New lyrics (need title)

[Snak3]

this is something i wrote a while ago. crit it please,

I suffer to remember thee
Help me cure the angst in me
Smother my insecurity
Cover it with your veil
Take away the fear
Shade it with maturity

Surrender what belongs to me
Filled with pain and jealousy
I can’t be just another one
I am free when I’m your slave
I am weak, when I should be brave
Wish you wouldn’t tell m wrong

Afraid of what’ll happen next
Foolishness at its best
Numbness in all my moves
Can’t define fake from truth
Resembles to my own youth
Mysteries at the age we bloom

Dispel me from my own gloom
Made me carve my own tomb
Martyr of what I believe is right
Rage against those who try
Selfishness we can’t deny
Led us to the darkness of the bright
-------------------------------------------------------
maybe is not good, but i keep tryin'

[Snak3]

bump!

[sandsoftime]

Snak3 whats up?

I suffer to remember thee
Help me cure the angst in me
Smother my insecurity
Cover it with your veil
Take away the fear
Shade it with maturity
<i like this rhyme scheme its nice...but it seems choppy>

Surrender what belongs to me
Filled with pain and jealousy
I can’t be just another one
I am free when I’m your slave
I am weak, when I should be brave
Wish you wouldn’t tell m wrong
<okay this is getting a little annoying to have both of these verses rhyme with me...wait the rhyming scheme changed...why?...the first pattern was better>

Afraid of what’ll happen next
Foolishness at its best
Numbness in all my moves
Can’t define fake from truth
Resembles to my own youth
Mysteries at the age we bloom
<Line three isn't so great it sounds wrong...i understand what you are saying just say it in a better way>

Dispel me from my own gloom
Made me carve my own tomb
Martyr of what I believe is right
Rage against those who try
Selfishness we can’t deny
Led us to the darkness of the bright
<last line makes no sense...what about led us to the darkness bordering(or outside) the light>
<well i hope this helps and if you think that i am an idiot and want to call me a bunch of crude and offensive names feel free on Crux of Aversion or To Reduce Serious Injury>

[Snak3]

i tried somehting new
but it didn;t work
will probably go back to my style :)
thnx for the comment

[hedgefudge420]

Mysteries at the age we bloom
'


is this song about puberty???

oK well I liked it overall I`d give it a 9/10.......hmmm...it`s not too complicated to understand like a lot of stuff I read......:thumb:

You should name it "The Fro Down Below"
if it is about puberty that is.....heh

[Snak3]

yeah it is
like growing up and stuff

[DrownedThought]

Growing Into Your Shoes