Regnant scars~~

[jb6oclock]

I find my self confused these days
my mind an endless unbarred cage
roam to find nothing more than unanswered questions --relentless--

presence of pain consumes some men
war and talk of how we'll destroy them
Suffering civilians in forgotten land--defenseless--

they drop, they roll, hide behind walls
where will they hide when darkness falls
premature assumtion of a dominating force--pretentious--

fight- fight- kill
all that proceeds is time-
time- still
everyone comes home with
scars-
scars -that don't heal

statistics staggering truth is real
CNN can't tell you how they feel
harum-scarum kids with guns--unacceptable--

I fear the undermost men will fail
not return home to tell their tale
mother's anticipate safe return--improbable--

defend the nations so many in tow
can they feel the impending void we sow
greed for power out of control--undeniable--

kill- kill- strife
with your gun defend your life-
life- stained
truth and pain your body bares
scars-
scars- that don't heal

fight- fight- kill
all that proceeds is time-
time- still
everyone comes home with
scars-
scars -that don't heal

[jb6oclock]

Well guys and girls I've never gotten much feedback from my work here-such as LOST AT HOME.....(which if you feel bad check it out) but I think that this one should satisfy even the harshest crtic I wrote this in about an hour and a half so I know I probably made a few errors but please feel free to share them when they are found. I'm new here at this forum and really appreciate being able to share my work with others and get feedback. Thank you Sputnikmusic and all reading and contributing to this forum. 6:00

[DeadReligion]

The only somewhat hard word in here is pretentious oh, and regnant, which, by the way, you spelled wrong, so you if you were going for something more complex, you failed that.

I find my self confused these days
my mind an endless unbarred cage
roam to find nothing more than unanswered questions
^ Eh, the usual trite war BS. I really don't like how they have a word at the end of every verse/stanza.

presence of pain consumes some men
war and talk of how we'll destroy them
Suffering civilians in forgotten land
^ MMM, I love this.

they drop, they roll, hide behind walls
where do they turn when their morals call
premature assumtion of a dominating force
^ I should probably kill you for that rhyme...however, I'm too tired. The second line is terribly...trite, the other two aren't bad.

fight- fight- kill
all that proceeds is time-
time- still
everyone comes home with
scars-
scars -that don't heal
^ It bores me, nothing new here.

statistics staggering truth is real
cnn can't tell you how they feel
harumscarum kids with guns
^ Again, the goddamn rhyme. I love the first line, heh "harum-scarum" is great, however, you forgot the hyphen. The second line...mentioning CNN, ugh, just thinking about those cocksuckers angers me, plus, mentioning the media sounds very cliche, and uninteresting.

I fear the undermost men will fail
not return home to tell their tale
mother's anticipate safe return
^ Not bad, a little played out, but the first line is nice "undermost" was a nice word choice.

defend the nations so many in tow
can they feel the impending void we sow
greed for power out of control--
^ God that rhyme...the second line is good...the rest, whatever, it isn't great, but not bad.

kill- kill- strife
with your gun defend your life-
life- remains
flash before your eyes its
scars-
scars- endlessly lost you feel...
^ Nope, not doing anything for the piece.

Overall, this is much, much better than your other pieces. 7.5/10 (sorry, I don't feel quite right giving you an 8). I agree with rollerqueen, in that alot of this is trite, and doesn't have a lot of imagery, but, I still think you are improving. Can you check out my song again, I edited it a bit, and I'd like some to go a bit more indepth on it.

[dyuaru]

Another lyric of war, this one is done a bit differently from the others though. And no the vocabulary isnt too much, its just the right amount, doesnt make it confusing at all. The chorus is interesting and sounds fun to sing to if you ever make it into a song. Good work :)

[jb6oclock]

thanks for the quick reply deadreligion and dyuaru hey DR i fixed the per-pre thing thanks for noticing. Deadreligion please give an in depth analysis when you have more time, I have read alot of your work and would appreciate your input.Hey dyuaru it is a song that's why I posted it and I appreciate your appreciation of the fact I used fairly understandable lyrics to get my point across. Got any I can crit?

[metaliq]

I would say that you should attempt to convey your message in a unique way.

[jb6oclock]

Metaliq, you did not find this unique?

[LSD]

statistics staggering truth is real
cnn can't tell you how they feel
harumscarum kids with guns--unacceptable--


i like that, good work its great.:chug:

[jb6oclock]

thank lsd got one for me to crit?

[jb6oclock]

would appreciate more feedback, this song is a serious consideration for an album.

[BurtonBassist]

Something about this song, it just doesn't flow right to me

CRIT ME PLZ - (madness)

[jb6oclock]

Anymore input here? Man I thought this would bring more contraversy, or at least some feedback that might help the song. Basically I need to know if it's worthy of todays "scene".