Feeling this Regret

[firefromhell666]

Verse 1

Feeling this regret, for all that I have mastered
But a look in the mirror changes it all.
I see a smile of hopeless spread across my face.
Everything is gone but the feeling of being lost.

Chours

Lies, Lust, and Fear I have conquered
Still I feel there is more to the story.
Unfinished I know It will be
Because now my life is a quivering, constant worry

Verse 2
I feel the fear of you leaving my side
crushing me the way it happened once before.
The regrets will never go away
I try but the memories of us just seem to fray.


Chours

Lies, Lust, and Fear I have conquered
Still I feel there is more to the story.
Unfinished I know It will be
Because now my life is a quivering, constant worry

[Noku]

If you are too lazy to put it in easily readable form don't expect anyone to give you any tips...

Example:

Verse 1

Line 1
Line 2
Line 3
Line 4

Chorus

Line 5
Line 6
Line 7
Line 8

Verse 2

etc...

[firefromhell666]

There I've made some changes so it's easier to read. Sorry bout that I didn't mean to be lazy.

[DeadReligion]

That's still a crappy form.

[firefromhell666]

well then i just suck, i'll never write music again

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

sounds like a plan! I mean, with that kinda attitude you can get through life, and never really accomplish anything!

[firefromhell666]

Hey i'm just kidding, I'm working on this right now i just need to get the lines how i want them just give me a little time. I never give up that easy.

[DeadReligion]

Voodoo was being sarcastic.

[firefromhell666]

I know but it was pretty dumb of me to say that in the first place. can you guys please crit. what i wrote.

[Pesnja]

I like it. But it's "Chorus" not "Chours" just to let you know.

And keep this in mind: "A poem is never finished - only abandoned." - Paul Valorey

Yeah, I really don't have anything bad to say - it's good man.

[DeadReligion]

That's a lovely little quote, really, that's cool.

[DeadReligion]

Feeling this regret, for all that I have mastered
But a look in the mirror changes it all.
I see a smile of hopeless spread across my face.
Everything is gone but the feeling of being lost.
^ This isn't too bad, a tinge of cliche hurts it a bit though. Also, it's "hopelessness".

Lies, Lust, and Fear I have conquered
Still I feel there is more to the story.
Unfinished I know It will be
Because now my life is a quivering, constant worry
^ The last line needs rewording, quivering is a good word though. This isn't too bad, a little cliche with the unfinished story business.

I feel the fear of you leaving my side
crushing me the way it happened once before.
The regrets will never go away
I try but the memories of us just seem to fray.
^ Cliche, bad. This is where it totally falls apart, nothing original, just cliche.

Overall its ok, a 6/10

[Trueone1]

"Lies, Lust, and Fear I have conquered
Still I feel there is more to the story.
Unfinished I know It will be <- I think there should be a "what" before "I"
Because now my life is a quivering, constant worry"

"Feeling this regret, for all that I have mastered<- "I have" to "I've"
But a look in the mirror changes it all.
I see a smile of hopeless spread across my face.<- I think I would say "Hopelessness" and "spreads", and take out "I see" Imo I see is kind of not needed.
Everything is gone but the feeling of being lost."<-- Change "but" to "exept".

Anotherwords:
Feeling this regret, for all that I've mastered.
But a look in the mirror changes it all.
A smile of hopelessness spreads across my face.
Everything is gone exept the feeling of being lost.

Other than that it's not a bad song. I'd give it, as it sits, a 6/10 but it could be a 8/10. Hope I didn't bucheor it up too much....

[MidnightHysteria]

It feels very forced. I get the impression that you're adding a lot of extra syllables to fit the music, yet they detract from the actual content of the piece.

[firefromhell666]

alright, i'll work on it more thanks for you crit., and no you didn't butcher it at all I like the way you put it. Thanks again.