Neverland

[Soel Jams]

come on Wendy let's fly
away to Neverland
adventure together
and cut off Hook's left hand
then we will never go
back to London again

come fly away with me
turn past the clock tower
and straight on 'till morning

so beautiful and you
believed in what they would
have said was a lie
sewed my shadow back on
when i began to cry

i like to sit outside
your picture window pane
listen to your stories
each night over again
and fall in love with you

come fly away with me
turn past the clock tower
and straight on 'till morning
with dust of a pixie
we will soar above and
beyond the highest stars
oh just think happily
keep flying alongside me

i'm listening to your stories
each night over again
and falling in love with you

[Crashing Sun Pod]

I like these words. The much-needed twist here seems to be that it's Wendy who's the object of fascination here rather than our effeminate Pete. She's the one with stories to tell and the one to be enamoured of. I suppose a guy could write this for his girl and think of themselves in the romantic way as Peter and Wendy. I'm getting a sense of a moderate to upbeat pop music for this. Do you write music as well?

Really liked some of the lines too:

and straight on 'till morning

This line is not very original but I think it still works well in your song.

[jb6oclock]

I enjoyed this. You did a great job narrating this fable from an abstract perspective, as CSP said I really like how you sort of reversed the roles, great writing. 8/10 OBTW do you write music?

[Soel Jams]

Well, I dabble with the guitar. Self-taught for a couple years. The "music-writing" I do persay is sit around and make up riffs and chord progressions, but I've not yet managed to put music and lyrics together very well. A couple of simple songs I have partially finished. I wouldn't call myself a music-writer though. I'd like to be able to...in the future.

[Happy_Squirrel]

Hmmm...well, some of this I liked and some I didn't. First off, the way that you had the lines chopped up made it hard to grasp the flow. A few less hard returns would have made it easier to read.

come on Wendy let's fly
away to Neverland
adventure together
and cut off Hook's left hand
then we will never go
back to London again

come fly away with me
turn past the clock tower
and straight on 'till morningI really liked the first four lines. Lines 5 & 6 could go after lines 7, 8 & 9, IMO.

so beautiful and you
believed in what they would
have said was a lie
sewed my shadow back on
when i began to cryI think that something might have been misworded here, because the first three lines together are hard to read and understand. I don't understand the last two lines, but the imagery is cool.

i like to sit outside
your picture window pane
listen to your stories
each night over again
and fall in love with you
I just flat out didn't like this verse. Firstly, I can't understand the flow and grammar of the first two lines. Secondly, everything just seems a bit too literal and plainly stated.

come fly away with me
turn past the clock tower
and straight on 'till morning
with dust of a pixie
we will soar above and
beyond the highest stars
oh just think happily
keep flying alongside meOne of the better verses. Last two lines could be spiced up a bit.

i'm listening to your stories
each night over again
and falling in love with youNice ending. I agree with everyone that you gave this story an interesting twist.

I think that there's potential as well as room for improvement in this one. 6.5/10, for now.

p.s. Thanks for critting my piece.