Nearly an Hour (Crit to be crit)

[BlackVanillaSky]

Hey guys, this is my latest song. I actually like the lyrics and the music (I should be posting the music in the other forum soon. I suppose if you're interested and would like a crit of your own song as well you can check it out.) I'd really appreciate ant critique. It's nice posting here, you get honest answers and it makes you work harder. I will of course crit yours as well as long as a link is provided, that helps. (I know this may look long but it's just that the prechorus and chorus are repeated in the order that they are played.)
*Decided to post the music in here too because I don't know if it's as enjoyable without it. Here it is: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=360594
Thanks

Nearly An Hour
It's been nearly an hour now
With my phone in the palm of my hand
Trying to find the words to say
To help to get you to understand
Now the operator chimes in and
Reminds me I should hang up and dial again

But I've got time
To sit and listen
To the sounds my dyin
Phone is makin

Maybe I'm just a little lost
Looking for love in all the wrong spots
But I believe in you
I believe this time it might be true

I never ever had the feelin that the
Seasons wouldn't change
But lately I have found myself
Stuck in my own time frame
And soon I'll be off this chair
Living my life the way I should
But as for now

I've got time
To sit and listen
To the sounds my dyin
Phone is makin

Maybe I'm just a little lost
Looking for love in all the wrong spots
But I believe in you
I believe this time it might be true

Don't you tell me
Don't you break me
I've been so damn worried
That I might not be enough
For anything or anyone
But I guess we all in time
Will find the answers to the
Questions that plague our mind
But for now

I've got time
To sit and listen
To the sounds my dyin
Phone is makin

Maybe I'm just a little lost
Looking for love in all the wrong spots
But I believe in you
I believe this time it might be true

Thanks a lot guys!

[MidnightHysteria]

In general, it's mediocre. There isn't really anything painfully bad (well, maybe all the clichés in the chorus...), and there are some cute ideas, but nothing to leap out and make me say "oh god this guy's a master poet." The lack of literary devices is what's preventing that. It looks like the first 2 lines of the second verse coudl, for instance, be used to start a really good metaphor, but then you don't really do much with them.

PS: If you want to look at some of my work, there should be something floating around page 1 still.

[SixStringKing]

this wasnt a bad piece.. im guessing its acoustic?

I love the first verse.. except the word "chimes" its just way too freaking happy of a word..


I never ever had the feelin that the
Seasons wouldn't change
But lately I have found myself
Stuck in my own time frame
And soon I'll be off this chair
Living my life the way I should
But as for now

i didnt really find the flow here.. i didnt like the way it was writting..and this brought no new ideas to the table and was terribly cliche

other than that tho.. im feeling the song..
so as a song 7.5/10
as a piece of writing 5/10

use more literary devices and stay away from cliches and im sure youll be fine..

crit mine if you would

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429037

[spongebath01]

Sorry for the delayed post, but I've been busy recently.


It's been nearly an hour now
With the phone in the palm of my hand
Trying to find the words to say
Trying to get you to understand
Now the operator chimes in and
Reminds me I should hang up and dial again

But I've got time
To sit and listen
To the sounds my dyin
Phone is makin

Last to lines are not very good.

Maybe I'm just a little lost
Looking for love in all the wrong spots
But I believe in you
I believe this time it might be true

Rhymes are too forced. Message is cliche. Think of other ways to say same thing.

I never ever had the feelin that the
Seasons wouldn't change
But lately I have found myself
Stuck in my own time frame
And soon I'll be off this chair
Living my life the way I should
But as for now

You're doing something weird here. I'm sure it fits better with the music but the 7 lines doesn't really work. The line about the chair is awkward.

I've got time
To sit and listen
To the sounds my dyin
Phone is makin

Maybe I'm just a little lost
Looking for love in all the wrong spots
But I believe in you
I believe this time it might be true

Don't you tell me
Don't you break me
I've been so damn worried
That I might not be enough
For anything or anyone
But I guess we all in time
Will find the answers to the
Questions that plague our mind
But for now

Very cliche.


I've got time
To sit and listen
To the sounds my dyin
Phone is makin

Maybe I'm just a little lost
Looking for love in all the wrong spots
But I believe in you
I believe this time it might be true


Overall it wasn't terrible. Definatly room for improvement. Many awkward lines and forced rhymes. It's definatly very very cliche, but it's a love song. It's expected. It's not bad but it definatly lacks originality.

[Chameleonst]

I felt that the general concept was good, your use of vocabulary was appropriate, and that overall I could imagine it as a song (aka imagery), but the thing that really stuck out like a sore thumb was the chorus:

I've got time
To sit and listen
To the sounds my dyin
Phone is makin



For some reason I think this chorus would be highly more successful if you cut out the last two lines and changed it to this:

I've got time
To sit and listen
To my dying phone


It's not a whole lot better but it's less forced than the original.