Overflows a River

[dyuaru]

Overflows a River
Lyrics: DYU

Oh in the garden a callow green
Lies flower of unrequited love
In the pool of azure admiration
Your reflection captivates me
To the point of isolation

Here I stand drowned in your visage
Cursed to this poised image
I await those words

Blatant thievery you stole my heart
A harmony of words I wish to cry
Is it your intent to entrance yourself?
Until forest breeze brings in
A chorus of echoes in my heart

You are the muse~
To mesmerize me is your aim
I wish to burn away from your presence
Crying, my last words are spoken
In the ashes of a fruitless love

Reminded, that day of snowfall
Falling gracefully as you came
You were my only wish~
I reached out to that sparkle
Oblivious to your fading

You are the muse~
To mesmerize me is your aim
I wish to burn away from your presence
Crying, my last words are spoken
In the ashes of a fruitless love


Here is the new one, criticism is appreciated!
Not sure if this is as good as my old one, I tried a bit of a different approach to writing this one, tell me what you think.

[DeadReligion]

Oh in the garden a callow green
Lies flower of unrequited loved
In the pool of azure admiration
Your reflection captivates me
To the point of isolation
^ I think you meant love. It's really good though, nice imagery.

Here I stand drowned in your visage
Cursed to this poised image
I await those words
^ Your wording is excellent...

Blatant thievery you stole my heart
A harmony of words I wish to cry
Is it your intent to entrance yourself?
Until forest breeze brings in
A chorus of echoes in heart^ I don't like the first the lines here, just...boring. The last two are nice, I think you meant "in my heart" though.

You are the muse~
To mesmerize me is your aim
I wish to burn away from your presence
Crying, my last words are spoken
In the ashes of a fruitless love
^ Nope, banal.

Reminded, that day of snowfall
Falling gracefully as you came
You were my only wish~
I reached out to that sparkle
Oblivious to your fading
^ The third line is terrible, cliche, and whats with the tilde?

It was good, but then started to get worse, and worse. 7/10. I'll have a new one up soon for you to sink your teeth in I'm sure...

[dyuaru]

Haha I guess I messed up on some of the parts. And since you pointed it out I think I'll change the chorus as well. Stick to working with imagery, I'll have the new version up soon.

Oh and the overflows a river title is kinda referring to emotion and also referring to the myth that I wrote this off of, Echo and Narcissus from Greek Mythology.

[dyuaru]

Ok heres the new version and now you can understand the reference a little better since I used "narcissi" in it. Changed the name also, think it's any better than before?


Here Buds a Flower
Lyrics: DYU

Oh in the garden a callow green
Lies flower of unrequited love
In the pool of azure admiration
Your reflection captivates me
To the point of isolation

Here I stand drowned in your visage
Cursed to this poised image
I await those words

Seasons reflected the long awaiting
Of cold winter to autumn air
My emotion ever changing I wait
Until forest breeze brings in
A chorus of echoes in heart

The scenery revolves around us
As the rays of sun shine brightly
Watching the beauty of this narcissi
As it buds I am reminded of your memory
The splendor of emotion encompassing me

Reminded, that day of snowfall
Falling gracefully as you came
Covered in the ice of your beauty
I reached out to that sparkle
Oblivious to your fading

The scenery revolves around us
As the rays of sun shine brightly
Watching the beauty of this narcissi
As it buds I am reminded of your memory
The splendor of emotion encompassing me

[DeadReligion]

Ahhh, damn near perfection. DYUARU, you have an aim sn?

[dyuaru]

Thanks, anyone else have any criticism for this one?

[Sword2020]

[QUOTE=dyuaru]Ok heres the new version and now you can understand the reference a little better since I used "narcissi" in it. Changed the name also, think it's any better than before?


Here Buds a Flower
Lyrics: DYU

Oh in the garden a callow green
Lies flower of unrequited love
In the pool of azure admiration
Your reflection captivates me
To the point of isolation

(Okay, this is an alright intro, but I have a few issues with it. First, "the flower of unrequited love" sounds a little corny, and the third line seems too flowery, as if adjectives were put in just cause, not for any real reason.)

Here I stand drowned in your visage
Cursed to this poised image
I await those words

(This is much better, I love the flow)

Seasons reflected the long awaiting
Of cold winter to autumn air
My emotion ever changing I wait
Until forest breeze brings in
A chorus of echoes in heart

(This is better, the adjectives actually make sense, and I can see your reasosn for them. Also, the flow is much better.)

The scenery revolves around us
As the rays of sun shine brightly
Watching the beauty of this narcissi
As it buds I am reminded of your memory
The splendor of emotion encompassing me

(This is not as good as the on before it. I guess the whole budding flowery/ your memory/ splendor of emotion sounds too drippy.)

Reminded, that day of snowfall
Falling gracefully as you came
Covered in the ice of your beauty
I reached out to that sparkle
Oblivious to your fading

(I like this better, truly, it sounds sound better to me, and the flowery imagery is not too overdone.)

The scenery revolves around us
As the rays of sun shine brightly
Watching the beauty of this narcissi
As it buds I am reminded of your memory
The splendor of emotion encompassing me

(I've already touched on this.)/QUOTE]

Overall, it's not my style, so take it all with a grain of salt, but I think that you overdo the imagery a bit. It really just reads a bit too flowery. Still, there were some good verses in there, so i guess just try to cut back, and focus more on the flow as opposed to the imagery. Anyway, thanks for the crit,

-Sword

[dyuaru]

Haha I guess our styles of writing are totally different :D
Anyways thanks for the crit and I'll definitely keep what you said in mind

[Sword2020]

Yeah, hahaha. I'm interested to see your next one.

[sandsoftime]

Oh in the garden a callow green
Lies flower of unrequited love
In the pool of azure admiration
Your reflection captivates me
To the point of isolation
<holy crap nice verse... nothing bad to say about this>

Here I stand drowned in your visage
Cursed to this poised image
I await those words
<not as good as the beginning...i was hopeing it would build up>

Seasons reflected the long awaiting
Of cold winter to autumn air
My emotion ever changing I wait
Until forest breeze brings in
A chorus of echoes in heart
<second line is seems backwords but its fine>

The scenery revolves around us
As the rays of sun shine brightly
Watching the beauty of this narcissi
As it buds I am reminded of your memory
The splendor of emotion encompassing me
<nothing bad about this>

Reminded, that day of snowfall
Falling gracefully as you came
Covered in the ice of your beauty
I reached out to that sparkle
Oblivious to your fading
<last line is wonderful>

The scenery revolves around us
As the rays of sun shine brightly
Watching the beauty of this narcissi
As it buds I am reminded of your memory
The splendor of emotion encompassing me
<well all in all this was a great song i really can find no major faults and the minor ones are probably just me>

[dyuaru]

Thanks for all the comments guys! I plan to be writing another one this weekend but for sword, heres the old one.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=435488

More comments are always appreciated, thanks!