Disabling Inebriation

[DeadReligion]

Hmm, I don't know if this is finished or not...this was the result of SandsOfTime, and I playing the Lyric Game Fing on aim...

Disabling Inebriation

(Verse 1)
Elegant golden strings, dangle from the fragile ceiling.
They sear, like the sun, one touch will injure the skin; burn off.
The catalyst, lies in the depths of the intoxicated mind.

Cataclysms roam slowly in the night, these ****ing black cats.
Cursed wretches, with beady yellow eyes.
A sign a gunshot will come, a bullet will move through insipid air.

(Verse 2)
Liquor creeps into my veins, giving off radiant phosphorescence.
Crepuscular red wines, gradually make my alcohol level rise.
These September infatuations, crescendo, to uncontrollable events.

Poisonous freedom, lurks somewhere, in this black drink.
The mix, of intoxicating weaponry, makes a wrangled body, collapse,
Into a maddening sleep.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Even by your standards this seems a little abstract and overall it has a feel of being incomplete. I think this could well be because it stemmed out of the lyric game.

Elegant golden strings, dangle from the fragile ceiling.
They sear, like the sun, one touch will injure the skin; burn off.
The catalyst, lies in the depths of the intoxicated mind.

Lines 1 and 3 were good, but the 2nd was too choppy and the last two words ruin it.

Cataclysms roam slowly in the night, these ****ing black cats.
Cursed wretches, with beady yellow eyes.
A sign a gunshot will come, a bullet will move through insipid air.

The "****ing" doesn't really add anything, in fact even worse it takes away from the flow of the line. But aside from that I liked the verse, though I wasn't too sure about the relevance of the last line. I think I kind of get it but as I said this poem/song seems a little more abstract than your usual stuff. I think the 'will' bit show the inevitability or whatever after the first two lines are laced with bad luck symbols that predict a possible happening...

The next three lines are alright, but I felt the sudden jerk back down to earth in "alcohol level rise" isn't really warranted and doesn't fit with the more poetic parts of the song. This language would fit in fine if the poem/song was a little longer so it could be better anticipated and pulled off.

Poisonous freedom, lurks somewhere, in this black drink.

This is a little cliché but not a bad line.

Into a maddening sleep.

Didn't like this line. It felt like a conclusion come too early and really I think the whole song in general needs a bit of expanding on.

Overall I think this has potential, but it needs expanding on and revising.

[dyuaru]

My main complaint with this one is the line with the black cats, I don't really think its a good piece of imagery and the "****ing" part makes it even less enjoyable. Some of the lines in this I quite liked, since you are a very good writer, there is always good lines that accompany the bad. I agree that the first stanza is quite good and that the second line isnt as good but it still works. The stanza with the liquor might be a too much, I'd suggest taking out one of the referances to drinks. And then in the last stanza has more of drinks, so yeah maybe take one of those out. It's alright, the first stanza is my favorite, but overall I don't think this one was as good as your other works.

Take a look at my new one if you get the time.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=436111

[DeadReligion]

Yeah, actually, I think I'd like this closed...I'll resubmit it, once I get it edited.