Sung Softly

[Tyrion]

My uh, most recent poem. I like where I'm going to with this, but I think the rhyming might be a bit bland, unfortunately. Need to get out of the whole a/b scheme. Considering how my previous pieces were rated, I imagine few of you are going to like this. Oh well, please critique anyway!

Sung gently under soft illumination
These words will bring sullen rumination
Soaring lightly over the morning dawn
Avoiding the cries of a human fawn
Born into a fair air amidst sweet care
Surrounded now, by such despair too well aware
Memories of his kin are brightly embolden
A moment shown of their demise beholden
All the while you know so well your own sweet fate
Far, far above his own; dwelling in murmured debate
Over his life: either sound asleep, so adoring
Or as the faded mortal dreaming only of foreboding
Of singing gently every night to calm the shrieks of desperation.

Thanks.

[Tyrion]

So uh, no one?

[slickathenyou]

I like the poem, but you have some grammar issues.

Memories of his kin are brightly embolden
A moment shown of their demise beholden

With this line, both of the last words should be in past tense (emboldened, beholdened). However, I don't know if beholden works with the '-ed' past tense form. I don't even know if it's a word, what kind of Old English is that?

All the while you're know so well your own sweet fate

'You're' should be changed to 'you'.

I like this poem.
8/10

Crit mine if you get the chance:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429576

[Tyrion]

I like the poem, but you have some grammar issues.


With this line, both of the last words should be in past tense (emboldened, beholdened). However, I don't know if beholden works with the '-ed' past tense form. I don't even know if it's a word, what kind of Old English is that?

http://www.answers.com/beholden&r=67

It's to behold, but I think I used it as a verb when I shouldn't have. Oh well. Besides, poems don't have to be grammatically correct.

'You're' should be changed to 'you'.

Yeah, my mistake. I had tried to change that line a few times to get it across right, and that was an oversight.

I like this poem.
8/10

Crit mine if you get the chance:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429576

Thanks for your help.

[Chameleonst]

The last three lines are my favorite, since the first two do rhyme but almost subconsciously, not so much in-your-face as the other ones. I commend you on excellent vocabulary and imagery but I would really enjoy seeing this one in a more complicated format than a/b.