A Perfect Picture

[xLostHopex]

One of my newest written lyrics. Yeah I haven't had much inspiration lately, nothing excitings happened. Anyways...

See the war and hear my cry!
The Battles won with no demise!
Fear the spirits that begin to rise
From within the depths of the skies

Valleys painted red with blood
Blossoming from the rose bud
Comes the great flood
Of red stained mud

A Perfect Picture filled with blood
Bodies laying in the mud
Wishing I was dead

She was beautiful and he was in love
She was as perfect as the dove
Peaceful and quite was she
Obnoxious and violent was he

Off to war he was sent
While he was gone she fell in love
With another Man
He came home to find out
His heart was broken now he’s dead

A Perfect Picture filled with suicide
He wasn’t meant to confide
Within her like that

This is not a fantasy
This is pure reality
Love, Lust
Hate, Trust

Feelings within the human mind
No one understands
They don’t understand how it works
And all the messed up quirks
That make us who we are

A Perfect Picture
Full of emotions
We will never understand

Violence, War, Lust [shouted]
Drives me Crazy Man...[spoken]

[slickathenyou]

See the war and hear my cry!
The Battles won with no demise!
Fear the spirits that begin to rise
From within the depths of the skies
Overall, good, but the last line needs to be shortened.

Valleys painted red with blood
Blossoming from the rose bud
Comes the great flood
Of red stained mud
The last two lines ought to be lengthened because they don't work with your syllables, UNLESS you're planning to slow it down/make it more dramatic before the chorus.

A Perfect Picture filled with blood
Bodies laying in the mud
Wishing I was dead
This repeats the last 2 lines of the second stanza, so I would change it unless those were some kind of prechorus.

She was beautiful and he was in love
She was as perfect as the dove
Peaceful and quite was she
Obnoxious and violent was he

I do not like the first two lines. First of all, love and dove, as much as they rhyme, just sound corny. Second the lines don't flow. Try shortening it, remove some of the as's. Also, I dont like the last two lines... nevermind, I just don't like that stanza :X.

Off to war he was sent
While he was gone she fell in love
With another Man
He came home to find out
His heart was broken now he’s dead
I don't like this stanza either. This topic is used alot, and you haven't written it very well right here. The lines are all a bit too long and you've lost your structure here. Try to rewrite.

A Perfect Picture filled with suicide
He wasn’t meant to confide
Within her like that

This is not a fantasy
This is pure reality
Love, Lust
Hate, Trust

The first part is OK, but I like the second part. Find a cool, slow guitar effect for it. Some low wahs maybe.

Feelings within the human mind
No one understands
They don’t understand how it works
And all the messed up quirks
That make us who we are

If you look at this stanza, it's similar to the last one that ruined the structure of your poem. It works fine, but you ought to figure out one way for this song to run, not two. I like this one better than the last.

A Perfect Picture
Full of emotions
We will never understand

Violence, War, Lust [shouted]
Drives me Crazy Man...[spoken
I think that this represents your entire poem/lyric. This was my favorite part of the entire thing. I suggest you change it to:
Violence Violence, War, Lust
Drives me Crazy man!

Overall, a decent song. The topic (going to war and losing your love) is used alot, but most songs about it are ok. Was 'picture perfect' your hook?
6.5/10