Random Experiment

[deathscreamingsheep]

This little piece stemmed from my attempt at writing a sonnet. Needless to say I failed miserably.

NB: It's not called Random Experiment.

Sonnet, a work of the romantic soul:
to constrain the creative mind's outburst-
Metre lines are controlled as if rehearsed.
And yet it is as I had enrolled
In some law society: bloated, old
Though inspired I can't think rhythm and verse
But open new doors in which I charge headfirst;

Shimmering suns coalesce uncontrolled.
A savage scene awaits me
convulsing it explodes for metre cannot contain
Muse lest it sink below the sunless ocean.

Fatigue grips the pen and the sonnet form returns
A pitiful excuse thus this song adjourns.

[Music_Is_My_Life]

Well based on the assumption that this isn't supposed to be a sonnet, (incorrect ryhme scheme) I think it has potential. The first few lines seem somewhat awkward to me as does the last line of the first stanza. I like the second stanza, good imagery, conveys a sense of desperation. Sort of a weak ending but I don't have huge problems with it other than matters of personal taste.

If this is intended to be a sonnet then you need to restructure the rhyming scheme as such:
a
b
a
b
c
d
c
d
e
e

Hope this helps.

[deathscreamingsheep]

It's based on a Sonnet called Composed Upon Westminster Bridge which follows a different scheme to the Shakesperian sonnet.

A
B
B
A
A
B
B
A
C
D
C
D
C
D

It does actually start as a sonnet in that form, however, the idea is that the poem is disrupted suddenly and the form is broken: I added a couplet rather than use the CD in the Westminster Bridge poem because it's more recognisable as a traditional Shakesperian ending and would make the ending more distinguishable as a return to a prescribed formula.

[DeadReligion]

It's Shakespearean.

Sonnet, a work of the romantic soul:
to constrain the creative mind's outburst-
Metre lines are controlled as if rehearsed.
And yet it is as I had enrolled
In some law society: bloated, old
Though inspired I can't think rhythm and verse
But open new doors in which I charge headfirst;
^ The first three lines, are perfect. as are the last two. I didn't like "In some law..." that line seemed out of place, and boring. The one before that is oddly written, and just..not up to par.

Shimmering suns coalesce uncontrolled.
A savage scene awaits me
convulsing it explodes for metre cannot contain
Muse lest it sink below the sunless ocean.
^ A...A...A...*stammers, awe-stricken*. I've...nothing to critique, this is bloody perfect.

Fatigue grips the pen and the sonnet form returns
A pitiful excuse thus this song adjourns.
^ *Repeats awe-stricken gasp* Lovely ending.

I'll give this 9/10. This is great.
Hmm, well, you've already critted "Dicta Of The Weak-Minded" so, well, I'll be posting a piece later called "Disabling Inebriation", if you'd be so kind as to crit that.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Thanks a lot. I'll see about revising the lines and bits in the first verse.

Any other takers?

I'll crit Disabling Inebriation.

[dyuaru]

Real interesting sonnet you got here. I don't know much about these but this one is really great! Many of the lines are just perfect and sound so beautiful when strung together like you have done. It just flows so perfectly together and there arent many lines that ruin this flow. Very well done indeed 9/10

Comment some of mine if you get the chance
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=436111
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=435488

[sandsoftime]

wow i am ashamed of my terrible writing and wish my songs were half as good as this