Untitled for the time being (I swear I will match your crit)

[Sword2020]

This is my first song coming off an extensive writer's block, but I don't want you to pull any punches on the crit. Also, tell me if you think it's long enough, because this is just the first draft and all and I think it may be a little short. As far repayment goes, it's jsut like the title says, I'll crit you just as exstensively as you crit me, and as soon as possible. With that said, here's the song:


It’s true I’m not from around here
And dirty Jersey ain’t my home
So no I’ve never been there
But grant me this for I have heard your song

And so I’m standing in my mirror
While all the world has been moving on
Yet I’m feeling like New Year’s
This time I’ll join them and address my wrongs


We were born worlds apart
But life’s where it ends
Not where it starts
So if you give me a chance
I swear I can prove I know how to dance
And let go
Oh well Saint Joe said so…
Chah!


I know it’s hard to believe but
Redemption lies just down the road
And yes it’s action not thought
But I can’t leave till I know where to go


Have at it!

-Sword

[dyuaru]

It’s true I’m not from around here
And dirty Jersey ain’t my home
So no I’ve never been there
But grant me this for I have heard your song
(Kinda a bit plain and straight forward, try using some interesting imagery or metaphors to spice it up a little)

And so I’m standing in my mirror
While all the world has been moving on
Yet I’m feeling like New Year’s
This time I’ll join them and address my wrongs
(Getting a bit more positive mood as you end this stanza. The New years thing is a bit boring so maybe change it and add some interesting phrases to replace it.)

We were born worlds apart
But life’s where it ends
Not where it starts
So if you give me a chance
I swear I can prove I know how to dance
And let go
Oh well Saint Joe said so…
Chah!
(I don't get this part at all...I'm guessing this is after you have stated your wrongs? The saint joe and "chah" thing is a bit weird for me, maybe you could explain why you put that in?)

I know it’s hard to believe but
Redemption lies just down the road
And yes it’s action not thought
But I can’t leave till I know where to go
(Don't know how this pulls together with the rest of it but I'm guessing that its that you know you can right your wrongs but you dont know the way/how. Kinda plain)

Overall it was alright, didn't really have the interesting points that I usually look for in songs though...4.5/10


Critique mine here
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=436111

[Sword2020]

Well, the New Year's thing refers to new beginnings, so I thought it was alright. Also, the Chah is meant to launch into a guitar solo or instrumental bit, since the stanza gets quiet right before it.

[DeadReligion]

It’s true I’m not from around here
And dirty Jersey ain’t my home
So no I’ve never been there
But grant me this for I have heard your song
^ Heh, dirty Jersey, thats funny. This isn't bad...its...i don't know, but it doesn't rub me the wrong way or anything.

And so I’m standing in my mirror
While all the world has been moving on
Yet I’m feeling like New Year’s
This time I’ll join them and address my wrongs
^ Ugh...I hate this. It totally rubs me the wrong way. I think its just personal preference, I find New Year's allusions to be dull, plus the last line is pretty god'amn trite.

We were born worlds apart
But life’s where it ends
Not where it starts
So if you give me a chance
I swear I can prove I know how to dance
And let go
Oh well Saint Joe said so…
Chah!^ Crappy structure, its long, but its the only one thats longer than any other verse...so yeah. This bored me, pretty trite. Sorry, not digging this so far.

I know it’s hard to believe but
Redemption lies just down the road
And yes it’s action not thought
But I can’t leave till I know where to go
^ I don't know how much I agree with the third line, but I liked 1, 2 and 3.

5/10. Overall, well, alot of it was really trite. The first and last verses weren't too bad.

[AndNico]

It’s true I’m not from around here
And dirty Jersey ain’t my home
So no I’ve never been there
But grant me this for I have heard your song

pretty good...it keeps you reading


And so I’m standing in my mirror
While all the world has been moving on
Yet I’m feeling like New Year’s
This time I’ll join them and address my wrongs

the third line doesnt quite fit it seems


We were born worlds apart
But life’s where it ends
Not where it starts
So if you give me a chance
I swear I can prove I know how to dance
And let go
Oh well Saint Joe said so…
Chah!

saint joe said so?
i like the chah!


I know it’s hard to believe but
Redemption lies just down the road
And yes it’s action not thought
But I can’t leave till I know where to go

rad


Have at it!

-Sword

over all, its a rad song..8/10

crit mine if you wouldnt mind,
You look it up
(thats the name of the song--you dont actually have to guess and try to figure out which one is the song i want you to crit)