Obit Resolution #11

[ATC]

Further forays into trip-hop. Leave me a link and I'll crit back if I think you could use my input. :)

Obit Resolution #11
-Caleb D.

These words died in the night. Many moons ago.
Love, pain, heart, girl, dream, red, zen, Oh Mother!
Oh Mother! These words are dead and I
must shrink from them. Hide pitifully
sincere words in the hollow of my throat, I must
look away if they scream at me from within a page, or a neon
sign advertising 'Red Zen Girl Hearts'. I must look
away is where I should I look to find
words that are alive, and gently sustaining, holding up
the clubfoot tortoise that we lay our feet on under the earth.

I shall never know what a Heart looked like. It died
long before I was born. Oh Mother! You ruined it
for everyone.

Music, child, sin, night, Darling, flower, day, Oh Mother!
Oh Mother! I must watch my words and choose
only the freshest for my kitchen table, leafy, firm,
untroubled by inexpressive tongues. I do not contribute
to death. I will uncloak my scythe around endangered syllables.
I will not contribute to a genocide.
I will not ruin it
for everyone. I promise.

[drumass04]

*picks up jaw from floor*

I love it, great stuff. Your writing never ceases to amaze me.

Tim

[deathscreamingsheep]

Trip-Hop eh? Can't say I really enjoy much of that kind of music but I'll crit your lyrics anyway.

First the bad:
I must look
away is where I should I look to find
words that are alive,

I really didn't like this bit and to be frank it ruined the stanza. Firstly it seems slightly clichéd and secondly it doesn't seem to fit well amongst the rest of the verse which I must say is very assonant.

the clubfoot tortoise

Not a bad phrase but it's just I started by skim reading and paused for about a minute thinking "OK what the f***". But it's still a cool bit, definitely don't remove it.

[/quote]I shall never know what a Heart looked like. It died
long before I was born. Oh Mother! You ruined it
for everyone. [/quote]

Again this is slightly cliché I feel, but as it's an important part of the song I think it works.

I will uncloak my scythe

This imagary to me doesn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the song.

I had to really look to find these points. Overall it's another excellent piece of work and as usual another set of great lyrics.

Can you crit my song New Years Day?

[DeadReligion]

Very interesting flow, I like it. Now on to the actual critique.

These words died in the night. Many moons ago.
Love, pain, heart, girl, dream, red, zen, Oh Mother!
Oh Mother! These words are dead and I
must shrink from them. Hide pitifully
sincere words in the hollow of my throat, I must
look away if they scream at me from within a page, or a neon
sign advertising 'Red Zen Girl Hearts'. I must look
away is where I should I look to find
words that are alive, and gently sustaining, holding up
the clubfoot tortoise that we lay our feet on under the earth.
^ First, the flow in this stanza is lovely. The whole looking for words that are alive idea, is slightly cliche, but, so is just about everything else...In the second line, I don't like the inclusion of love and pain, maybe there are better words? I mean, it makes it sound cliche and ruins the line. Neon is also rather overused, maybe adding a unique descriptor there would help. The clubfoot tortoise thing gave me a bit of a chuckle, very original though.

I shall never know what a Heart looked like. It died
long before I was born. Oh Mother! You ruined it
for everyone.
^ Hmm, is there a reason heart is capitalized? I think there is... this part is rather interesting, yet, cliche at the same time, and the last part, about ruining it, was just whiny.

Music, child, sin, night, Darling, flower, day, Oh Mother!
Oh Mother! I must watch my words and choose
only the freshest for my kitchen table, leafy, firm,
untroubled by inexpressive tongues. I do not contribute
to death. I will uncloak my scythe around endangered syllables.
I will not contribute to a genocide.
I will not ruin it
for everyone. I promise.
^ The flow isn't as cool here. The listing off here is a bad repetition...also, night and day should probably go together. The next few parts have no severe problems, they just didn't strike me. "I will uncloak my scythe around endangered syllables. " < Now that, is ****in' beautiful. Also, the calling the ruining it for everyone a genocide, was a rather interesting idea. I think you should make the "I won't ruin it for everyone," one line, and, I'd take out the "I promise," it's just rather...annoying.

Overall, you've written better, but this isn't bad. 7/10. Can you crit my "Hideously Vicious Elegance" please? I'd appreciate it.

[vanderpan]

please take a look at:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=462479

recorded it live in a youthclub...
whta do you think?

[Sloth]

These words died in the night. Many moons ago.
Love, pain, heart, girl, dream, red, zen, Oh Mother!
Oh Mother! These words are dead and I
must shrink from them. Hide pitifully
sincere words in the hollow of my throat, I must
look away if they scream at me from within a page, or a neon
sign advertising 'Red Zen Girl Hearts'. I must look
away is where I should I look to find
words that are alive, and gently sustaining, holding up
the clubfoot tortoise that we lay our feet on under the earth. :thumb:
I LOVE the way you tie the lines together like that.. that's probably my favorite "technique" in writing.. There's probably a name for that, but I don't know what it is..I just know that I like it, I use it, and you use it here.. nice job.. I love the feeling and vibe I get from it.


I shall never know what a Heart looked like. It died
long before I was born. Oh Mother! You ruined it
for everyone. interesting idea. I'm not sure how I feel about this....


Music, child, sin, night, Darling, flower, day, Oh Mother!
Oh Mother! I must watch my words and choose
only the freshest for my kitchen table, leafy, firm,
untroubled by inexpressive tongues. I do not contribute
to death. I will uncloak my scythe around endangered syllables.
I will not contribute to a genocide.
I will not ruin it
for everyone. I promise. Contrasting DR, I like the repitition and think you should leave night and day seperately.. I feels right to me to have them apart when EVERY other time they are together... do what you want..
I like how this wraps the piece up and how it continues the idea from the first stanza... That middle triplet is still awkward for me.. I don't even know what to say about it.. So I'd edit that a little bit..
other than that, I like this a lot.. I kinda wish I had wrote it.. cheers :chug:

[xKONRADx]

I liked the overall feeling of it, but as im sure youre aware its pretty abstract. i think you have gotten pretty good at that, and though i dont always practice this principle when i write, i just want to mention that the real genius of a piece is not in its complexity, but its ability to communicate that complex message. i read in the com thread your explanation about the turtle but the entire thing still hasnt clicked. ill try again later, but keep your audience's ability to make sense in mind too.

[ATC]

I thought an explanation might come in handy right about now.
My piece is in response to an article I read about overused words in poetry and how the writer cannot take any poem with the word 'pain' in the title or text seriously because this generation with its Livejournal poets have bled it dry, just like the generation before abused 'Soul'. His point was that every generation kills certain words through overuse and any writer with sense must avoid them altogether, even though those words may be basic to the emotions of so many people. When you think about it, those are the first words that most people 'feel' in. In the poem, I use Mother as a figurehead for a previous generation and wish that I will not repeat those mistakes and have certain words pronounced dead.

I'd appreciate any insight into the audience's ability to make sense of messages. Simply put, where do I go from here if I want people to understand instead of usually going 'Whoa. Brilliant but I dont know what you meant. That was awesome though' or some such.