Hideously Vicious Elegance

[DeadReligion]

On a totally on unrelated note, I remember reading here, that there was some place we could share short stories, is that still active?

Hideously Vicious Elegance

(Verse 1)
There is elegance, in the exosphere
The black sweater of the world
That brings cold, not warmth
With white stars, the sweater’s design

(Verse 2)
There is an elegant look
In the fiery crimson undergrounds of the lithosphere
The beauty of magma, murderous liquid fire
It crashes against mantles like waves on a beach

(Verse 3)
There is an elegant sentiment in the English villain
It must be the voice, more chic than gold
Attitude has a hidden iciness,
The hate behind the permanently fogged up window

(Outro)
We’re all sick; we’ve got voracity that lingers
Drips off our teeth, like our repast’s blood

Organic and inorganic revulsion
But, Mother Nature has the ability to inconsequently fire at will
We’ve all got to pay that hag some day…
We know it; we know it and we’re scared
Liquor and fear, makes for a lofty little cocktail

[ATC]

There is elegance, in the exosphere
The black sweater of the world
That brings cold, not warmth
With white stars, the sweater’s design


I like the opening. Take out the comma though. Also, since there is no music to accompany this, works like this look better if presented in poem form ie. you abandon the 4 lines of similar length form. For example, it would work much better if you did..
The black sweater of the world that brings cold,
not warmth .White stars the sweater's design.
Just as an example. There's a few other ways to do this as well. In this case, it frees up the word 'stars' to function as a verb as well, which I think is kinda cool.


There is an elegant scent
In the undergrounds of the lithosphere
The beauty of magma, a murderous liquid fire
It crashes against the mantles like waves on a beach

Minor reqording in the first line and the last line are all you need here. This section's relatively strong. You just need to take out unwanted little words like 'It', 'the' etc.


There is an elegance, in the ferocious beasts
A panther, black, roams in the night
A tiger, camouflaged and fangs ready
Is there a prey worth the hunt?


Starting every verse with There is.. might get tiresome since you're not mining virgin territory with them. My comments about the earlier stanzas stand. You definitely need to edit this and take out the tiny words.
eg: Is there prey worth a hunt? etc


There is an elegant sentiment in the English villain
It must be the voice, more elegant than gold
Attitude has a hidden iciness,
The hate behind the permanently fogged up window

Too much elegance. I'd take one of the verses out if I were you.


The living and the nonliving hatred
But, Mother Nature has the ability to inconsequently fire at will
We’ve all got to pay, that hag some day…
We know it, we know it and we’re scared
Beer, and fear, makes for a lofty little cocktail
The living and nonliving hatred
Organic and inorganic revulsion
The gun of a modern day society

This part isn't very elegant and is actually quite incoherent. You lose focus in the middle and your message is obscured since you don't build up to a gun the way you could have. The living hate the non-living and vice versa is not a statement that can be absorbed unless you back and build it up. Rhyming beer and fear is another big no-no.

Forgive the harsh crit. You've done better.

[RollerQueen]

You start off strong and burn out in the third stanza. That black sweater thing's great, but you don't go anywhere interesting with it. I don't understand the "scent" working well with magma or all of that intense heat; the logical lapse bugs me like not having enough sauce with my pasta, though in a different way. The "elegance" thing wears a little thin by the third verse because of the way it's used. That verse's only saving grace is the closing line. There's a bit of a recovery in the fourth verse, and ATC's right in that "elegance" bit. Remove the comma after "pay" in the outro, and what's this about "inconsequential"? All evidence sides with the contrary. The second half of the "Beer and fear" line, with "lofty little cocktail" comes as a relief, but the ending... Obviously, the arms of billions has brought very little peace, so I disagree with that on principal. Ah well.

Another day, another brief crit. Give me caterpillars.

[DeadReligion]

I meant to type "Peace can only come from billions" I was referring to all living things. Also, I said that's the only way it will happen, I never said it already had. I know the beer/fear rhyme was crappy, I'll probably replace beer with liquor. I meant "Mother Earth" which we treat like some other god-like force has no emotional stake in humans, it doesn't care if it kills humans, whatever the **** it is. But I probably didn't say that clearly enough.

[RollerQueen]

Peace is a peeve of mine, so don't mind that. Your explanations make more sense now.

[Disco Donkey]

The "everyone join hands in peace" topic has certainly been done to death by now, but I commend you for at least trying to change it up a little bit. I really liked the black sweater idea you incorporated in the first stanza, it was a good set-up for the rest of the song. Actually, I like all of the verses for different reasons. I like the 1st because, as I said, it sets up the rest of the piece nicely. The 2nd used alliteration superbly, and the 3rd just rocks my socks off lyrically.

But the outro...how can I put this nicely? It sucks. You effectively gave us a layout of what cruelty the world contains, but you falter at delivering anything but a vague solution with vague language. One line almost saved it: "Liquor and fear, makes for a lofty little cocktail," but it wasn't enough to salvage it. (By the way, you don't need that comma after "fear"). You also use too many contradictory/contrasting words, rather intentionally or not, that don't serve to do anything other than confuse me. (i.e "organic and inorganic revulsion").

I felt cheated because you took the easy way out of telling us how to change like an 80's Coke commerical. I know that this theme is not any easy thing to write about without using 20+ pages of an essay, but an unoriginal topic does not mean you have to use unoriginal words to write about it with. Overall, this is decent but not fantastic.

[DeadReligion]

Well, thanks for the critique. Also, the third verse was an allusion to Christopher Lee, if you didn't get that. I've always found him to have a strange elegance, especially when playing villains. So I used him to portray a sort of elegant hate. Not to diss him, I just think he portrays it so well.

[holy_roller99]

On a totally on unrelated note, I remember reading here, that there was some place we could share short stories, is that still active?

Hideously Vicious Elegance

(Verse 1)
There is elegance, in the exosphere
The black sweater of the world
That brings cold, not warmth
With white stars, the sweater’s design

(Verse 2)
There is an elegant look
In the fiery crimson undergrounds of the lithosphere
The beauty of magma, murderous liquid fire
It crashes against mantles like waves on a beach

(Verse 3)
There is an elegant sentiment in the English villain
It must be the voice, more chic than gold
Attitude has a hidden iciness,
The hate behind the permanently fogged up window

(Outro)
We’re all sick; we’ve got voracity that lingers
Drips off our teeth, like our repast’s blood

Organic and inorganic revulsion
But, Mother Nature has the ability to inconsequently fire at will
We’ve all got to pay that hag some day…
We know it; we know it and we’re scared
Liquor and fear, makes for a lofty little cocktail

i like this peice but than again almost all of DeadReligions peices are good. it is really dark and describes some of the stupidity in the world today and also how we have to take responsibility for our actions ( at least what i get out of it). it flows very nicely and is very abstained from using cliched lines that do not stop you from seeing the excellent imagery used. i really like it and if i got the wrong iamge then i was supposed to well sorry .