So good in blue

[Walker]

OK, this is my first thread so that's my excuse. All critisizm is welcome i need all the help i can get. I also noticed that when played it sounds a lot better then the lyrics look. It was written about a party me and my gf went too, but yeah, dont hold back. BTW Miss rexation is my gfs last name ... without the Miss obviously. (brackets indicate the background singing so really it's like 2 different lyrics in one ... read all the unbracketed and then all the brackets)

And i know the silence scares us more,
more then you leavin ever could.

(mascara) They sit on the jetty
(eyelashes) over-looking the river,
(one question) cuddling blaming the
(two answers) cold summer weather,
(new lipgloss) Her beautiful green eyes
(new skirt) were the only things sparkilin',
(the world) brighter then the stars
(stands still).

(she's leaving)They stare at the moonlight
(he's wishing) reflectin off of the surface,
(merry christmas) she smiles and takes his hand
(Miss Rexation) into hers,
(her car)a beautiful navy blue sky
(pulls away) thats lookin' up at you
(he's standin) the bonfires almost out
(on the driveway)

And i know
the silence scares us more,
more then you leavin ever could.

Thanx heaps .... Walker:thumb:

[deathscreamingsheep]

Ok here goes.

You've picked quite a clichéd theme to work with. This final couplet I think is a particular offender.

the silence scares us more,
more then you leavin ever could.

A minor point. The bracketted words for backing vocals are usually placed to the right of the lead vocals.

However, I think the main point about the words in the backing vocals is I really don't like them. Firstly this is your actual girlfriend right? Well, the first verses backing sounds like you percieve her as really superficial which I really don't think you want to convey. Secondly, the words themselves, especially the "one question two answers" bit has been done to death.

Also, I'm not sure putting your girlfriend's name into the lyrics is a good idea. Rexation eh... even for a second name that's a bit interesting.

cuddling blaming the

I think this flows better as cuddling and blaming.

she smiles and takes his hand
(Miss Rexation) into hers

I'm not sure this really flows but meh...

Overall not a bad first attempt. You've already done music with it so I can't say much about the flow because it obviously works when you sing it.

One final thing: it's probably better to put the gs at the end of the words. It just looks less contrived if you do.

Overall 6.5/10.

Can you crit my song New Years Day?

[Littlejohn]

The doubling vocals is the same idea as Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New, almost identical ideas actually. They work it well, but I wouldn't even know what the background guy was saying since his voice is so smooth and musical (listen to the song and you'll know what I mean). So don't pull if off like that, because both sets are needed to be understoon in order for this to work. I'm not sure how you are planning to link the two, but just make sure that the audience can follow both ideas.

As for the lyrics themselves, they are very emo-reminiscent. (Don't ban, ya haters, I used it correctly and constructively.) Which is fine, but try and stray from whining too much in the vocal patterns, because that is what makes songs like this seem "emo" in a bad way.

Personally, I would work a double meaning at the end of each verse. I.E.-

(the world) brighter then the stars
(stands still)

Try this:

(the world) for that moment time
Unison vocals: stands still

It gives the last line closure for both sets of lyrics! Also if both people could sing it in harmony, it would sound ace.

Try the same thing for the "On the driveway" one. I'm not doing that one though :P

Sure, its cliche, but a lot of songs are. This one could work.

[DaveIsWrong]

OK, this is my first thread so that's my excuse. All critisizm is welcome i need all the help i can get. I also noticed that when played it sounds a lot better then the lyrics look. It was written about a party me and my gf went too, but yeah, dont hold back. BTW Miss rexation is my gfs last name ... without the Miss obviously. (brackets indicate the background singing so really it's like 2 different lyrics in one ... read all the unbracketed and then all the brackets)

And i know the silence scares us more,
more then you leavin ever could.

(mascara) They sit on the jetty
(eyelashes) over-looking the river,
(one question) cuddling blaming the
(two answers) cold summer weather,
(new lipgloss) Her beautiful green eyes
(new skirt) were the only things sparkilin',
(the world) brighter then the stars
(stands still).

(she's leaving)They stare at the moonlight
(he's wishing) reflectin off of the surface,
(merry christmas) she smiles and takes his hand
(Miss Rexation) into hers,
(her car)a beautiful navy blue sky
(pulls away) thats lookin' up at you
(he's standin) the bonfires almost out
(on the driveway)

And i know
the silence scares us more,
more then you leavin ever could.

Thanx heaps .... Walker:thumb:

First of all, the first two lines, "The silence scares us..." is already used word for word by Early November in the song "Come Back."

And:

The doubling vocals is the same idea as Soco Amaretto Lime by Bright Eyes,

Soco Amaretto Lime is by Brand New, not Bright Eyes.

[Littlejohn]

Soco Amaretto Lime is by Brand New, not Bright Eyes.
UGHHHH

I feel retarded. I was listening to to Bowl of Oranges by Bright Eyes while typing that crit so I got 'em mixed up. Dammmmit

[Walker]

Thanx everyone i actually found this really helpful, and yeah il b sure to crit New Years Day. As for the whole Brand New coupling thing, that's were i got the idea from so that's why it would be very similar. Also with The Early November line, i know i have that CD somewere so i may have subliminaly copied it, honest but subliminaly. Also the line "a beautiful navy blue sky
thats lookin' up at you" I noticed is very similar to "Baby Blue" so there is every possibility i have accidently borrowed those lines. Also that's not my gfs real name i figured it'd b better not to use her real one but something very similar, it's not far off. But thanx everyone and if possible keep em comin i dont think theres a comment that i didnt find useful.