Me vs. Me (With recording)

[VUbaru]

Sup y'all. I posted a bunch of critiques and some of my own songs here this past summer and I've recently gotten back to working on some music.

This song is what some would call "Emo," so if you're not open-minded please move on to the next thread. It was recorded in my buddy's basement, so it's obviously not of great quality. We need to mix it better. I'm not great on the drums (I'm mainly a guitarist/vocalist) or bass, but oh well. It's not great, so be forewarned. Here are the lyrics:

A voice calls out from the shadows
The vain swept by the wind
I seek an answer but find nothing
Echoes from within

I drown in shallow water
Reflections hold me down
I seek an answer but find nothing
The emptiness of sound

[I'm armed to the teeth
All my friends surround me
(The crowds begin to thin
Now I'm found alone)
Alive for years in coffins of concrete
(The flowers never came
But my funeral's the same)] --[[[[I realize this is the weakest part of the song and am thinking about revising it.]]]]]]

Chorus:

Will I give in?
Will my heart outlast my head
Or give out before I'm dead?
Repeat this breath before I'm gone
(Repeat this breath before I'm gone)
Lest we forget how I carried on

Don't listen to the voice inside
Saying things that aren't true
(When you wonder why I lie
Remember who you're talking to)

This is me against myself
(This is me taking control)
This is me asking for help
(I'm too proud to let go)

(Chorus)

A candle lit at both ends
What's to do when the flames meet?
(The light grows dim)

(Chorus)

My wick's burning down
The light grows dim.

If you just want to hear what I consider the best part of the song, skip ahead to 3:30 and listen to the bridge with the vocal harmony. The song is fairly long and we might shorten it the next time we record it.

Here's the link. It should be the first song that plays. http://www.myspace.com/pistolsat20paces

[VUbaru]

Nothing?

[termination.mirage]

This is a pretty cool song. I didn't get to hear it, but at least the lryics are solid. What kind of music is it set to? I'm guessing Bright-eyes, But thats just me being ignorant. I like the bit about a candle burning at both ends, but I don't really get the parentasis. (I can't spell). Are there two singers?

[VUbaru]

Yeah. The gimmick of this song, so to speak, is that there are two singers. One representing "me" as a normal member of society, the other representing "me" as who I really am. Other than that part, I look back on this song (which I wrote almost a year ago) and kind of laugh at how bad it is. There are some diamonds in the rough, I suppose.

Poetry fiends might recognize the "candle lit at both ends" in the work of Edna St. Vincent-Millay.

Thanks for the crit, mang. I guess I'd call the music emo-rock, although to be honest I haven't really thought of any comparisons between my project and any well known bands.

[Snak3]

hey
well overall it's a good topic, but the song really doesn't say anyting new about it, conflict between multiple personalities

A voice calls out from the shadows
The vain swept by the wind
I seek an answer but find nothing
Echoes from within

i like this stanza,

i havent heard the recoding yet, but the conceptof using to different voices to represent 2 different personalities seems interesting, i might hear it later, when i get to a descent computer

i hpe it helps

[VUbaru]

I guess I should specify it's not always the other voice talking. Sometimes I just like to sing :) My friend did lead vocals on this.

Maybe that's something I could revise. Thanks for the crit.

[Snak3]

i just heard it
it should have more changes , musically speaking ((IMO)),
i myself have a screamo band, we are working on new material :)
one you guys has the same voice as mark hoppus form blink (ok sort of but still)
another tihgn its not a little to light IMO, again musically speaking, then again it goes with the way its sung
hope it helps