The Ropes That Bind Us; The Walls That Set The Boundaries

[DeadReligion]

The Ropes That Bind Us; The Walls That Set The Boundaries


(Verse 1)
The repetition exceeds and fails everyone’s needs
Don’t pay attention, to the city that bleeds
Don’t mind the time, lounge and dine
When time stops we’ll let you know
When transcendence and superiority come about
You will be warned, its your turn to transform

(Verse 2)
Time is pain, like the turn of a wheel on a torture machine
It goes, with the ebbs and flows
Of this daunting and haunting tide
Drops of water up in the air
Come down like mortars on a midnight battlefield,
Petty flashes of light that end the life

(Verse 3)
Time is as fragile as paper, flimsy and frail
Shown in the tears of newspapers
A crack in the glass on the faces of clocks
A grinding halt of the grandfather gears

(Outro)
Time is the chains and time is the ropes
That binds our very existence, and stunts our abilities
Time is the walls and time is the fences
That sets our boundaries, and confines us

[SixStringKing]

okay, im going to start by saying that the rhyming in the first stanza.. there was just too much.. it seemed really forced i really was not a fan..

When transcendence and superiority come about

i did like that line tho.. very nice line.. everything else.. not so much


Time is pain, like the turn of a wheel on a torture machine
It goes, with the ebbs and flows
Of this daunting and haunting tide
Drops of water up in the air
Come down like mortars on a midnight battlefield,
Petty flashes of light that end the life

okay this was much much better the only problem i had with this was the last line. kind of cliche and seemed forced.

Time is as fragile as paper, flimsy and frail
Shown in the tears of newspapers
A crack in the glass on the faces of clocks
A grinding halt of the grandfather gears

okay loved this very nice but this i think is where you should rhyme.. rearrange the words in the second line so TEARS is at the end.. then keep everything else the same.

Time is the chains and time is the ropes
That binds our very existence, and stunts our abilities
Time is the walls and time is the fences
That sets our boundaries, and confines us

not bad at all.. except "time is the fences" kind of throws me off.. but other wise not bad..

re look at that first paragraph.. and i dont have time to get you a link right now but do you think you could crit my new one please?

[MidnightHysteria]

I'm sorry, man. This might be the worst thing you've posted in weeks. I really found it entirely subpar except for the alliteration in the last line of verse 3 because alliterations are cool.

[RollerQueen]

Twenty points for "When time stops, we'll let you know" line. That is great.

What you have here is a dynamic between clichés and original ideas, an ironic play on the title and premise of the piece. You're at your strongest when you're not going with standard imagery commonly used with time. That mortar-flash part's great, and it'd do the piece a great service to put forth more images like that. The time/water, time/clock, time/machine, and time/tether themes have been well-explored, and there's little left under the sun for that, so you need to be thinking differently. The "mortar" lines do just that. Otherwise, you sort of come off sounding pseudo-intellectual.

Off to crit your other piece! Fie!