A Sonnet

[Gypsy Campervan]

I look at myself, what do I now see?
A form of flesh and bone with mouth and eyes?
Old scars from fights and hair that covers me,
Now good in health but one day I will die.
When I gaze deep at desires I harbour,
I see that they are changing and fickle,
and they envelop me as an arbour,
for I am without a sythe of sickle.
What shall occur after my dying day?
From the cage, my body, my soul released?
My corpse in the earth will start to decay,
and the torso becomes a maggot's feast.
But what of my spirit, and thoughts entwined?
Is there a final station for the mind?


Crit 4 crit, cheers in advance.

[dyuaru]

Nice word use on this one. A bit dark but I guess that's the style you were going for. I personally dont like some of those lines, not saying theyre bad, they're just not my taste. I'm guessing it's either a really short song or part of a song, anyway good work, maybe just make it a tad bit longer. 7/10

Comment mine, I'm in dire need of some advice to see if I need to change my style of writing.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=435488

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

dyuaru, it's a sonnet... 14 lines, 10 syllables per line, with a specified rhyme scheme. I'm not really up to par on the types, but I think this is a Shakesperian style sonnet, someone correct me if it isn't.

[dyuaru]

Oh haha, man I'm totally stupid
Then nevermind perfectly fine amount of lines.
I don't know too much of the different types of writings so I thought that A Sonnet was the name of the song, haha my bad :/

[BurtonBassist]

It's put together nicely, but in my head, it just sounds the same as other dark songs, maybey it sounds better in your head

[Gypsy Campervan]

Bump, the crits are on the way.

[mutant!]

Just reading through it, I don't like the way the metaphors flow. It seems that it goes from the war thing to the introspective spiritual thing back to the war thing and then to the spiritual thing again, it's just flitting between two different metaphors with nothing joining them. But that's just me.

This is Shakespearean, but does it necessarily have to be iambic pentameter (10 syllables)? I thought I was being creative when I enforced that on my own stuff. Meh.

[Gypsy Campervan]

Just reading through it, I don't like the way the metaphors flow. It seems that it goes from the war thing to the introspective spiritual thing back to the war thing and then to the spiritual thing again, it's just flitting between two different metaphors with nothing joining them. But that's just me.

This is Shakespearean, but does it necessarily have to be iambic pentameter (10 syllables)? I thought I was being creative when I enforced that on my own stuff. Meh.

War?

[speak no evil]

I look at myself, what do I now see?
A form of flesh and bone with mouth and eyes?
Old scars from fights and hair that covers me,
Now good in health but one day I will die.
When I gaze deep at desires I harbour,
I see that they are changing and fickle,
and they envelop me as an arbour,
for I am without a sythe of sickle.
What shall occur after my dying day?
From the cage, my body, my soul released?
My corpse in the earth will start to decay,
and the torso becomes a maggot's feast.
But what of my spirit, and thoughts entwined?
Is there a final station for the mind?
lame ++

[Gypsy Campervan]

lame ++

Helpful ++

[mutant!]

War?
Slash fighting slash battle slash scars and sh!t.

[Gypsy Campervan]

Slash fighting slash battle slash scars and sh!t.

So just because I mentioned scars it's about war?

Idiot.

[mutant!]

So just because I mentioned scars it's about war?

Idiot.
THE POINT IS, you're flitting between radically different metaphors. It borders on mixed metaphors. Don't flame me for posting something that makes sense.

[jb6oclock]

I'm staying out of the arguments, but I will say sonnets are for men who wear bonnets. This was poorly done and on a trite topic as well 1/10

[Gypsy Campervan]

THE POINT IS, you're flitting between radically different metaphors. It borders on mixed metaphors. Don't flame me for posting something that makes sense.

Observation of the physical body.
Obversation of the mind.
The death of the physical.
The death of the mind?

[mutant!]

Observation of the physical body.
Obversation of the mind.
The death of the physical.
The death of the mind?
Ohhh, ok, it makes sense looking at it that way. In that case, the *counts* 12th line is a bit much - the physical death thing is wayyy too prominent, and then suddenly it's back to the spiritual thing. Take it down a notch, maybe?