Lyrics(comments are appreciated)

[dyuaru]

Relentless
Lyrics: DYU

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

I was the visionless seer searching for revelation
Etched into me an image of roses burning away
An imaginative love I saw
On that day I opened my eyes reality exposed
Your light had already begun to fade away
With open eyes I was fine
Drawn endlessly to the sky above me
I only hoped the sun would shine forever
But one day your light would fade
One slip across and I easily fell away
That time your eyes reached mine, could I see?
If only I could let go I would be fine

Are you the watchful maiden awaiting demise
Or am I still blind to the world what am I to do?
When death awaits me on each side
To let go would be to fall away from you
If I reach out my hand our fate would be sealed
This is where I reach the sky

I released myself from your grasp an ending
As I fly, with the world around me spinning I see roses
Falling to the sound of your voice

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

Looking up the sun finally fading
I have now lost sight of your grasp



Just looking for some comments on the lyrics

[DeadReligion]

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song
^ Mmm, brilliant.

I was the visionless seer searching for revelation
Etched into me an image of roses burning away
An imaginative love I saw
On that day I opened my eyes reality exposed
Your light had already begun to fade away
With open eyes I was fine
Drawn endlessly to the sky above me
I only hoped the sun would shine forever
But one day your light would fade
One slip across and I easily fell away
That time your eyes reached mine, could I see?
If only I could let go I would be fine^ Mmm, more brillaince. I'd take out one of the "away"s though...too many.

Are you the watchful maiden awaiting demise
Or am I still blind to the world what am I to do?
When death awaits me on each side
To let go would be to fall away from you
If I reach out my hand our fate would be sealed
This is where I reach the sky
^ Goddamn, a brilliant n00b. Congratulations. Although, you use fall away a bit much in this piece.

I released myself from your grasp an ending
As I fly, with the world around me spinning I see roses
Falling to the sound of your voice
^ Eh...hmm,it's not bad, it's not great though.

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

Looking up the sun finally fading
I have now lost sight of your grasp
^ good repetition.

Despite some very small problems, I think I can confidently give this a 10/10...heh, I can't remember the last time I gave one of them out, and never to someone with a mere 3 posts under there belt.

[dyuaru]

Yeah thats something I have trouble with, sometimes I run out of ideas and I start using words over again. And other times my writing doesnt compare to others that I've done. But thanks, really appreciate it!

[dyuaru]

Alright I've changed some of the lines a little, tell me if it's any better. And also I'd like to have some critique on my writing style because I'm still changing it over and over again and havn't decided on the style that I want to write in for my band. Any suggestions or comments on this style of writing?


The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

I was the visionless seer searching for revelation
Etched into me an image of roses burning
An imaginative love I saw
On that day I opened my eyes reality exposed
Your light had already begun to grow faint
With open eyes I was fine
Drawn endlessly to the sky above me
I only hoped the sun would shine forever
But one day your light would fade
One slip across and I easily fell away
That time your eyes reached mine, could I see?
If only I could let go I would be fine

Are you the watchful maiden awaiting demise
Or am I still blind to the world what am I to do?
When death awaits me on each side
To let go would be to fall away from you
If I reach out my hand our fate would be sealed
This is where I reach the sky

To the days of bleak remembrance
A tribute to you as the scenery fades
My dismal expression carries me through

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

Looking up, to the sun in it’s departure
I have now lost sight of your grasp

[jb6oclock]

i think the repetition is what gave the song character in the original i give it a 8.9/10 due to genre but sweet *** song good job

[sandsoftime]

wow made my song cry in comparison...well fricking done
wish i could say more but i really have no problems with it

[dyuaru]

Haha thanks, yours was quite well done too, just needed some fixing up.
Right now I need some help with the title of the song since I don't think relentless does it justice. I've always had a hard time coming up with interesting song titles and I was wondering if anyone could help me a bit on that.
And thanks to everyone who commented, it is really appreciated :)

[DeadReligion]

Visionless Images Of Burning Roses.
The Day The Birds Voices Cracked.
^ One of those two?

[dyuaru]

I think Visionless Image would be good. Though if I was looking for a title that would be eyecatching your version would be alot better. Thanks for the help DR :D. I'll just wait and see what some other people think and then I'll make my decision, then probably post something new perhaps.

Oh and what do you think of the new version, any better?

[DeadReligion]

Heh, personally, I thought the second was better (title). Anyway, I'll recrit the new version later.

[Gypsy Campervan]

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

What an opener.

I was the visionless seer searching for revelation
Etched into me an image of roses burning
An imaginative love I saw
On that day I opened my eyes reality exposed
Your light had already begun to grow faint
With open eyes I was fine
Drawn endlessly to the sky above me
I only hoped the sun would shine forever
But one day your light would fade
One slip across and I easily fell away
That time your eyes reached mine, could I see?
If only I could let go I would be fine


Good flow, and some internal rhyme, no quibbles here, although I don't quite understand the 'burning roses'.

Are you the watchful maiden awaiting demise
Or am I still blind to the world what am I to do?
When death awaits me on each side
To let go would be to fall away from you
If I reach out my hand our fate would be sealed
This is where I reach the sky

Wow, dumbstruck. Nowt I would change here.

To the days of bleak remembrance
A tribute to you as the scenery fades
My dismal expression carries me through

Good.

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

Not quite sure that this adds to the piece.

Looking up, to the sun in it’s departure
I have now lost sight of your grasp

Stunning finish.

Overall, well the subject isn't exactly original, but you have delt with it in such a way as to distinguish it from the cliche's of writing bleak and dark material. Well done, and a well deserved 8.5/10.

P.S. Cheers for the crit :thumb:

[deathscreamingsheep]

Cheers for the crit.

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song


Nice opening: sets the mood for the poem.

I was the visionless seer searching for revelation
Etched into me an image of roses burning away
An imaginative love I saw
On that day I opened my eyes reality exposed
Your light had already begun to fade away
With open eyes I was fine
Drawn endlessly to the sky above me
I only hoped the sun would shine forever
But one day your light would fade
One slip across and I easily fell away
That time your eyes reached mine, could I see?
If only I could let go I would be fine

There are a few too many lines ending in 'away' for my liking. Other than that the imagery is very very good, though maybe with practice you could expand on your vocabulary (obviously don't just put in long words for the sake of it though).

To let go would be to fall away from you

I think some form of punctuation would be apt at the end of this line to show that it is a definitive statement.

It finishes well. A solid 9.

[dyuaru]

Alright I've changed some of the lines a little, tell me if it's any better. And also I'd like to have some critique on my writing style because I'm still changing it over and over again and havn't decided on the style that I want to write in for my band. Any suggestions or comments on this style of writing?


The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

I was the visionless seer searching for revelation
Etched into me an image of roses burning
An imaginative love I saw
On that day I opened my eyes reality exposed
Your light had already begun to grow faint
With open eyes I was fine
Drawn endlessly to the sky above me
I only hoped the sun would shine forever
But one day your light would fade
One slip across and I easily fell away
That time your eyes reached mine, could I see?
If only I could let go I would be fine

Are you the watchful maiden awaiting demise
Or am I still blind to the world what am I to do?
When death awaits me on each side
To let go would be to fall away from you
If I reach out my hand our fate would be sealed
This is where I reach the sky

To the days of bleak remembrance
A tribute to you as the scenery fades
My dismal expression carries me through

The end of the voices of a thousand birds
Singing, crying, of death they end their final song

Looking up, to the sun in it’s departure
I have now lost sight of your grasp



Yeah if you could read one of my posts above, there is an updated version with some of the disliked lines changed. Ive taken out most of the aways and have gotten a bit better flow than I had before. Oh and also yeah I don't work much with vocabulary as it is something that I do not know much about, but I'll definitely try to put more in my next work, and no I wont put in long words for the sake of them being there. Thanks for the crit :)

[deathscreamingsheep]

Vocabulary will just come with writing practice.

[dyuaru]

Oh yeah and this is to Gypsy Campervan,
The image of burning roses part was to symbolize the burning away of a love. Since you know, roses were always the flower that symbolized love, I thought I'd put that in just to add a little bit of interest into the lyric

[nitetrapper]

I havnt been around this board very long . But this is one of the best writes iv,e seen. I was playing around with a tune for it on my ax . Was wondering what music you had in mind for it. Great job. Nite............

[dyuaru]

I was going to put a indie-ish sort of sound for it since the style for my band is sort of light music with lyrics that were a little dark but not over the top. I havn't tried coming up with any tunes for it yet but I have tried to sing to it as I am the vocals for the band. I'd probably present this to my band in our next meet and see what they think. Anyway, thanks for the comment and show me what melodies you get later :)

Oh and I've decided a title for this lyric, "To the Images of Ablaze Roses"
Thanks go to DeadReligion for giving me ideas and always being supportive

[SomeGuySomewhere]

What an opener.




Good flow, and some internal rhyme, no quibbles here, although I don't quite understand the 'burning roses'.



Wow, dumbstruck. Nowt I would change here.



Good.



Not quite sure that this adds to the piece.



Stunning finish.

Overall, well the subject isn't exactly original, but you have delt with it in such a way as to distinguish it from the cliche's of writing bleak and dark material. Well done, and a well deserved 8.5/10.

P.S. Cheers for the crit :thumb:

I agree totally with this crit, I felt the same shivers to these lyrics as I do with a band named Agalloch. Well done.

[dyuaru]

Haha hopefully those are good shivers :)
Anyway anyone else have any crits for this lyric?