Cataclysmic Liquor, Broken Bottles, Ripped Rubber And Drunken Ice

[DeadReligion]

Cataclysmic Liquor, Broken Bottles, Ripped Rubber, And Drunken Ice

(Verse 1)
Elegant golden strings, dangle from the fragile ceiling.
They sear, like the sun, one touch will injure the skin; burn off.
The catalyst, lies in the depths of the intoxicated mind.

Cataclysms roam slowly in the night, these black cats.
Cursed wretches, with beady yellow eyes.
A sign a gunshot will come, a liquidized bullet will move through insipid air.

(Verse 2)
Liquor creeps into my veins, giving off radiant phosphorescence.
Crepuscular red wines, gradually make me rise, to a predicted inebriation.
These September infatuations, crescendo, to uncontrollable events.

Stand back from the stage, and watch,
As I sing my, inebriated soliloquy.
Tell me, why is wine red and black…colors of death?
And tell me…what’s the interest in lethal addiction?

(Verse 3)
I’m speeding through the world, on roads of…drunken ice.
My deuce coupe, is running over brown beer bottles.
They crunch, like the ice. The glass cut my tires,
As I take, another last swig from the wine bottle.

This venom, was invented, for perfect murder.
The accidental self-homicide, that is all so common.
It gets, damn close to banality. But, drunkenness leads…to irrationality.
Even so, this distorted old mind, this hypocrite, is tired of death.

[dyuaru]

Hm a different theme for this one it seems. I like that you built on the liquor thing instead of just having one stanza of it that didnt flow well with the rest of the lyrics like the old one did. Now the theme is more of a homocide by liquor which is quite interesting to me. My main complaint in this one is this stanza...

Stand back from the stage, and watch,
As I sing my, inebriated soliloquy.
Tell me, why is wine red and black…colors of death?
And tell me…what’s the interest in lethal addiction?

TO me the first two lines dont really flow with the rest of the lyric since all the rest of the stanzas talk about drinking liquor and such and then you get to where youre singing and sort of making it seem youre in front of a crowd. Try changing those couple of lines and itll be good!

[DeadReligion]

Bump.

[hedgefudge420]

ok....well Im gonna tell you that i dont think it really has the best rhythm to it and I dont think that there is a rhyme scheme...so if this is suposed to be prose...it`s pretty good stuff.....

[MidnightHysteria]

(Verse 1)
Elegant golden strings, dangle from the fragile ceiling.
They sear, like the sun, one touch will injure the skin; burn off.
The catalyst, lies in the depths of the intoxicated mind.

Cataclysms roam slowly in the night, these black cats.
Cursed wretches, with beady yellow eyes.
A sign a gunshot will come, a liquidized bullet will move through insipid air.
I feel like this would be a lot better without all the punctuation. Particularly, your line-breaks could give some interesting double-meanings that aren't quite there as presently written. I like the basic content though.
(Verse 2)
Liquor creeps into my veins, giving off radiant phosphorescence.
Crepuscular red wines, gradually make me rise, to a predicted inebriation.
These September infatuations, crescendo, to uncontrollable events.

Stand back from the stage, and watch,
As I sing my, inebriated soliloquy.
Tell me, why is wine red and black…colors of death?
And tell me…what’s the interest in lethal addiction?. Bah. Again with the overpunctuation. It really gets in the way. Also, I think the imagery in the first two lines of the second stanza is a little childish. It does a good job of conveying drunkenness, but just doesn't sound very good when read aloud.
Verse 3)
I’m speeding through the world, on roads of…drunken ice.
My deuce coupe, is running over brown beer bottles.
They crunch, like the ice. The glass cut my tires,
As I take, another last swig from the wine bottle.

This venom, was invented, for perfect murder.
The accidental self-homicide, that is all so common.
It gets, damn close to banality. But, drunkenness leads…to irrationality.
Even so, this distorted old mind, this hypocrite, is tired of death. Here, I don't think the overpunctuation is as bad as the rest of the piece, but you make up for it with the inane repetitions of "ice" and "bottle" in the first stanza. Also, I can't shake the feeling that the phrase "perfect murder" is cliché.


On a whole, I really like the message, and the imagery is terrific, but there's much room for improvement that I've already stated above. 6½/10.

[DeadReligion]

Bottles and ice aren't mentioned in the first stanza...how are those two lines childish? I'm just wondering, I don't mean to sound rude...

[MidnightHysteria]

Not the first stanza of the piece, the first stanza of that verse. They're both in there twice, but you don't use the repetition to draw any interesting parallels.

As for the childish bit, that wasn't the wording itself, which is fairly sophisticated; merely the imagery. It's just the kind of thing that's been used many times before (although not with your diction), so tossing it in is somewhat diminutive to the creativity of the piece entire.

[VUbaru]

A question:

Are these lyrics sung? Screamed? I can't imagine how you'd fit that many syllables into anything read/sung/screamed aloud.

I'm not going to bother critting because I'm not sure if I quite "get" anything you write. I've read a few of your pieces and they intrigue me on some level, but I don't know if I can relate to it.

[thickasabrick]

ok....well Im gonna tell you that i dont think it really has the best rhythm to it and I dont think that there is a rhyme scheme...so if this is suposed to be prose...it`s pretty good stuff.....

Poetry doesn't have to rhyme.

I liked the poem, but as mentioned before...the lines could probably be broken down more. Basically 2 out of every 3 commas would have been better off as line breaks. It seemed a little too wordy, I almost sort of see how hedgefudge420 mistook it for prose - but that's a little extreme.


My deuce coupe, is running over brown beer bottles.

You probably could have put in a little more effort on a couple lines, too.

[Mirror.Circuit]

well,it's mostly the same as the other song.
well,written for the most part,but i just can't see this being sung as a song.
and maybe take deuce coupe.
reminds of that old "she's my little deuce coupe,you dont know what i got."
which doesnt really fit the song.

[DeadReligion]

I got the deuce coupe thing from a videogame. Interstate '76, if you remember that one...great game, great game.

[termination.mirage]

This seems very intelligent and thought out, but I can't shake the image of Christopher Walkins reading this out loud. I guessing it has a lot to do with the punctuation, witch there is a lot of. The fact that alcohol kills is nothing new to anyone, but finding different ways to talk about things like that is pretty sweet. (Man, I sound smart.)

[DeadReligion]

Hah, Christopher Walken is AWESOME. You remember that scene in Pulp Fiction? God, I laughed for like...ten straight minutes.

[termination.mirage]

Well, I, thinkyou....... get .......... mypiont.