Strong Stench Of Night, In An Urbanized Battlefield

[DeadReligion]

Strong Stench Of Night, In An Urbanized Battlefield


(Verse 1)
Day turns to an overpowering night
The time people fear, in the streets
Bullets are out, finding prey
Through the air, through the glass
Knives are out, finding a heartbeat
They plunge through to stop the noise

(Bridge)
There is a strong stench of night
In this urbanized battlefield
Streetlamps are the night vision goggles
Traffic lights are the infrared scopes
But even gunshots can sound beautiful
Three hundred miles away…

(Verse 2)
Goodnight, don’t let the bed bugs bite
They are the venomous and infectious demons
They tear at your flesh, and destroy good dreams
What does “sweet dreams” mean?
When you live life on a battlefield that is physical and psychosomatic
Will sweet dreams come, when your face is splattered with the blood of friends?

Talk about getting smoke in your eyes…

[MidnightHysteria]

The first verse and the bridge have a good rhythm and fantastic imagery. I thoroughly enjoyed them. The second verse, however, has a nonexistant flow and really cheesy content in ther first four lines. If I were you, I'd scratch them and expand upon the last two lines to fill out the entire verse.

[RollerQueen]

Hm... Good personification of the murder instruments. You may have something there. I'd word the first line differently, though. The bridge its a little underdeveloped, stinted, but nevertheless has its strengths. By just saying "this is that," you rob the piece by being too direct, providing a crippling counterpoint to the personification of the first verse. A simple thing to fix, though. By the second verse, all bets are off. I didn't like it very much. The last lines are odd, but I like them because I'm a gangster like that.

In short, the first verse is the watermark. Don't use passive voice ("be" verbs) in the bridge. Retool the second verse as MidnightHysteria is right - it's rather cheesy. Have a good day, too.