Wish I was Here

[Zjanarhi]

Hello Boys and/or girls, I'm back after an extremely long internet hiatus (I'm back to Dial-Up again which sucks azz). This is a song I wrote very recently, so crit and I'll crit you back. :)

Wish I was here


It’s well into September and this flower has yet to bloom,
I blindly let embers of passion once had to their doom,
Life’s demons have torched my orchard along with these
Grapevines and meadows till all is ashes,
And no one dares lend a hand to a soulless leper,
Help and he might corrupt the masses

Well, I wish I was here,
And I hope I’m not dead yet,
Hope there’s more life in my time

Everyone around me knows I have no soul,
They must think I’m contagious,
My skin has lost all pigment and my hair is coal black,
‘Cuz I haven’t seen the sun in ages

“What child is this?” They said the moment I was born,
Soon after the cord was cut, there grew a storm

Well, I wish I was here,
And I hope I’m not dead yet,
Hope there’s more life in my time

To reach my heaven, I must first cross my hell,
And my eyes don’t see that far ahead,
So I’ll stay here, decay here and wither like all things,
And my eyes can’t see that I’m dead


Thanks for reading.

[DeadReligion]

It’s well into September and this flower has yet to bloom,
I blindly let embers of passion once had to their doom,
Life’s demons have torched my orchard along with these
Grapevines and meadows till all is ashes,
And no one dares lend a hand to a soulless leper,
Help and he might corrupt the masses
^ I like this a lot, except for the rhymes...

Well, I wish I was here,
And I hope I’m not dead yet,
Hope there’s more life in my time
^ I'm sorry, can you scream cliche just a bit louder? Lol...I obviously didn't like this.

Everyone around me knows I have no soul,
They must think I’m contagious,
My skin has lost all pigment and my hair is coal black,
‘Cuz I haven’t seen the sun in ages

“What child is this?” They said the moment I was born,
Soon after the cord was cut, there grew a storm
^ Not seeing the sun is a bit trite, but I liked this, the last line was good.

To reach my heaven, I must first cross my hell,
And my eyes don’t see that far ahead,
So I’ll stay here, decay here and wither like all things,
And my eyes can’t see that I’m dead
^ Very cool, lovely little ending.

8/10. Overall, there were some bad rhymes, and trite parts, but not bad.