Zippo Friends

[Sloth]

Hey, here with another freewrite exercise... crits and comments are neat :naughty:


-_-
Friends (we are) with Zippo lighters flick the flint
for a glint of delight and clapping ourselves
shut before flames and fancy love (just a hint)
can become trendy, being
shown on magazine covers on store shelves.
Friends (we are) with Zippo lighter flick the flint
For that spark and nothing more; we were
Never willing to fuel us forward.
Unwilling and unable to afford
Fuel and that which is necessary.
We are brief and incessant
“tsssst…tsssst…tsssst”
in repetitious staccato rhythms
“clink…tsssst…clap”
a spark to light our eyes
a clap to crush our hope
we are Zippo friend running down the flint
-_-


thanks for the read.
(I owe a few of you out there a couple crits...so if you are one of those people, sit tight.. I've been busy and haven't been on here much, if at all..crits on coming soon)
cheers :chug:

[DeadReligion]

The rhyming gets a tad bit annoying. That said, it was quite nice, it was sort of jokey, yet serious at the same time...worded nicely. 8.5/10. Sorry, I've got nothing better to say :-/.

If you want to, can you crit my "Dicta Of The Weak-Minded"? You don't have to, since I didn't give you much help, but if you're bored...

[Zjanarhi]

Hey Sloth, It's been a long time. As for your song... Um... I won't lie and say I understand it. I guess it's one of those "You shoulda been there," deals. Colorful language as always expected from you. Although I don't think, "Tssssst...tssssst...tssssst" will sound good in a song (if that is what this is.) All in all, 8/10 to make up for the time I've been away, for the song itself, and for the fact that I don't understand it.:)

[VUbaru]

Interesting language and use of rhyming in the first part of the song. I like it and all the compliments I'd have for it were pretty much already said.

Problems I forsee include your use of onomatopoeia (words that sound like the sound you are describing) and the line "repetitious staccato rhythms" will be tough as hell to sing.

You could make this into a fine song, if you wanted.

[Sloth]

The rhyming gets a tad bit annoying. Yeah, after looking back, it bothered me too... thanks for pointing that out.


And to answer the song question...It's not a song.. I guess it COULD be one if I tried hard enough, but I won't.. It's just a freewrite exercise from class..
Thanks for the crits guys


Anyone else?