New Years Day- 3rd song in prog set

[deathscreamingsheep]

As my other song Battery Powered Hero is currently being mucked around with by other members of my band (and the singer is working on the rest of the lyrics) I begun work on my next song. I'm hoping to link this into my prog project but make the lyrics easier to understand and thus have this song as something I can use to advertise the rest of the project.

During this song Doctor Hunter gets flashbacks about his past and reveals his own mindset. It's the only song in the set to be told from his point of view (initially it was going to be entirely from the main character's point of view as the story I wrote was in 1st person).

New Years Day

Remember my sweet, it's our anniversary
A few short years today since you broke your vows to me.

'Till death do us part: A priest made us say
But was the sealing ring you gave me
Just another deceit among the many you made.

Anniversary of my escape from the chains
That bound me to Prometheus’s rock:
New Years Day, the time of my life's greatest change
Liberation from false vows: I join the hunt

An institution will rise, where I can practice my art
Masterpiece of blood and illusion, are you proud my dear you inspired my craft?

Each day I admired your painting tone
I must say its beauty was overpowering.

Anniversary of my escape from the chains
That bound me to Prometheus’s rock:
New Years Day, the time of my life's greatest change
Liberation from false vows: I join the hunt

Remember my sweet, it's our anniversary
A few short years today since you broke your vows to me.

But don’t worry; I’ve continued your work
The institution thrives for the truth to reside

Don’t you feel proud: an honour in my book
That my first and greatest canvas was your body my dear.

As usual I'll crit you. As these lyrics are more open (I hope) and easier to understand than the rest of my prog set (The Hunter's Grand Villa and an as yet untitled second song) you probably don't have to read the others to get this one.

EDIT: hmmm.... I'm not sure on a quick re-read that I've made it clear what he actually does to his wife so I hope to find out whether it is clear when I get some crits.

[deathscreamingsheep]

*bumpage

[MidnightHysteria]

That's some effective writing. However, I think the pet names are overused and should appear less often. Also, I think you should use a couple of similar phrasings to other pieces in the suite to draw some parallels between the characters and perhaps give some more foreshadowing (although I wouldn't recommend doing this too thoroughly until all the parts are written).

[deathscreamingsheep]

I'm planning on revising the whole lot once I've finished the sequence to link them together a bit more. I did purposefully shy away from linking this one in too obviously as I hopefully want to use this song to introduce people to the suite before they get into the actual story. I do use references to the hunt, the asylum and Harmony though, but not really obviously.

Rereading it, I agree about the pet names: I wanted them to appear, but I think I'll edit out some of them.

What do you think about changing line 1 from "my sweet" to "today".
Maybe drop the "my dear" before the "you inspired my craft"

[deathscreamingsheep]

Any other takers?

[iron_lion]

I like the greek allusion

[RollerQueen]

Alright, so I'm removed from the other parts in the suite, so maybe that's a bad thing, but oh well.

Things start off well. The first two stanzas falter a little in starting with the pet name thing but recover nicely. The third stanza (chorus, perhaps?) starts off with something that I don't understand (yes, I know the Prometheus of myth and the one from Chrono Trigger, but I don't know if this is another part of the suite that I'm unaware of) in the first two lines, and the second two come off heavy-handed. The isolated two lines after that are better and can stand alone without too much scrutiny, so no probalo there, essay. The three lines after that scream with flowery language that begs to be taken out back and shot. Sorry, man, but the sentimentality gets in the way of things, so I'd revise that. You cap things off well with that last part, though, and I can't complain. The whole "body as a canvas" thing could come off trite, but it seems to work, so kudos there.

Also, I'm not sure "inspired my craft" was the right way to go with that - too flowery.

Take care, and thanks for checking out my piece.

[deathscreamingsheep]

I don't really know how I can change the 3 lines you really didn't like to be honest as they are pretty central to the whole deal. It was designed to make the character of Hunter to make him seem a bit mad and twisted with his over the top sensibility even when he was carving the woman up with a large knife. But yeah I think I'll have a look at the lines and see how they can be worded differently.

I think I'll definately get rid of the pet names.

The Prometheus refers to another part of the suite. However, I think you have a good point when you said you didn't understand this as I wanted this songs lyrics to be more accessible than the rest of the suite so I'm thinking maybe I should do something different. I'm not sure about this yet: it all depends how it sounds when I start rehearsing the song so for the moment at least I think I'll keep the chorus as it is until I can think of something better.

Cheers for the crits.

[ATC]

Remember my sweet, it's our anniversary
A few short years today since you broke your vows to me.

'Till death do us part: A priest made us say
But was the sealing ring you gave me
Just another deceit from the many you made.

Interesting beginning. I'd generally caution against rhyming anniversary simply because it looks removed from the rest, but I ended up liking it. You've set the scene up pretty well. I can see this as part of a prog opera already. The last line, or to be more specific, the way you ended the last line, didn't work for me. Or you could change from to among and its all good.


Anniversary of my escape from the chains
That held me to Prometheus’s rock
New Years Day, the time of my life's greatest change
Liberation from false vows: I join the hunt

An institution will rise, where I can practice my art
Masterpiece of blood and illusion, are you proud my dear you inspired my craft?

I particularly love the second part of this (from Liberation). Prometheus feels like he's been name-dropped. That second line is what I'd change if I were you. Keep Prometheus but cut some words around (that held me). Line-break the part above it for clarity.

Each day I admired your painting tone
I must say its beauty was overpowering-
A slightly flamboyant touch, for those better informed.

This part's the weakest of the piece, especially the ending line. It feels tacked-on because you needed a verse part or something.

But don’t worry; I’ve continued your work
The institution is thriving and harmony resides here.
Don’t you feel proud: and honour in my book
That my first and greatest canvas was your body my dear.

I like the way this goes. You've captured the Hunter persona quite well. Two quibbles, however. Line 2 isn't very good and in Line 3, change and to The, for clarity's sake. Good luck with the rest of the suite.

I didn't think the pet names took anything away from the piece and actually fit a lot better than they would in other contexts.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Anyone else like to crit?

As a quick question, what sort of music or instrumentation do you see accompanying this song?

As it is a shift of character it will start with a keyboard fill (that's what I do when we change character or time period- in this case as it's both I've put it in the all-tone scale (I don't know the musical name for it- but it's a scale with only whole step intervals).