your breath is taken

[your_mum]

hi, this is my first time posting in this forum so please dont be harsh, anyway, please can you critique the following lyrics please any help is appreciated :thumb: .

We won’t forget,
Angel’s scorch and burn,
Flaming gasoline-infused jelly,
Soaks into your skin and cooks you alive

In a daze to get away
I fall to the ground
Cry myself into bliss
He’s up there laughing

Your flesh boils off the bone,
Your eyeballs melt,
Your brain explodes.
Death delivers.

In a daze to get away
I fall to the ground
Cry myself into bliss
He’s up there laughing

©2005 Asylum of noise

[MidnightHysteria]

It's very incohesive. Your subject changes every stanza. Focus this and make it all about the same thing. If it is all about one thing, I recommend restructuring it to make that more apparent.

[your_mum]

It's very incohesive. Your subject changes every stanza. Focus this and make it all about the same thing. If it is all about one thing, I recommend restructuring it to make that more apparent.
okee dokee thnx :thumb: