I'm trying new writing styles. I'll crit for crit.

[Littlejohn]

I threw out my winter song (except for a few lines that I used in this), and I'm trying out new styles. So this is very weird for me. I'll crit for crit.



A rose arose morose from the garden row and slowly froze.
The weather will be gone
in a day or two.
For now, let's stay inside. By the fireplace abide.
I'm sure it will be fine,
Would I lie to you?

The poets spoke in prose by the garden row, as if they know.
Their verse will return
with the morning sun.
But for now their blood is cold, like their parting souls.
Which are sure to return
Once they find their tongues.

CHORUS-
I had a Dream about December
With woolen scarves and spinning cars
but I mourned for November
and falling leaves and calming breeze
I still believe
The roses froze for me

Each rose that froze now glows, in the garden row, barren of snow.
but the cold is sure
to take them someday.
But for now I'll watch and know. My breath fogs up my window.
On which I'll draw a heart
but it fades away
...and you'll never know.

-Chorus-

A rose arose morose from the garden row and slowly froze.
The weather will be gone
in a day or two.

[DeadReligion]

I'd crit it if I could see it.

[Littlejohn]

I'd crit it if I could see it.

k..

[BlackVanillaSky]

"A rose arose morose from the garden row and slowly froze.
The weather will be gone
in a day or two."

Nice way to finish to and end the song. I like it a lot.

"The poets spoke in prose by the garden row, as if they know.
Their verse will return
with the morning sun."

I don't know why, but I find these few lines clever. Though morning sun is a bit cliche.

"I had a Dream about December
With woolen scarves and spinning cars
but I mourned for November
and falling leaves and calming breeze
I still believe
The roses froze for me"

Not a bad chorus, kind of reminded me of AFI. I'm not sure what you mean by spinning cars? Do you mean like cars spinning into accidents because of the snow?

Overall: I give it a 6.5/10. Keep going at it. If you get the time, can you crit mine? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429183

[MidnightHysteria]

I thought it was kinda cute. A little bit repetitive in some spots, but not awful. I really feel that the third line of the chorus ("But I mourned for November") needs another syllable or two. Perhaps "but I mourned for the lost November" or something like that.

[Littlejohn]

To Black: Thanks for the crit, but ya gave me a 65% (D) and didn't give any negative comments. Also, the spinning cars and woolen scarves bit are just things that correlate to winter months.

To MH: Repetitive only in the first line of every verse right? Because that is the main idea of the piece, to show the affects of winter around this central place (the garden). "Cute"? Thanks, but this is a highly depressing piece in my opinion....

[MidnightHysteria]

You read me perfectly.

[Kaden]

I really really like the unusual rhyme scheme in this. I can see that sounding AMAZING with music.

The poets spoke in prose by the garden row, as if they know.
Their verse will return
with the morning sun.
But for now their blood is cold, like their parting souls.
Which are sure to return
Once they find their tongues.
This is my favorite stanza (Although I do love the "weather will be gone in a day or two" bit). I just think it's really cleverly worded and such. Impressive.

My only real concern would be that it sounds repetitive to say garden row at the start of every stanza, but you already explained your reasoning behind that AND it's one of those things where you can't really judge it by reading, you have to hear how it sounds.

9/10, I don't really know of much you could do to improve on it.

[nonamemadox]

i liked it. good imagery. I like that whole dream of december weep for november thing like it could mean more than one thing, or may not. whatever, i liked it. 7/10 cuz the rhymes seem forced
heres mine if you get the chance:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429140

[slickathenyou]

I too like the rhyme scheme, it sounds like "The Boy Who Destroyed The World" by AFI, but with more rhymes :). I really liked it, the only thing I found wrong with it was this line:

But for now I'll watch and know. My breath fogs up my window.

You'll need to say that pretty fast, try to shorten it. I'd like the hear a completed sound file if you ever put this to music.
8/10

Check out my new song:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429576

[Walker]

A rose arose morose from the garden row and slowly froze.
The weather will be gone
in a day or two.
For now, let's stay inside. By the fireplace abide.
I'm sure it will be fine,
Would I lie to you?


man i wish i had of come up with that weird kind of ryhming thing its really cool, makes your lyrics stand out from the rest ... but i dont like the "The weather will be gone in a day or two." i jus feel that it kinda lets the whole stanza down. I mean it flows fine but i think it needs something more meaningful... that said i cant think of anything better perhaps "Im sure youl be gone in a day or two"??

The poets spoke in prose by the garden row, as if they know.
Their verse will return
with the morning sun.
But for now their blood is cold, like their parting souls.
Which are sure to return
Once they find their tongues.

This i like the more i look at it. I dont like the whole idea of death and departed souls but it probably means something to you and thats what counts right??

I also like the chorus a lot

Each rose that froze now glows, in the garden row, barren of snow.
but the cold is sure
to take them someday.
But for now I'll watch and know. My breath fogs up my window.
On which I'll draw a heart
but it fades away
...and you'll never know.
Also a good couple of lines but the rhyming is almost getting more forced and kinda irritating ... kinda ... but i really like the heart on the window idea

Personaly i'd end it right there and not have the last chorus and the outro thing.. overall an awesome idea id have to give it 8.5/10 btu personaly id have changed it into a more love kind of song but thats the way i am ... awesome song keep up the good work

[Walker]

PS id b really gratefull if you could crit mine cos i need all the help and inspiration i can get

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429689