Like rain drops on window sills

[SixStringKing]

Crit for Crit of course..
I think i actually like this one...tear it up tho please..
==========================================


A gentle pearl coat breathes through pores,
Those petty blemishes of perfection,
Can be concealed by cover-ups and cloaks,
But lose their slight signature textures

Wait a few more years for the walls to come down.
Then you can let your finger,
Synchronized with rivets,
Trickle through your broken brick laid veins

Like rain drops on window sills
More of a hindrance than anything else

A sturdy iron oak ages with such grace,
Though slightly splintered and serrated,
Will be widdled into a wondrous figure
But will lose its Identity and lessen in value

Just a little bit longer and the frame work will break.
Then you will see for yourself,
What structural disaster,
Architectural genius has become.

Like rain drops on window sills
More of a hindrance than anything else

[CrazyBass30]

Good song, but my only question is: Why is Identity capitalized, is it a hidden meaning or something?
A sturdy iron oak ages with such grace,
Though slightly splintered and serrated,
Will be widdled into a wondrous figure
But will lose its Identity and lessen in value

[DeadReligion]

A gentle pearl coat breathes through pores,
Those petty blemishes of perfection,
Can be concealed by cover-ups and cloaks,
But lose their slight signature textures
^ pearl coat is a little odd, only because coats aren't made from pearl, then again, thats why we have poetc license, although, maybe you meant pearlescent, I'm not sure, cool line anyway. The meaning I'm getting from this is probably different from what you intended, still its very good.

Wait a few more years for the walls to come down.
Then you can let your finger,
Synchronized with rivets,
Trickle through your broken brick laid veins
^ The imagery/description here is astonishing, I like how broken kind of rhymes with brick, but it doesn't, and rivets isn't somethng I hear in lyrics alot, and certainly not in tandem with fingers. I love your originality in description and ideas here.

Like rain drops on window sills
More of a hindrance than anything else
^ I don't see how rain drops can really be a hindrance on window sills, but maybe, it is interesting though.

A sturdy iron oak ages with such grace,
Though slightly splintered and serrated,
Will be widdled into a wondrous figure
But will lose its Identity and lessen in value
^ Heh, oak is such a cool word, a bit used, but its a cool word. I really like the next two lines. The meaning I'm getting from this, is how people are so worried about looks, both in being ugly, and for some people, appearing to look "old". If I'm right (Which I kind of doubt...) then "and lessen in value" doesn't make any sense there.

Just a little bit longer and the frame work will break.
Then you will see for yourself,
What structural disaster,
Architectural genius has become.
^ I really like word wording here, for the second half of line and, and lines 3 and 4. A great verse.

Like rain drops on window sills
More of a hindrance than anything else^ The repetition is okay... I'd make two or three more lines (separate) for a better ending, that had to do with rain and windows without using the same two lines.

8/10

[SixStringKing]

hahaha dude... actually stanza one.. the pearl coat.. is reffering to the shiney white coat of paint on my wall..i was describing my wall.. and in stanza 4 i was describing my doors wood frame..cuz it has a little thing carved in the corner..

[FungusAmngus870]

i really like the song itself but the title always brings my mind to Thursday's "this song has been brought to you by a falling bomb", just may want to consider a title change.

[Aklerc]

A gentle pearl coat breathes through pores,
Those petty blemishes of perfection,
Can be concealed by cover-ups and cloaks,
But lose their slight signature textures
Oooh a subtle little rhyme there, very nice. I wouldn't change anything here. A good strong structure and flow.

Wait a few more years for the walls to come down.
Then you can let your finger,
Synchronized with rivets,
Trickle through your broken brick laid veins
Very well written I must say... but there seems to be no particular rhythm here, was that on purpose?

Like rain drops on window sills
More of a hindrance than anything else
This is good, sounds like there could be an extra syllable in the first line though.

A sturdy iron oak ages with such grace,
Though slightly splintered and serrated,
Will be widdled into a wondrous figure
But will lose its Identity and lessen in value
This almost has an iambic pentameter to it. Saying that the last line seems a bit cramped. 'Widdled' seems like a odd word to use. I like the 'lose its identity idea', very nice.

Just a little bit longer and the frame work will break.
Then you will see for yourself,
What structural disaster,
Architectural genius has become.
I love this bit, the flow works well and it's been written perfectly. If it was me writing it, I would take the comma out of the 3rd line, creating an enjambment (where the line runs on into the other). When reading through, it sounds like there should be no pause there. It would read easier without it IMO.

Like rain drops on window sills
More of a hindrance than anything else
Nice, strong ending. Good one.


Overall this was a nice, original piece *applauds*. The things I've pointed out are kinda small in most places. Well done. I give you 8/10. Thanks for my crit.

[Nic__]

I liked it, very emotional and avant garde. I liked the way you didnt sing to the the paper, but to the listener. well done.

[RollerQueen]

Iambic pentameter, there? Nope.

Hm... First impression? It's too purple, too flowery with its language without saying what it could. Of everything you say, the lines that seem to carry the most meaning don't appear until the end: "What structural disaster/Architectural genius has become." The rest is a battle between sophomoric ideas and adult-minded descriptive thinking that clashes quite a bit.

I do like the flashes of abstractness. "Rivets" is indeed a fine word choice, and "oak" is always good to see and hear because of its reputation for sturdiness and resilience. Your explanation of the "pearl coat" brought some more dynamic, too, and grounded the part into a tangible image.

My suggestions? Change the title and say what you want to say without dancing around it so much. Not too shabby, though.

[BlackVanillaSky]

Hey, thanks a lot for criting mine. I appreciate it.

Let me start off by saying that I picture Phish singing this. I'm not really sure why, I could be so wrong with your intentions of what the music may sound like to this..but..regardless. I think it's the lines:

"Like rain drops on window sills
More of a hindrance than anything else"

That remind me of Phish's "Pebbles and Marbles"

Anyway. My favorite stanza was:

"Just a little bit longer and the frame work will break.
Then you will see for yourself,
What structural disaster,
Architectural genius has become."

Verrry nice job on that one. I like it a lot.

Overall: 8/10

If anyone else could crit mine I'd appreciate it: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429183

[bassduder14]

i really like the song itself but the title always brings my mind to Thursday's "this song has been brought to you by a falling bomb", just may want to consider a title change.

yes i agree,the song is very well done, but change the title maybe somthing that isn't in the song sort of a metaphor for that title but its always your choice, good job on the song