The Veteran

[RollerQueen]

Alright, this one's important for me. It's the third piece in my ongoing series of World War II pieces, listed in order of initial inception, are as follows:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=373475 -> "I Will See The World For You"
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=406230] -> "Say Hello To The Coast"

After having had a draft in my notebook for months, I sat down and worked on this for an hour and a half, finishing just before 6:30 AM. The piece should be self-explanatory. It was inspired by the rare occurences in which my father has spoken about his experiences in Vietnam.

Musically, I took a note from Slint, particularly "Good Morning, Captain." A lot of distortion with a heavily sustained guitar part that doesn't do much, kind of atmospheric. Fun.

Yeah... Let me know, people. I'll return crits.


The Veteran

It's only when you're about to die
That you ever truly feel alive

This culmination is unjust:
Twelve minced years since,
At 38, here I stand,
Blood-imbued service pistol in hand.

Then, my dreams were of home,
My flat - pewter cigarette smoke
Rising, staining the ceiling -
Smells of life and youth.
Lilac wine, wrapper in paper,
A gift for a girl in Windsor
(A college crush with ivy eyes),
Sits next to my mother's treacles...

With a crash, a blast,
The unsure night awakens me.
"Oh God, if you're there,
We need to be saved.
The Union Jack's abandoned us,
Replaced by shrapnel wounds and glide bomb passes."
And that's just how it was,
In blissful sleep 'tween each attack.

Staying alive used to be so important.
Our prayers were for heaven and not hell,
Disillusioned that we'd ever be home again,
Our pleas capped with a "Sum nihil, Amen."
Sum nihil.

Of now, my dreams all since
Find me back in the fields.
Caught in close range, I lob a grenade
And see the utter despair on his face
Followed by a screaming explosion,
My fingertips blown and sprayed

And in a flash, I'm back,
Crying onto my wife's trembling cheeks.

Twelve lifeless years since,
A dreamlike, smokey ceiling above,
An embattered man, I stand,
Steadying my pistol's grip hand.

It's only when you're about to die
That you ever truly feel alive.

With the dilapidated glory of a neutron star,
I swallow my future.
Asperity, I'm charmed.

Alive...

[slickathenyou]

It's a good piece and I read it over quick. I'd crit it in depth, but I have to go to school, so I can't. Um, wasn't mustard gas used in WWI and outdated by the time the Vietnam War hit? Wasn't it outdated even in it's time?

[RollerQueen]

It's a good piece and I read it over quick. I'd crit it in depth, but I have to go to school, so I can't. Um, wasn't mustard gas used in WWI and outdated by the time the Vietnam War hit? Wasn't it outdated even in it's time?
This is about World War II, and I'm aware of the inaccuracy even then. The Geneva Protocol went into effect after World War I; mustard gas wasn't so much out of date as it was prohibited because of its devastating effects.

I put that in falsely and have changed it. Thanks, though. Crit when you can.

[DeadReligion]

Here it goes:

It's only when you're about to die
That you ever truly feel alive
^ this reminds me of that part in the The Twin Snakes (Metal Gear Solid game...) where the main character and the girl are talking about this, and he says something along the lines of what is said here, and she gets all pissy. I like these lines, it's feels MINORLY cliche, but it's good.

This culmination is unjust:
Twelve minces years since,
At 38, here I stand,
Blood-imbued service pistol in hand.
^ The rhyme, though maybe unintentional, is too simple for someone with your skills, I like the last line alot anyway though. I think you meant "Twelive minced years later,". Good line though.

Then, my dreams were of home,
My flat - pewter cigarette smoke
Rising, staining the ceiling -
Smells of life and youth.
Lilac wine, wrapper in paper,
A gift for a girl in Windsor
(A college crush with ivy eyes),
Sits next to my mother's treacles...
^ The first line is okay, it sets it up, so it isn't spectacular. The second line, however, is. Pewter is a good word, because of its originality. The whole girl thing is nice, but, its overused... I do like the line in parentheses though.

With a crash, a blast,
The unsure night awakens me.
"Oh God, if you're there,
We need to be saved.
The Union Jack's abandoned us,
Replaced by shrapnel wounds and glide bomb passes."
And that's just how it was,
In blissful sleep 'tween each attack.
^ Nothing bad here. Lovely imagery.

Staying alive used to be so important.
Our prayers were for heaven and not hell,
Disillusioned that we'd ever be home again,
Our pleas capped with a "Sum nihil, Amen."
Sum nihil.
^ This can hardly be called original, and what is Sum Nihil?

Of now, my dreams all since
Find me back in the fields.
Caught in close range, I lob a grenade
And see the utter despair on his face
Followed by a screaming explosion,
My fingertips blown and sprayed
^ I see the first few parts as a pun, because alot of people in WWII were "farmboys", but, its also related to the battlefields, in which there is another pun, alot of the battlefields were fields. I adore this, the last line isn't the best though...

And in a flash, I'm back,
Crying onto my wife's trembling cheeks.
^ Okay, not perfect, but not bad.

Twelve lifeless years since,
A dreamlike, smokey ceiling above,
An embattered man, I stand,
Steadying my pistol's grip hand.
^ You should say "pistol's hand grip" or maybe "pistol's gripping hand". Again, the rhyme is rather annoying, this is good other than that though.

With the dilapidated glory of a neutron star,
I swallow my future.
Asperity, I'm charmed.
^ Mmmm, I love this. I'd end with "Asperity, I'm charmed." Instead of "Alive..." It sounds alot better.

Overall, this is pretty damn good, 9/10. It could use a little work, but overall, it's up to par with what I believe you're capable of, with the exception of the rhyme. Could you please crit my "Hideously Vicious Elegance"? I'd appreciate it.

[metaliq]

So I am in the process of thinking about your set of words.

[Gemini]

Nice closure. It'd work well as a concept album? Of course, if any music is meant to be put along to the lyrics.

A few instrumentals and you're set. :p

It's only when you're about to die
That you ever truly feel alive

Meh, very common. Nothing too special. I mean it had to start somewhere. It's a good catch phrase, though. I wouldn't cut it because it's a good start, but It feels common place anyhow.

This culmination is unjust:
Twelve minces years since,
At 38, here I stand,
Blood-imbued service pistol in hand.

Nice way to really start the song off. The actual situation of the veteran... but kind of seen outside of him.

Then, my dreams were of home,
My flat - pewter cigarette smoke
Rising, staining the ceiling -
Smells of life and youth.
Lilac wine, wrapper in paper,
A gift for a girl in Windsor
(A college crush with ivy eyes),
Sits next to my mother's treacles...

I like the imagery here. Very... sad, maybe? Remembering and everything about the old days... pretty dark, I don't really know. It's very well done.

With a crash, a blast,
The unsure night awakens me.
"Oh God, if you're there,
We need to be saved.
The Union Jack's abandoned us,
Replaced by shrapnel wounds and glide bomb passes."
And that's just how it was,
In blissful sleep 'tween each attack.

Amazing form of picturing the "demons" that haunt war veterans. Especially at night. Flows very well, too.

Staying alive used to be so important.
Our prayers were for heaven and not hell,
Disillusioned that we'd ever be home again,
Our pleas capped with a "Sum nihil, Amen."
Sum nihil.

Nice rhyme there.

Of now, my dreams all since
Find me back in the fields.
Caught in close range, I lob a grenade
And see the utter despair on his face
Followed by a screaming explosion,
My fingertips blown and sprayed



And in a flash, I'm back,
Crying onto my wife's trembling cheeks.



No problems up to this point.

Twelve lifeless years since,
A dreamlike, smokey ceiling above,
An embattered man, I stand,
Steadying my pistol's grip hand.

*smoky... seems out of place. The despair and all and the drama up to here... but what about changing it for murky or something like that.

It's only when you're about to die
That you ever truly feel alive.

With the dilapidated glory of a neutron star,
I swallow my future.
Asperity, I'm charmed.

Alive...

Nice to see he lives. Or maybe not?

Great poem. A little dodgy here or there but the idea is great anyhow.

[RollerQueen]

Explanations: The third stanza is a dream of home that he experiences one night, awokened by the events in the fourth stanza. Sum nihil is Latin for "I am nothing."

Furthermore, the first stanza is possibly the most important. It's a paraphrase of something that my father has said in reference to war. Much of this piece is taken from conversations with him. When you're in war, the way your brain deals with what is essentially Hell is that it makes dreams as comforting as possible, seeing as the unconscious is the only escape that one has. Once you're removed from combat, your brain doesn't know how to handle the abrupt, dynamic shift. That's why veterans hallucinate and have nightmares; to them, their brain is making up for the lack of chaos and hellish situations, a reverse comfort to compensate for the change of life. It's a common affliction among those who've seen combat. Watch Jacob's Ladder for a version of that sort of thing.

Sorry, but the piece ends in suicide. Again, that relates back to the opening couplet. I didn't want to say outright what happens in the piece. As you see, I try to calculate my pieces a great deal; I'm a novelist at heart but without the patience to write that much.

DeadReligion: I fixed the "minced;" that was a typo, partially caused by it being about 6:30 AM when I posted this. Yes, that rhyme is trite and weak. I'll accept that, but I don't know if I'll change it. The whole "girl" thing in the first dream came about because, as has been the trend lately, I was listening to Jeff Buckley's Grace album. I couldn't figure out where to go with the table scene, so I went with the easy way, using the song "Lilac Wine" as a starting point. The prayer part is indeed weak and needs rewording, but sum nihil is important - Ty can guess. Good job catching the dark humour with those puns. Again, ending with "Alive" is important.

Ty: Alright, homey. Just don't forget me.

Gemini: I don't even know if it's going to be a concept album. I just got the impetus over the summer to work on a series of World War II pieces. The first one I wrote had me shivering a lot when I was done, and so did this one. You pretty much got the first half. The reason the smokey ceiling's in the second part is a reference to the flat described in the first dream, which I think brings things around full circle, but maybe that's just me.

Ahem. Thanks a bunch. I'll return crits shortly.

[RollerQueen]

Bump from beyond the grave.

[pixiesfanyo]

i'll get around to this. i promise.

[Kaden]

Then, my dreams were of home,
My flat - pewter cigarette smoke
Rising, staining the ceiling -
Smells of life and youth.
Lilac wine, wrapper in paper,
A gift for a girl in Windsor
(A college crush with ivy eyes),
Sits next to my mother's treacles...
I really love this stanza. It really brings home the fact that the veteran has a life of his own outside the war.

With a crash, a blast,
The unsure night awakens me.
"Oh God, if you're there,
We need to be saved.
The Union Jack's abandoned us,
Replaced by shrapnel wounds and glide bomb passes."
And that's just how it was,
In blissful sleep 'tween each attack.
Good transition here, it feels really abrupt which helps the effect out alot.

It's only when you're about to die
That you ever truly feel alive.

With the dilapidated glory of a neutron star,
I swallow my future.
Asperity, I'm charmed.
I think this part is amazing. It really ends the song on a surprising and meaningful note, however I agree with some of the others that it should end here instead of with "alive..."

[RollerQueen]

Sorry, but I end it with "Alive..." Thanks for reading through this, though. I know it's long, but it has to be.

[metaliq]

It's only when you're about to die
That you ever truly feel alive

---Ehh… seems like a quote featured before any “epic” WW2 FPS on the PS2 or something… Nothing I hadn’t heard before.


This culmination is unjust:
Twelve minced years since,
At 38, here I stand,
Blood-imbued service pistol in hand.

--- Quite enticed by the setting this stanza is setting up…


Then, my dreams were of home,
My flat - pewter cigarette smoke
Rising, staining the ceiling -
Smells of life and youth.
Lilac wine, wrapper in paper,
A gift for a girl in Windsor
(A college crush with ivy eyes),
Sits next to my mother's treacles...

---Wow… once again, you are capturing the moment and imagery very beautifully. I don’t find anything flawed here…


With a crash, a blast,
The unsure night awakens me.
"Oh God, if you're there,
We need to be saved.
The Union Jack's abandoned us,
Replaced by shrapnel wounds and glide bomb passes."
And that's just how it was,
In blissful sleep 'tween each attack.
---Wasn’t a fan of the first line… the word “blast” reminds me of the NES game, which isn’t a completely serious tone. I also do not see the benefit from not including the “be” on between…


Staying alive used to be so important.
Our prayers were for heaven and not hell,
Disillusioned that we'd ever be home again,
Our pleas capped with a "Sum nihil, Amen."
Sum nihil.


---The last two lines intrigued me the most… and the first three seemed quite inane. More specifically, the first two… nothing caught my eye. .


Of now, my dreams all since
Find me back in the fields.
Caught in close range, I lob a grenade
And see the utter despair on his face
Followed by a screaming explosion,
My fingertips blown and sprayed


---“Lob” seems to be a poor word choice… and why would you throw a grenade at close range? Unless it was… medium range… but I suppose that just showed the following repercussions he endured. Yeah, I didn’t like “lob”.


And in a flash, I'm back,
Crying onto my wife's trembling cheeks.

Twelve lifeless years since,
A dreamlike, smokey ceiling above,
An embattered man, I stand,
Steadying my pistol's grip hand.


---In essence… this captured me. I enjoyed it a lot the first read through, but once you analyze it… “And in a flash, I’m back” sounds slightly hip and retro and reminds me of MC Hammer.


It's only when you're about to die
That you ever truly feel alive.

With the dilapidated glory of a neutron star,
I swallow my future.
Asperity, I'm charmed.

Alive...


---Hmm… once again, that poorly crafted opening line reoccurs. It does what it is supposed to, quite successfully I must say, but it doesn’t capture me with its word choice. The following three lines worked very well and yeah… neutron star? Hmm. I take it this was clearly metaphorical and pertains to something concerning thought or electricity… heh.


Hmm. Overall, a quite decent piece I must say. A few minor erks that I noticed, but it was wasn’t in any way bad.



Overall… the piece was above average, but only select bits stood out to me. The rest seemed like filler to lead up to the ending, which was quite awesome.