"Evidence of A Broken Heart".

[Jacob6293]

Here is a song I wrote called "Evidence of A Broken Heart". I hope you like it.

Verse 1:

I visit my only home
Wherever I roam
There's nothing I can feel
Everything is gone
I can't hold on
There's nothing that seems real.

Chorus:

The blood is swimming through your veigns
Everybody here feels exactly the same
Nothing left but a broken heart and an empty soul
Your evil spirit has taken its toll.

Verse 2:

Now I have to go
I search for a brand new soul
Nothing but pens with no ink
And blood on the wall
I try to find myself
But I lose it all.

Chorus.

Bridge:

I can't feel you there!
FATHER!
Help me I'm scared.

Chorus.

And that's it. Please let me know what you think of it. Thanks.

[Jacob6293]

Will somebody please crit this before it goes to waste?

[Jacob6293]

Will somebody please crit this?

[dyuaru]

Kinda cliche with the feelings of the place and state you are in. Too many lines that are already used over and over again such as the feeling that everything is gone and how you can't take it anymore. Work on some better meanings and topics for your lyrics.

Comment mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=435488

[notjester589]

Sorry but I'm also going to have to say this specific song is a little to cliche. An example would be the overdone home roam thing as well as the feel real. Try to think of another way of expressing the same sentiment. Don't get too down though, there is potential