"Cupid: The Crook"

[Disco Donkey]

I caught you soaking up your tears with iodine
You said you never wanted me to see you cry
I think you lied
I can see it becoming clearer
As it stains the face of the ghost in the mirror
Don’t you hate how you love the way you look?

Take the bits of broken glass
Shovel them into my mouth
It tastes like our relationship could be going south

I was at a place in my mind that reminded me of heaven
You pulled the cloud over my head for an angelic suffocation
Strong imagination
My breath strangled until it choked
Or at least hid somewhere near the back of my throat
Only to be stolen from cupid and his many crooks

Break into my body’s bomb shelter
Steal my supplies
Take away any signs that I could be alive

Put them in a vase upon your mantel of misfits and lost memories
I’ll sit just beside the last of the mistakes you made with me
And I’ll hang just above where I should have been sitting
Beside you
Beside the fire
Beside my favorite lost cause

[RHCPaddict]

I like it alot.
It seems really heartfelt and that's good in writing.

[MidnightHysteria]

Your flow is marvellous. In fact all your devices are well used, except the rhyme. The places where you used it, it's stuck too close together. I prefer my rhymes farther apart so they're used to tie certain ideas to each other.

[Disco Donkey]

Thanks for the comments, I appreciate em.

[Leaves]

There were parts of it, mostly toward the beginning, that I thought were very good. But then it seemed to go downhill the further along it went.

The lines I particularly liked:

I caught you soaking up your tears with iodine
You said you never wanted me to see you cry
I think you lied
Great opening. I really like the rhythm produced by the shortened third line.

Take the bits of broken glass
Shovel them into my mouth
It tastes like our relationship could be going south
Mainly I like the last line, but I included all three because I like the rhyme scheme.

Other than that, nothing stood out to me as particularly good. There were some parts that I thought were quite flawed, though. Just breakdowns in rhythm and lyrical content. The second half could use significant restructuring, in my opinion.

[Disco Donkey]

Thanks much for your honest criticisms Leaves. The reason that the second half has such a different is because when I wrote this, I saw the music in my head as being sped up for those parts. I wanted it to seem more aggressive because the lyrics get a little more intense. I know it's impossible to be able to tell that simply from reading it, though. But anywho, that's my little explanation. Thanks again.

[DeadReligion]

MH nailed the rhyme issue on the head.

I caught you soaking up your tears with iodine
You said you never wanted me to see you cry
I think you lied
I can see it becoming clearer
As it stains the face of the ghost in the mirror
Don’t you hate how you love the way you look?
^ I've seen iodine used a little bit too much lately, and the last line is overused as well.

Take the bits of broken glass
Shovel them into my mouth
It tastes like our relationship could be going south
^ I hate the last line. It's bland, unoriginal, and just plain dumb. The topic of the song is a souring relationship, I don't think we need that lines as a reminder. Now, I think the first two lines are pretty cool, but you could go for something a little more original.

I was at a place in my mind that reminded me of heaven
You pulled the cloud over my head for an angelic suffocation
Strong imagination
My breath strangled until it choked
Or at least hid somewhere near the back of my throat
Only to be stolen from cupid and his many crooks
^ The first line is overused, ALOT. However, this verse makes a more than full recovery. The next four lines are my favorites I think, and perfect, aside from the shitty rhyme. Cupid is a name, therefore it needs capitalization, but thats a minor error. Cupid as an enemy has been delved into before, I've done it me own self once or twice. However, its not cliche to the point of complete unoriginality.

Break into my body’s bomb shelter
Steal my supplies
Take away any signs that I could be alive
^ The last line is rather unimaginitive, but the bomb shelter idea is original, and it's pretty good, however, I think it deserves more than two lines.

Put them in a vase upon your mantel of misfits and lost memories
I’ll sit just beside the last of the mistakes you made with me
And I’ll hang just above where I should have been sitting
Beside you
Beside the fire
Beside my favorite lost cause
^ The first line is good, but then it totally falls apart, with cliches, unoriginality, and a little bit of a choppy flow.

Overall, this is pretty good, but I've seen better. 6.9/10
Could you please crit my "Hideously Vicious Elegance"? I've edited it a bit.

[Disco Donkey]

Thanks for your truthful crit. This isn't one of my favorite pieces that I've written recently, so not only do I not take offense to any of the responses I've gotten, but I agree with them for the most part.

I'll be sure to take a look at your piece DR.

[dustindow]

I like the word use but ease up on the ryming. It makes it sound like a school assignment or elementry. Other than that your doing great.