My New Song, "Thrown Around".

[Jacob6293]

Here are the lyrics to a new song I wrote called "Thrown Around". Tell me what you think of it. I hope you like it.

Verse 1:

When you're here
I just talk, and you just listen
Can you be anything more
I am waiting to be hurt again
You're the only one who makes me sore.

Chorus:

I am tired of the screaming
I'm tired of the tears
I'm tired of just sitting here
When you're not even near
I know that we are fighting, we don't have to clash
There are better things than my life
That you have the right to thrash.

Verse 2:

I know
That you will never be there for me
But you said
That you could never see
That I'm talking to you when you're no even there
Sometimes I just have to take more than I can bare.

Then go back to the chorus. Now the bridge.

I'm sick of this
I know we're going down
But that does not give you the right
To throw me around.

Then go back to the chorus three more times. And that's it. Please tell me what you think of it. Thanks.

[Jacob6293]

Can somebody please crit this?

[firefromhell666]

dude in a way i can relate to these lyrics, but I think you could have used some deeper words throughout the whole thing. Its good but just work on some wordings.

[Pesnja]

Not sure what you were aiming for but it's emo-ish, which isn't my style. However it's good. I agree with firefromhell666 that you could've used deeper words, but good first attempt.

I hope that didn't come across as condescending...

[gabbahey there we go]

dude... enough of the damn anything related to the word emo crap... for people that dont like the trend youre keeping up with it suprisingly well

... it pisses me off

its morose


MOROSE!!!

it was an allright song, but really cliche, really forced rhymes, you should keep working on it

try to piece it together a bit more, try to add some metaphors or similies to make it more interesting, and get rid of some of the cliche factor...

anything i missed?

do you think you could crit mine if you get the time?

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=430261

[Pesnja]

dude... enough of the damn anything related to the word emo crap... for people that dont like the trend youre keeping up with it suprisingly well

... it pisses me off

its morose


MOROSE!!!

it was an allright song, but really cliche, really forced rhymes, you should keep working on it

try to piece it together a bit more, try to add some metaphors or similies to make it more interesting, and get rid of some of the cliche factor...

anything i missed?

Whoa... Were you yelling at me, bro? I just offered some criticism...Sorry...

[LatinDrummer89]

Hey is anyone here young porbably under their 20's that is from Miami because my band needs a singer/screamer or just a singer if you are let me know

[MidnightHysteria]

Hey is anyone here young porbably under their 20's that is from Miami because my band needs a singer/screamer or just a singer if you are let me know
1) wrong forum
2) wrong thread
3) I wish we could still report bad posts
4) no

[MidnightHysteria]

Oh, right. The song. Gabbahey said most of what was necessay, although he left out several other literary devices that I think would benefit you greatly.

Use some imagery to appeal to the senses of the reader/listener and help them understand you're emotion more. For instance, instead of saying "I am tired of the screaming/ I'm tired of the tears" you could spice it up by saying things like "Our screaming scorches our throats and rattles the room, summoning our acid tears" (NOTE: that was not an especially creative example so I wouldn't use it if I were you, but I was just using it to demonstrate a basic usage of imagery).

Coincidentally, the passage I just used as an example of imagery also contains another device that you would probably find useful: Alliteration. Alliteration means starting off many words which are close together in a piece with the same sound (not necessarily the same letter, but the same sound. For instance, "general" and "jewel" are alliterative).

Kindly add these things to what Gabbahey already said. Internalize them, practice them, apply them, and you shall be on your way to becoming a better writer.

[firefromhell666]

:thumb: very nicely put MidnightHysteria.

[CrazyCream]

Here are the lyrics to a new song I wrote called "Thrown Around". Tell me what you think of it. I hope you like it.

Verse 1:

When you're here
I just talk, and you just listen
Can you be anything more
I am waiting to be hurt again
You're the only one who makes me sore.

Chorus:

I am tired of the screaming
I'm tired of the tears
I'm tired of just sitting here
When you're not even near
I know that we are fighting, we don't have to clash
There are better things than my life
That you have the right to thrash.

Verse 2:

I know
That you will never be there for me
But you said
That you could never see
That I'm talking to you when you're no even there
Sometimes I just have to take more than I can bare.

Then go back to the chorus. Now the bridge.

I'm sick of this
I know we're going down
But that does not give you the right
To throw me around.

Then go back to the chorus three more times. And that's it. Please tell me what you think of it. Thanks.

My personal opinion of the song is different from others. Now if you look at each perspective of the song and it's ideas, you have what alot of movies, poems, books, and songs are about. So first thing is that the idea is unoriginal. Second thing is that you put it very bluntly and pretty much extended the song by saying the same thing of how you feel. Next thing is that your idea to repeat the chorus three more times at the end is old, actually annoying in alot songs. Although, you could make the song end with the chorus with like a solo, and changing the way you sing, but people would still know the words. Last thing is that you don't have to ryhme to make a song good or catchy. It's all about how you sing it, and that you get your exact meaning of the song. It doesn't mean you have to use bigger words, it's just the right words. Words that convey towards the people that listen to it. Don't take it personal on my opinion, I'm telling you how to improve your song, so more people will like it.