Gazers

[RollerQueen]

Long time no see, kids. Life's been busy. You all know the drill. I crit in return within a day or two.

This is a rewrite of an old song. The original lyrics are here (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=65079). The song was written back when I had a band in 2002, and the lyrics remained the same over the past few years. Since I've modified the song to an acoustic arrangement, I figured it'd be fun to write new lyrics. The original is the electric, summery version, and this is the acoustic, wintry version. I'm less serious than normal here, whatever effect that may bring. Let me know what you think.

And yes, I know I was a pompous tart back in the day.


Gazers

Unveiled and clear
Vision is paramount
December air
Stings with ambition

Will you stay 'til winter ends,
In longer days, in shorter shadows?
Our fireplace and firesides,
Obsolete in favour of bedsides.
Cut a sluice into the long,
Twisting arcs of Appalachia,
And watch with me the night's
Writing span of perdition.

Shudder to breathe,
Wispy warmth escaping,
So tell yourself,
"I should have brought a blanket."

Someday, when this is over...
Give up, poet. You're full of it.

We lay all night,
Star-gazing through a sunroof
That won't open.
It's enough, relapse into the solstice.

Will you stay 'til winter ends?

[DeadReligion]

Unveiled and clear
Vision is paramount
December air
Stings with ambition
^ Choppy flow, but the lines are good, especially the second.

Will you stay 'til winter ends,
Fairweather and innocuous?
Firesides are growing dim
With every passing sunset.
Cut a sluice into the long,
Twisting arcs of Appalachia,
And watch with me the night's
Writing span of perdition.
^ I think you meant slice, not sluice. I didn't like the first lines...they seemed rather...whiny. The last three were perfect though, especially the wording.

Shudder to breathe,
Wispy warmth escaping,
So tell yourself,
"I should have brought a blanket."

Someday, when this is over...
Give up, poet. You're full of it
^ I found this all very amusing. The second line though, seems contradictory and out of place though.

Will you stay 'til winter ends?
^ You're better off ending with the previous line, I think.

Overall, this was very good, not that I expected less from you. I'm sorry I wasn't much help...8.5/10.

[SixStringKing]

Unveiled and clear
Vision is paramount
December air
Stings with ambition

i believe the december air line is waht throws te flow off here. because of the way DECEMBER is spoken/read as opposed to unveiled and clear the emphasis is in different areas throwing off the flow.



Will you stay 'til winter ends,
Fairweather and innocuous?
Firesides are growing dim
With every passing sunset.
Cut a sluice into the long,
Twisting arcs of Appalachia,
And watch with me the night's
Writing span of perdition.

okay, lines 1,2 and 3 here are awesome but you really lose the interest with the next two lines.. their just kind of bland, cliche.. the rest of the stanza is also great..wonderful imagery and vocabulary

Shudder to breathe,
Wispy warmth escaping,
So tell yourself,
"I should have brought a blanket."


i like the first two lines, hate the last.. the thing is.. the flow seems to be off.. and the quote makes it a weird read. when you say "you" then "i" i think when sung that would be a hindrance to the understanding of the lyrics.

Someday, when this is over...
Give up, poet. You're full of it.

...um...okay? ...i honestly dont think this was good at all.. "give up poet your full of it" i actually gave out a chuckle when i read this.. but seeing as how i dont think it was made for chuckles i dont like it.

We lay all night,
Star-gazing through a sunroof
That won't open.
It's enough, stung by our ambition.

this is one of the better flowing stanzas..i do not like repeating ambition" maybe try to find a synnonym. (SP) haha im so tired sorry....

over all this was pretty good.. some things could be fixed up but you said this was a while ago so ill go ahead and give you a chance to work on it
hahahah alright do you think you can chack a few of mine out.. itd be awesome if i could get a crit from someone as good as you.. thanks

[MidnightHysteria]

I agree with pretty much everything DR and SSK have said, but I'd also like to compliment you on your stunningly effective use of line breaks. It's been more than a couple weeks since they've been used that well on here. 7¾/10 because there's still a few things that can be tweaked (I won't bother repeating them since they've been pointed out already).

[RollerQueen]

Hm. Yeah, it's rough around the edges. I just haven't written any lyrics in over a month and wanted to do something, however uncharacteristic it may be. I'll be working on it as everything's a work in progress, but thanks, guys.

Oh, and the purpose behind the last line is that I sing one line from the chorus and end on "ends." In the other version, the last line is "Can this lead us to the end?" Ah well.

[RollerQueen]

"Sluice" is as it should be.

Anybody? C'mon, people.

[TojesDolan]

Alright... just because I love you and I'll never have you because like, they'd hang me from a pole or something.


Unveiled and clear
Vision is paramount
December air
Stings with ambition

What was said before, the flow is a bit choppy but a very contentful stanza. some extra words to make it more flow-ey would work in my opinion.


Will you stay 'til winter ends,
In longer days, in shorter shadows?
Our fireplace and firesides,
Obsolete in favour of bedsides.
Cut a sluice into the long,
Twisting arcs of Appalachia,
And watch with me the night's
Writing span of perdition.

Much, much better. The idea is so much clearer and it's very well presented as well. The rhyming scheme is great as well.

Shudder to breathe,
Wispy warmth escaping,
So tell yourself,
"I should have brought a blanket."

Hehe, humor. Nice. I'd say it was... failing but it made me chuckle. :)

Someday, when this is over...
Give up, poet. You're full of it.

We lay all night,
Star-gazing through a sunroof
That won't open.
It's enough, relapse into the solstice.



Will you stay 'til winter ends?

Great way to wrap it up. Usually Revision poems don't have those many flows. This wasn't the exception great work. :thumb:

[deathscreamingsheep]

Unveiled and clear
Vision is paramount
December air
Stings with ambition

I think the choppy flow actually works here. However, as you said it is going to be an acoustic song I think there should be something more of a link made between lines 1 and 2.

Otherwise I liked this first stanza. I have one question though. Are the last two lines supposed to be read is if they are one line? (i.e. they don't have a pause when reading) I think it sounds better if they are read this way.

Will you stay 'til winter ends,
In longer days, in shorter shadows?
Our fireplace and firesides,
Obsolete in favour of bedsides.

There is nothing wrong with these lines par se. However, I think the final line disrupts the flow slightly and seems a little clichéd in this topic.

The next four lines are fantastic though. Especially the "Twisting Arcs of Appalachia" which I really liked.

Overall in that stanza there was some great imagery and it was very well written.

Shudder to breathe,
Wispy warmth escaping,
So tell yourself,
"I should have brought a blanket."

I read the first two lines and thought to myself that it was cliché and about to ruin the whole thing. Then I read the last two and putting them together I have to say that this is my favourite stanza in the entire song. Quite amusing and pointed. Very good.


Someday, when this is over...
Give up, poet. You're full of it

A nice little couplet. I'm guessing this links between the last stanza. I'm not sure that it actually is that out of place at all.

Overall as has been said before it's quite rough and needs a few tweaks, but it is very good indeed and has a lot of promise.

7.5/10

Can you crit my song New Years Day? (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429384)

[RollerQueen]

The lines are separated as they were in the original, and each line is sung over one bar of the chord progression, so that's why things are formatted that way. The few people in this forum who have heard the original should know that the flow works (Ben, Ty, Amanda), so just trust me that it's fine.

Thanks, Tojes. It's good that after that little fight we had when I was being a jerk to that one guy ended amicably.

That huge stanza is the chorus, and yeah, that one line's a bit wordy for its own good... I tried to balance the sophomoric, cliché parts with jabs at myself and at lovesongs (not as much as the song I finished last night, but still), but maybe I could just make the parts better to begin with. I'll work on it.

Return crit in a few minutes...