Two Empty Bottles

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
1/2/06

What We Found At the Scene Were Two Empty Bottles and Two Dead Hearts

It's all in passing
Glances at the watch.

The mixers we downed in our stupor said
That we could walk on water if we tried,
We drowned our Jesus image last night...
And when you wake up it's morning.

You've got oil and blood on your hands.

A memory solidified at a midnight crash site,
The biting tongues of serpents still poised to strike,
They bleed the life out from her face.
They poison the light out of the day.

Regret, regret can make you weak.

Behind every bar lie bottles of guilt.
Behind every wheel is the power to kill.
Inside every cemetary lie shallow graves.
Inside every cell is another behind the reins.

[Nightvision]

black dott'd.

[amped]

you're still good. your writing is exquisite.

[drumass04]

There's no point in me crit'ing this in-depth because I'd just be saying how brilliant you are all the time, and we don't want that. Do we?

Great piece, great imagery, great use of devices and great use of vocabulary.

Anything else you want me to say is great?

9.75/10

[spongebath01]

That was excellent.

'Nough said.

[NoHoper]

o.O

wow

[Dimebag Dom]

Wow that was exceptionally remarkable

[RollerQueen]

Since I need to get my mind off the parallels between my life and my reading of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and because your pieces are always enlightening, I decided to make the first crit move. Be on your guard, merchant.

Forgive me for not being as awestruck as the others, my friend. The opening lines are almost enticing but don't stick out enough to be singled out. Perhaps you're relying on this odd divination of a weaker couplet for some odd effect, but it's bland to me. A recovery comes with the personification of the alcoholic beverage, so kudos to that. There's a certain amount of wit in pairing Jesus with alcohol, suggesting a perhaps unintentional nod to the "water into wine" stories. Everyone sings about drinking these days, and you mostly make it worthwhile to build something from it... Good isolation on that one line... Alright, you lose me with the second part there, and I can't make a lick of sense from it. I can make a vague connection with Jesus, alcohol, and snakes/demons, but that's more than I'd like to, so I'll leave that. You tailor up at the end, though, so thanks for that; I know you do everything to appease me ("You know it's true, everything I do, I do it foooooor you" - B. Adams). You can afford to be straighforward here, and it helps a lot.

All it all, this isn't your best. Sorry. u no I luvs u.

You could check out my abysmal latest or wait for "The Veteran" to finish preliminary revisions.

[DeadReligion]

Heh, I just finished HP and The Half-Blood Prince.

A memory solidified at a midnight crash site,
The biting tongues of serpents still poised to strike,
They bleed the life out from her face.
They poison the light out of the day.
^ This **** is ****ing brilliant. Especially the slight alliteration in the first line.

Behind every bar lie bottles of guilt.
Behind every wheel is the power to kill.
Inside every cemetary lie shallow graves.
Inside every cell is another behind the reins.
^ This **** is ****ing brilliant as well.

The rest is so-so. That's all I've got on this, have an orgasmic ****in' day, or morning, rather.