-last will-

[Cruxiver D'LaVey]

Darkness falls
On her life
Embodiment of hatred
Evil minds of power
Take her in the darkest hour

Stolen from her
Sanctuary
Soiled hands of the impure
Tainted breath of failure
They begin their drunken raid

This is not the first time
Sure won't be the last time
She has felt this pain before
Death now her one escape

Once there was
A better time
That was just too long ago
She was just a young girl
Never plagued by men before

Then she was
Taken by
Her father
For the lust...

He could
Just see her tight flesh
He could
Just barely stand it
She was
Just four years old and
Daddy
Was drunk and blind
High on
His dope and his blow
This was
The first she would know
The first
Time she would bleed
For a man

She knew this was
The last straw
Kill her now
Or die themselves
She could feel her
Mind implode
Wanted pieces back in place

When they began
To score flesh
They reminded her of
Daddy dear
Memory of hurt
So deep
She could not
Outlive the nightmare

When she was
Taken by
Her father
For the lust...

He could
Just see her tight flesh
She was
Just a virgin fresh
She was
Just four years old and
Daddy
Was drunk and blind
High on
His dope and his blow
This was
The first she would know
The first
Time she would bleed
For a man

Mommy wouldn't do a
Mommy wouldn't do a
Mommy wouldn't do a
Mommy wouldn't do a
Damn…
Thing…

She would scream in pain
She would sleep in pain
She would breathe in pain
Mommy wouldn't do a damn thing...


As you'll probably notice, these lyrics were written for music... the only time I've done such a thing. I have recieved no feed back on these anywhere else they're posted, so I'm looking for some here...

[holy_roller99]

Blakc dot ( tommorow)

[DeadReligion]

Whoa somebody needs typing lessons. Put that in your own thread, Fonder.

Darkness falls
On her life
Embodiment of hatred
Evil minds of power
Take her in the darkest hour
^ Could you possibly make this say cliche, just a bit louder? I like the third line, but it certainly isn't original.

Stolen from her
Sanctuary
Soiled hands of the impure
Tainted breath of failure
They begin their drunken raid
^ The first two lines should be one line, and suffer from the same problem as verse 1. However, the last three lines are much better, I particularly liked the last two lines, bravo.

This is not the first time
Sure won't be the last time
She has felt this pain before
Death now her one escape
^ The first three lines are horrid, and cliche. The last one is a good idea, unfortunately, the rest of the verse ruins it, so, keep the final line, and use that idea.

Once there was
A better time
That was just too long ago
She was just a young girl
Never plagued by men before
^ the first two lines, again, should be one, and those lines, along with the third, are completely unoriginal, the last two aren't bad, and setting up the meaning of the song, in my opinion.

Then she was
Taken by
Her father
For the lust...
^ Ah...the meaning finally becomes apparent. This is good, its a very different topic, and rape/incest, I think is a big problem, so...onwards. Although, one last remark, the flow of this verse is absolutely ferocious.

He could
Just see her tight flesh
She was
Just a virgin fresh
She was
Just four years old and
Daddy
Was drunk and blind
High on
His dope and his blow
This was
The first she would know
The first
Time she would bleed
For a man
^ This was disturbing and depressing...it almost made me cry. Like I said, a topic worth tackling, however, again, atrocious flow, absolutely horrible.

She knew this was
The last straw
Kill her now
Or die themselves
She could feel her
Mind implode
Wanted pieces back in place
^ I really like this...I'm not totally sure why.

When they began
To score flesh
They reminded her of
Daddy dear
Memory of hurt
So deep
She could not
Outlive the nightmare
^ Same as above.

He could
Just see her tight flesh
She was
Just a virgin fresh
She was
Just four years old and
Daddy
Was drunk and blind
High on
His dope and his blow
This was
The first she would know
The first
Time she would bleed
For a man
^ Again, good, but the flow is...yuck.

Mommy wouldn't do a
Mommy wouldn't do a
Mommy wouldn't do a
Mommy wouldn't do a
Damn…
Thing…
^ Too much repetition, and I'd take the damn out, only because, it doesn't really fit here...

She would scream in pain
She would sleep in pain
She would breathe in pain
Mommy wouldn't do a damn thing...
^ If you took out the previous damn, I'd replace the damn here with ****in', so its importance is shown...

Overall, this was very very depressing, not to mention disturbing, but, as I've said, a topic worth writing on, as it is a problem. 7/10 (You lose a point for nearly making me cry, heh).

[SixStringKing]

im going to say one thing to you both.. cursing of anytype in a writing is a sign of weakness... find other ways to show power...

[DeadReligion]

It isn't a sign of weakness. Don't be dumb. I don't see "Curse" words, to be different at all, they are words that are intense to a certain extent, more than other words. However, we use them to express ourselves like with any other word. They shouldn't be censored because they are intense, I'm not saying you should overuse them, but you shouldn't avoid them either.

[SixStringKing]

im not saying they should be censored.. but they should at least be used in the write context.. know your definitions.. and you will realize that the words dont fit..literally

[DeadReligion]

What? I'm sorry, I can't read that. To SSK, you said cursing was a sign of weakness, not that the words didn't fit. And by avoiding them, you are censoring them.

[DeadReligion]

Que?

[MidnightHysteria]

Oh, to curse or not to curse.... the eternal debate lives on.


Anyway, I really found your diction to be quite cliché except for the second stanza. Your imagery's alright, but you need to disperse more literary devices throughout this piece. 5/10 for effort (don't be discouraged by that number, often the best writers on here don't get above an 8 from me). Keep writing.

[SixStringKing]

I'd replace the damn here with ****in', so its importance is shown...


okay first.. if he were to use d*mn it would be "d*mned" because d*mn is a verb..

and the text book definition of f*ckin' - To have sexual intercourse with

so replace the original text with f*ckin's definition

Mommy wouldnt do a having sexual intercourse thing
it doesnt make sense...

soooo, dont curse in your writing

[Cruxiver D'LaVey]

Whoa somebody needs typing lessons. Put that in your own thread, Fonder.

Darkness falls
On her life
Embodiment of hatred
Evil minds of power
Take her in the darkest hour
^ Could you possibly make this say cliche, just a bit louder? I like the third line, but it certainly isn't original...

Overall, this was very very depressing, not to mention disturbing, but, as I've said, a topic worth writing on, as it is a problem. 7/10 (You lose a point for nearly making me cry, heh).

yay for quotes!

Anyway, I just want to say thanks for actually critiquing my lyrics! Secondly, I had time restraints when I was writing these, as i set myself with a week as a deadline, drew inspiration from a person's actual experiences, and didn't have much time to fix them. WE decided not to use these, and use the even more clichéd lyrics that I originally wrote in five minutes.

I also write my lyrics how I plan on them flowing, and the way it was broken up was more of a note that only I could understand... but if you heard the music you'd understand as well, maybe, why I wrote it the way I wrote it.

I do need to break out of the shell I seem to be burrowing deeper into, though... and as for the band I was in at the time? Yeah, the other guy had another band he was in before hand, got his job back, and thusly decided to end this one.

Ironically the name of the band was Oddly Tall Jesus (Not my idea, but hey... whatever)

Thanks again!

[Cruxiver D'LaVey]

Actually, I think a bit of the flow problems would be solved if I just uploaded the instrumental version of the song... the only question is where? oO