View Full Version : Dicta Of The Weak-Minded
DeadReligion
01-19-2006, 08:40 PM
Dicta Of The Weak-Minded
(Verse 1)
Mazy cataracts and straight pitfalls, lead down to something unseen.
There is a smokescreen, that’s denser than gas chamber air.
The clean blue water, reflects streetlamp size lights.
This orange dusk-like candescence reflects off the whitewater.
(Verse 2)
This omniscient narrator, chronicles the fight, you thought him to be so brilliant.
You rub your eyes vigorously, and develop a sty,
And you finally realized he was just a homeless, cocaine addict.
Beard white, with what was, his last line,
Wet with his withdrawal sweat, and tears.
(Verse 3)
The dicta, is spread, bred like bacteria, across these fallowed walls.
The rhetoric of a politic, spoken by the… chief executive?
The heretic, has only an empty clip. Can you speak to these wallowed falls?
Grandiloquence plagues politicians, while we stand mute, with nothing to dispute.
(Verse 4)
Lately, I’ve been dreaming of a stone wall, boasting forty-one stories.
With no handholds, there is a window at the top; my objective.
And I suppose when elephants fly, then surely so will I.
But until then, I’ll die from the falling pikes.
(Verse 5)
The luminosity of the idiosyncracy written golden on wet parchment.
Here’s something to believe, my children, be not afraid.
The soothing of the hierarch, the mandated man from a heaven above.
I’ll hold you all to my bosom, like a mother with her baby, be not afraid.
(Verse 6)
The rhetoric of the sympathetic and sorrowful heretic.
The acetone proponent shows a brilliant subtlety;
The cologne of a message thrown in the garbage.
Wasted words, wasted ink.
(Outro)
Words sop into the paper, and disappear, disappear.
jb6oclock
01-19-2006, 08:56 PM
I suggest you put down the dictionary while writing your songs. Don't get me wrong your words were used in all the right places but who's going to pay attention to a song with more big words than they learned in 12 years of school? For the most part this was an (overwhelming song) the lyrics were everywhere and my mind was nowhere. I did however love 1 line that should be in every song there is--"and I suppose when elephants fly then surely so will I" only thing I liked from this song..SORRY..Perhaps I have a weak mind, I don't know.....perhaps the song is about those who don't understand it, again I don't know. Overall I say "Much appreciation for your time and efforts your score is a ..........5.6/10 6:00
Please crit my newest ~~REGNANT SCARS~~
dyuaru
01-19-2006, 09:04 PM
I'm not good with vocabulary so this one is hard for me to understand and I dont think I understand it now still. I probably have the meaning incorrect but what i get out of it is that theres a dictator in this image that is causing things to be a wreck and you are going to help (you) to overcome this person. Haha I'm probably totally wrong but it's a try I guess, I'm not too good at understanding lyrics with lots of vocabulary :/
Anyway I like the way you wrote it even though much of it I don't understand. Real nice imagery in your writing and use of words(though some parts I still dont understand). Good job!
DeadReligion
01-20-2006, 02:00 PM
Actually, the only one I picked up a dictionary for was "dicta". It's about rhetoric, a lot of what politicians say, don't make any sense, but, on the other hand, alot of rebels/heretics, aren't all that clear either, some are just stupid. I guess its a stab at idiots. And don't consider yourself an idiot if you don't understand every word in there.
MusicalPariah
01-20-2006, 02:30 PM
I'm not going to mention the wide vocabulary in the song because (unlike some of the other people in the thread) I understood it. The way the lyrics dont really take a solid form I admire...I can't write like that. The flow seems to be uninteruppted (sp?(I understand big words, cant spell worth crap)) by it all. I'd give it an eight if it meant anything to me (no offense, but the words dont hit home with me) but I'll give it a 7.7 out of 10. Nice Work...
deathscreamingsheep
01-20-2006, 03:28 PM
As with all your poems and songs I find it useful to have a dictionary with me. But seriously, this was a pretty nice piece of work.
Only a few points:
Mazy cataracts and straight pitfalls, lead down to something unseen.
There is a smokescreen, that’s denser than gas chamber air.
The clean blue water, reflects streetlamp size lights.
This orange dusk-like candescence reflects off the whitewater.
I likes the first 3 lines but I wasn't a fan of the 'reflect' in the last line and it seemed a little awkward.
This omniscient narrator, chronicles the fight, you thought him to be so brilliant.
You rub your eyes vigorously, and develop a sty,
And you finally realized he was just a homeless, cocaine addict.
Beard white, with what was, his last line,
Wet with his withdrawal sweat, and tears.
It's a little choppy due to the large amounts of commas, but I've come to realise that a lot of teh punctuation used is part of your style of writing anyway. And besides: I love the imagery and description.
The dicta, is spread, bred like bacteria, across these fallowed walls.
The rhetoric of a politic, spoken by the… chief executive?
The heretic, has only an empty clip. Can you speak to these wallowed falls?
Grandiloquence plagues politicians, while we stand mute, with nothing to dispute.
I'm not sure whether the first two and last two lines fit together well. Due to the internal rhyming, the lines appear quite rhythmic just to speak and especially the 3rd line feels quite awkward.
Not much to say about verse 4, I liked it.
The rhetoric of the sympathetic and sorrowful heretic.
The acetone proponent shows a brilliant subtlety;
The cologne of a message thrown in the garbage.
Wasted words, wasted ink.
A political message as it really should be written to be honest. My favourite verse of the lot.
I'm not sure the outro is entirely neccessary and seems to detract from the concluding statement at the end of verse 6.
Overall 8/10. I think maybe I just generally like your style.
DeadReligion
01-20-2006, 03:31 PM
Actually, my favorite line, was the first of verse 3, not for the internal rhyming, just the wording. Thanks for the critique.
sandsoftime
01-20-2006, 03:55 PM
(Verse 1)
Mazy cataracts and straight pitfalls, lead down to something unseen.
There is a smokescreen, that’s denser than gas chamber air.
The clean blue water, reflects streetlamp size lights.
This orange dusk-like candescence reflects off the whitewater.
<i really like the fourth line but line two...i think could use some work>
(Verse 2)
This omniscient narrator, chronicles the fight, you thought him to be so brilliant.
You rub your eyes vigorously, and develop a sty,
And you finally realized he was just a homeless, cocaine addict.
Beard white, with what was, his last line,
Wet with his withdrawal sweat, and tears.
<line one golden but even though line two is descriptive it seems to take away from the mood>
(Verse 3)
The dicta, is spread, bred like bacteria, across these fallowed walls.
The rhetoric of a politic, spoken by the… chief executive?
The heretic, has only an empty clip. Can you speak to these wallowed falls?
Grandiloquence plagues politicians, while we stand mute, with nothing to dispute.
<not sure i like the space in line 2>
(Verse 4)
Lately, I’ve been dreaming of a stone wall, boasting forty-one stories.
With no handholds, there is a window at the top; my objective.
And I suppose when elephants fly, then surely so will I.
But until then, I’ll die from the falling pikes.
<line 3 sounds bad please revise it but the last line fits beautifully with the pitfall image at the beginning>
(Verse 5)
The luminosity of the idiosyncracy written golden on wet parchment.
Here’s something to believe, my children, be not afraid.
The soothing of the hierarch, the mandated man from a heaven above.
I’ll hold you all to my bosom, like a mother with her baby, be not afraid.
<nice this whole verse is great>
(Verse 6)
The rhetoric of the sympathetic and sorrowful heretic.
The acetone proponent shows a brilliant subtlety;
The cologne of a message thrown in the garbage.
Wasted words, wasted ink.
<i like the rhyme of the first line it flows well>
(Outro)
Words sop into the paper, and disappear, disappear.
<a little confused by the outro but it sounds really cool...well done>
xxtrigger_hippiexx
01-20-2006, 09:36 PM
overall i liked it... but i think its too wordy... there's too many syllables.
vBulletin® v3.7.1, Copyright ©2000-2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.