
A trust that echoes
in a harmonized refraction
as a sound vibration

---

A more complete version, I'm still looking to edit/remove/and relocate verses.

The Grudge bit has double meaning, which I hope she'll pick up on. One being that about 2 years before we started going out we had the utmost hate for one another, and the second being a week before I asked her out we saw the movie, The Grudge together, this is when I decided to ask her out.

I am displeased with certain verse lengths. I am going for a sentimental/cliche kind of feel for certain verses. I've already had sex with her, and I just want to write her something as we aren't buying one another anything. I also plant to make her some things, but that's beyond the point. Help a brother out.

[PurpleHaze420]

Brightness blossoms out
Through circled hemispheres
Tuesday was abridged by scarcity
The proposal of insanity
fearing insufferable temperance
Cold shoulder abstinence
----
I really like this verse man. It really catches my attention. This is my example of a nice, complete, well crafted intro.
----

The Grudge we shared
before it demineralized
and left a Roman spring
for our adulation to materialize
----
I liked that verse. This is the kind of thing only she would fully get. And thats what makes the verse really good. A lot of great songwriters have done this same thing... like, mean one thing to you, but it means another to the artist. I love it.
----

Deafened by dream world doubts
If it all shrivled up
like a third-world drout
and the water dried up
sucked into the clouds
A life of peril
would re-emerge
----
I like this one a lot. But theres one thing, and maybe its just me. But by just reading it, it feels like you kinda just threw this one in here. Like it doesnt follow up, or so much have a distinced flow. Thats just my opinion though.
----

Eyes that lock and stare
those hemispheres above
Blinded by beauty
Streamlined love and care

To go seperate ways
a tear would plunge forth
and dig it's grave
into the earth

A toast of glasses
the phosphorescent light reflections
A trust that echoes
in a harmonized refraction
as a sound vibration
----
Nice. Great outro man. Leaves me with a nice vibe, and sort of a calm kinda feel. Great work!
----

I love it man. Great song. I really think your girlfriend will like it. I dont know her... but still, I believe she should.
And doesnt it seem like love poems/songs are easier to write about that most things? Since you have so much emotion, and so much thought into your relationship... it makes your writing a constant flow.
I hope my word helped ya out a little bit. I dont know so much about writing... but its all I really do. And I respect anyone who does the same.

Take it easy man
-Derek

[Slrainox]

Thanks alot for the comment. You have helped me out, I got it to some friends and they thought it was a little wordy, kind of not REO speedwagon romantic, but honest. Which is good.

Anything else?

[Silverhammer]

Brightness blossoms out
Through circled hemispheres
Tuesday was abridged by scarcity
The proposal of insanity
fearing insufferable temperance
Cold shoulder abstinence

i suggest changing the fourth line, like those before since it does sort of suggest that it was a crazy idea for you to have. i suggest

"A proposal of unity"

since that would be more understandable and more or less stating the purpose for the poem, acknowledging your unification with her. also juts to be nitty, put a period after "scarcity" to show the end of that thought because when i was reading it, the two ideas just fused and didn’tmake sense to me so period would separate them, but that's only a cosmetic thing and affects the reader.

The Grudge we shared
before it demineralized
and left a Roman spring
for our adulation to materialize

i don’t think the grudge thing is really necessary and might be confusing the theme so i'd change that and in the second line you use "demineralize" when i think you mean "dematerialize" since the former means to take out minerals from a liquid. i think you used the former because you didn’t want to repeat materialize like the letter does. So here is my suggestion for this stanza

The pictures we shared
filled with goodbyes
left a Roman spring
for our adulation to materialize



Deafened by dream world doubts
If it all shriveled up
like a third-world drought
and the water dried up
sucked into the clouds
A life of peril
would re-emerge

this stanza has nice flow of rhyme and idea but where is it going? what is meaning? why have you included it in, especially a third world reference. when making illusion in a love poem your love is suppose to manifest itself in...well i guess that's only if you are mimicking the style of the romantics, so then i guess it works.

Eyes that lock and stare
those hemispheres above
Blinded by beauty
Streamlined love and care

this is a very nice stanza, one thing i would suggest it to take out care, you already have the rhyme with love and above and, when read, care sounded like a stretch, and a bit meaningless as if it was only in there just for the stare rhyme.

To go separate ways
a tear would plunge forth
and dig it's grave
into the earth

i wouldn't mention suicide by loss love, though flattering, it then makes her question and even you maybe later on, if she s only there so you wont kill yourself. also it's building unnecessary pity, put something in there about how you guys are inseparable. but this is good imagery, just not right for the occasion.

A toast of glasses
the phosphorescent light reflections
A trust that echoes
in a harmonized refraction
as a sound vibration

it's over my head. i'd really appreciate it if you'd explain these lines and the meaning of their inclusion. since this is a poem to your mate, every word or line in there should matter and have more meaning than what is written. i suggest looking at some john donne, there’s a man who wrote fantastic love poems. overall, you have a nice concept and good intentions and i hope this works out for you and she loves it. peace. and thanks for the crit greatly appreciated!

[Slrainox]

Brightness blossoms out
Through circled hemispheres
Tuesday was abridged by scarcity
The proposal of insanity
fearing insufferable temperance
Cold shoulder abstinence

i suggest changing the fourth line, like those before since it does sort of suggest that it was a crazy idea for you to have. i suggest

"A proposal of unity"

since that would be more understandable and more or less stating the purpose for the poem, acknowledging your unification with her. also juts to be nitty, put a period after "scarcity" to show the end of that thought because when i was reading it, the two ideas just fused and didn’tmake sense to me so period would separate them, but that's only a cosmetic thing and affects the reader.

The Grudge we shared
before it demineralized
and left a Roman spring
for our adulation to materialize

i don’t think the grudge thing is really necessary and might be confusing the theme so i'd change that and in the second line you use "demineralize" when i think you mean "dematerialize" since the former means to take out minerals from a liquid. i think you used the former because you didn’t want to repeat materialize like the letter does. So here is my suggestion for this stanza

The pictures we shared
filled with goodbyes
left a Roman spring
for our adulation to materialize



Deafened by dream world doubts
If it all shriveled up
like a third-world drought
and the water dried up
sucked into the clouds
A life of peril
would re-emerge

this stanza has nice flow of rhyme and idea but where is it going? what is meaning? why have you included it in, especially a third world reference. when making illusion in a love poem your love is suppose to manifest itself in...well i guess that's only if you are mimicking the style of the romantics, so then i guess it works.

Eyes that lock and stare
those hemispheres above
Blinded by beauty
Streamlined love and care

this is a very nice stanza, one thing i would suggest it to take out care, you already have the rhyme with love and above and, when read, care sounded like a stretch, and a bit meaningless as if it was only in there just for the stare rhyme.

To go separate ways
a tear would plunge forth
and dig it's grave
into the earth

i wouldn't mention suicide by loss love, though flattering, it then makes her question and even you maybe later on, if she s only there so you wont kill yourself. also it's building unnecessary pity, put something in there about how you guys are inseparable. but this is good imagery, just not right for the occasion.

A toast of glasses
the phosphorescent light reflections
A trust that echoes
in a harmonized refraction
as a sound vibration

it's over my head. i'd really appreciate it if you'd explain these lines and the meaning of their inclusion. since this is a poem to your mate, every word or line in there should matter and have more meaning than what is written. i suggest looking at some john donne, there’s a man who wrote fantastic love poems. overall, you have a nice concept and good intentions and i hope this works out for you and she loves it. peace. and thanks for the crit greatly appreciated!

I like your idea of the unity part in the first stanza. I was using insanity because to me it seemed insane she'd say yes, which is why I added the next two lines to show what I was afraid of.

My verse about the drought was merely an intention of myself to manifest some sort of camparison of how un-good it'd be if she left me. My life was pretty no full of peril before we went out I suppose, but I was a drug abuser, and my marks were pretty terrible. Since we've been going out she's offered me motivation.

I suppose care can be removed, only because of you guys pointing it out :P

The part you think is suicide isn't really about that. I was trying to say my tears would fall from my eyes to die in the earth. A little extreme, but I thought it'd better then saying "I'd cry pretty bad."

The last bit is kind of stuff that she reminds me of. That's hard to explain. I used a toast of glasses to symbolize good times, and some sort of committment. The next line was just adding imagery. Echoes would be the clicking of the glasses (which being just symbolism for how I feel about her) is really just an echo of our proclaimations of love that we made. Harmonized just means it was in unison, which I'd like to think we are, and the refraction bit sounds nice but it was something she learned in Physics class that she thought was really cool. She had an odd obsession with how great refraction is. The last bit just closes it all.