Boy with Lyre Forms Liaison

[pixiesfanyo]

Boy with Lyre Forms Liaison

“Shave your baby’s chin
And set it on my breast”
Listen to you weave
Boisterously in fields alone
Fingers quick and soft
Beckoning love incarnate

To touch you
Is to touch a star
Awe stricken in dark
Under a bed of praising eyes

Love or worship
Words are all similes
When your voice
Douses me numb
My limbs are mere trinkets
To your craft

Hair raising glaze
On your flaccid back
Temple of flesh
Loosened with a prayer

Kiss me under Grecian skies
And let our hunger devour fidelity

[DeadReligion]

To touch you
Is to touch a star
^ Played out/cliche, whatever. The rest of this, is impeccable.

[pixiesfanyo]

To touch you
Is to touch a star
^ Played out/cliche, whatever. The rest of this, is impeccable.

It's kind of a play on words, because I'm trying to illustrate the idea that she is concerned with her attraction to him only being because of his reputation. (it's basis is in the greek Orpheus Eurydice tale)

[DeadReligion]

Oh, okay.

[pixiesfanyo]

Oh, okay.

Heh, I didn't mean to seem concieted. Thanks for the critique.

[RollerQueen]

Too many sentence fragments, particularly in the weak spot of the last quatrain; the fragments only serve to magnify how relatively forceless that stanza is, so I'd rewrite it. It's not that it's horrible, it's just that it's not up to par. Also, "My limbs are mere trinkets/To your craft" is trite in the second line. Otherwise, not a bad shot, and the title is rather witty for anyone who is familiar with your source.

[dyuaru]

It's interesting in that it has references from myths. I always thought lyrics with references from writer and stories were interesting(panic at the disco does it too) Some of the lines I don't particularly like such as the "when you're voice" line, since that's pretty much "when you are voice" which sounds a bit strange. Not bad, not perfect is all I can say.

[RollerQueen]

Ah yeah, it should be "When your voice." I should have nabbed him for that... Ah well. dyuaru is right.