Black and White

[Noku]

Here is some lyrics I wrote few days ago. I met a person who really stole my solitude. You know, when you are with your friends but that something is missing and you are kind of outsider, even though you are having fun. With her it's never like that, it's always us there. And I am stronger in my life because this time I really have something there to hold on to.

***

Sailing,
in my wide unknown
Scared
and down,
Feeling alone
In wide unknown
All alone
Scared and down

All the beach lines
Of desert islands
All the ships
With rotten skeltons
I am all alone
In wide unknown

Without a friend, without love
Without a home, without you
Scared and alone
Down in wide unknown

Without dreams, without love
Without meaning in my life
Scared in wide unknown
Down and alone

One night it blurred my sight
It was you in black and white
The light was all too bright
You in black and white

Sailing,
in my wide unknown
Brave
and strong,
Feeling fine
And nothings wrong
With you
Brave and strong

With a friend, who I love
With a place of warm return
Strong and fine
Brave in my new world

***

And now that you have read it I can tell you that I just wrote it from top of my head in five minutes. She deservs a better song but anyway that isn't that bad either... I just want to know how bad. And please, I don't need to be noted that how cheesy it is to rhyme words like night, sight, light, bright. I just wanted to force that black and white there because it is our little joke and it has have cheesy content around.

[Noku]

And I will hate everyone who gives more than 6/10

[TojesDolan]

I can safely say it was repetitive. It's a good idea but it certainly needs a lot of work to actually be a great read.


5.9999/10

[Noku]

Well... it is repetive because I tried to create kind of sailing feel with tides in it. But yeah, it sucks big time :D And I believe I won't be revising it, I have better ideas to work with.

[slickathenyou]

If you believe it sucks, why post it anyway? That makes no sense whatsoever.

[Noku]

I would appreciate it if someone could point out something interesting from it.

[Nightvision]

I'll make a point of getting to this at some point - chase me up if I forget, mmkay?

[MidnightHysteria]

I gave about 8 reads to the first two stanzas looking for something clever in all the line breaks. I could find nothing; thus, I think it would be asthetically less annoying if there were less of them. Say, half as many? Of course, that doesn't change the sound so it's not terribly important as in regards to this as a song.


Something interesting about the song? It seems like more of a "story telling" type song than the "exploration of a moment" or "definition of an emotion" type thing. I would have no problem with that except that you only have one plot point. Of couse, I could be totally missing the point and it's very much about the emotion, but if it were I don't think you would have spent so long on setting up the beginning.

Overall, I've gotta admit, this is pretty unremarkable. 4¼/10 unremarkable.