Fate Set In Stone

[Herbert]

These are my lyrics I've written for the song competition in The Jam Session. Be uber critical and lots of suggestions would be very appreciated. Crit for crit :)

Verse 1
Faceless beings all surround me,
Emotions I can't feel.
Through these eyes I can't see,
Clouded with self obsessed tears.
Selfishly blinded from beauty,
The stars taunting me up high.
Music scratching at my ears,
Release my pain tonight.

Chorus
I trip, I stumble,
The ground meets my face.
There's breathing behind me;
A pungent smell of fate.
My name is written boldly
On an ageing stone.
I've been released from my life,
But I'm still alone.

Verse 2
If I can't find beauty here,
Is there a point in looking?
While angels eyes softly glisten
In the rich, smooth skin of night.
If no one can find beauty here,
Those eyes will surely weep.
A solemn day will hold the world,
If every person were to turn blind.

Bridge
My fate is written
by the hand that gives us breath.
But I was too late to see,
There lies no beauty after death.


I'm not sure on where the bridge will fit, or repeats of chorus, I'll be figuring that out later. Now do not misinterpret this as the *uh hum* "emo" or a feel-sorry-for-yourself song. It's more about how stupid it is to be depressed in a world like this. Okey doo.

[MidnightHysteria]

Verse 1
Faceless beings all surround me,
Emotions I can't feel.
Through these eyes I can't see,
Clouded with self obsessed tears.
Selfishly blinded from beauty,
The stars taunting me up high.
Music scratching at my ears,
Release my pain tonight.
I don't like the first line. It leads me to suspect that the piece will be about faceless beings, which it isn't. The rest is solid. Not bad at all, but there isn't anything in here that's wonderfully attention-getting either. Very functional, assuming you have sufficiently emotive music, but I'm sure you could do better.

Chorus
I trip, I stumble,
The ground meets my face.
There's breathing behind me;
A pungent smell of fate.
My name is written boldly
On an ageing stone.
I've been released from my life,
But I'm still alone.
This almost seems like you're telling two completely different narratives in the first and second halves, and neither of them is quite the story you began with in the first verse. You need to be more cohesive.

Verse 2
If I can't find beauty here,
Is there a point in looking?
While angels eyes softly glisten
In the rich, smooth skin of night.
If no one can find beauty here,
Those eyes will surely weep.
A solemn day will hold the world,
If every person were to turn blind.
This is pretty cool. I like it as a standalone, but since the piece is so incohesive, I'm not sure how to attach it to the whole. Also, for some reason, it reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Bells" but I can't place my finger on why.

Bridge
My fate is written
by the hand that gives us breath.
But I was too late to see,
There lies no beauty after death.
The flow here is odd. The first line is too short, I think. Try adding a couple of syllables. While you're at it, see if you can find a less overused rhyme than "breath" and "death" (hint: most of them are).

On a whole, I can see that this thing's got potential because of the imagery and diction, but it needs to be focused onto one topic. I liked the topic of verse 2 myself, and would like to see an entire song on that, but it's up to you. Keep working on it.

[Herbert]

I don't like the first line. It leads me to suspect that the piece will be about faceless beings, which it isn't. The rest is solid. Not bad at all, but there isn't anything in here that's wonderfully attention-getting either. Very functional, assuming you have sufficiently emotive music, but I'm sure you could do better.


This almost seems like you're telling two completely different narratives in the first and second halves, and neither of them is quite the story you began with in the first verse. You need to be more cohesive.


This is pretty cool. I like it as a standalone, but since the piece is so incohesive, I'm not sure how to attach it to the whole. Also, for some reason, it reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Bells" but I can't place my finger on why.


The flow here is odd. The first line is too short, I think. Try adding a couple of syllables. While you're at it, see if you can find a less overused rhyme than "breath" and "death" (hint: most of them are).

On a whole, I can see that this thing's got potential because of the imagery and diction, but it needs to be focused onto one topic. I liked the topic of verse 2 myself, and would like to see an entire song on that, but it's up to you. Keep working on it.
I'll try to explain best I can. The theme we have been given is 'you're walking through a graveyard and come across your own grave'. So the first verse is about being depressed and not seeing any beauty in life at all. The chorus is me finding my grave and realising 'dangnabbit I'm gonna die, and it hasn't helped me one bit to stop being depressed'. The second verse is me know realising that if no one saw any beauty in the world like I did in the first verse, then it indeed would be a solemn day for the world. The bridge basically ends it saying that I can't change my fate, but I've realised that beauty is in life, and not death. Thanks for the crit by the way :)

[Nightvision]

Thanks muchly for the crit on my piece. :)

Faceless beings all surround me,
Emotions I can't feel.
Through these eyes I can't see

The 'all' in your first line is extraneous - you can cut it and either leave it cut, or you can put something with a little more flavour in its place. Also, your second and third lines imply that you take in emotions through your eyes, which is pretty unusual - a little tweak in your wording will remedy that.

Clouded with self obsessed tears.
Selfishly blinded from beauty,
The stars taunting me up high.

Third line is gorgeous, although maybe change it just a fraction to 'taunt me from'? The rest is okay, but a little bit melodramatic, which kind of pushes the reader back a little bit.

Music scratching at my ears,
Release my pain tonight.

Nice metaphor in the first line, although be careful your second line isn't misconstrued as emo cliche crap. There are those who will dismiss your entire song on that one line.

I trip, I stumble,
The ground meets my face.
There's breathing behind me;
A pungent smell of fate.

Nice half rhyme in lines 2/4, although I'd consider something a little shorter and snappier in line 4 - it only needs modifying by one syllable, but maybe shift the imagery a bit to make it seem that it's fate behind you?

My name is written boldly
On an ageing stone.
I've been released from my life,
But I'm still alone.

Your first line's a bit clunky - 'my name is written' is just to many words describing nothing really... condense it and add some more spice to it. The last line is a little bit self-indulgent, and although I know that's your intention, it doesn't really come off the way you were probably hoping.

If I can't find beauty here,
Is there a point in looking?
While angels eyes softly glisten
In the rich, smooth skin of night.

Your third and fourth lines are gooooorgeous imagery, keep them at all costs. The other two aren't spectacular, but do a job I guess.

If no one can find beauty here,
Those eyes will surely weep.
A solemn day will hold the world,
If every person were to turn blind.

This wasn't bad, but the last two lines feel a little bit on the preachy side, which I know you probably haven't intended. I see what you've tried to do, and it's a nice idea, it just needs some reworking. :)

My fate is written
by the hand that gives us breath.
But I was too late to see,
There lies no beauty after death.

Nice, but your third line is a bit dull - 'I was too late to see' is really plain - tune it up a bit and give it something extra. :)

Overall:
For the most part, this is fairly good - you stray into the mires of cliche and self-pity on the occasional line, but on the same note, you had lines in there that were nothing short of breathtaking. If you can finetune the pieces I highlighted, this could be a very good piece indeed. You are trying to do a tricky thing here - you're aiming for a self-pity feel to this, but on the same note you need to avoid cliche, which is a difficult thing to do when dealing with self-pity. You haven't done a bad job here, but there's plenty of room for improvement. :)

Score:

75%

[Herbert]

Thanks muchly for the crit on my piece. :)

Faceless beings all surround me,
Emotions I can't feel.
Through these eyes I can't see

The 'all' in your first line is extraneous - you can cut it and either leave it cut, or you can put something with a little more flavour in its place. Also, your second and third lines imply that you take in emotions through your eyes, which is pretty unusual - a little tweak in your wording will remedy that.

Clouded with self obsessed tears.
Selfishly blinded from beauty,
The stars taunting me up high.

Third line is gorgeous, although maybe change it just a fraction to 'taunt me from'? The rest is okay, but a little bit melodramatic, which kind of pushes the reader back a little bit.

Music scratching at my ears,
Release my pain tonight.

Nice metaphor in the first line, although be careful your second line isn't misconstrued as emo cliche crap. There are those who will dismiss your entire song on that one line.

I trip, I stumble,
The ground meets my face.
There's breathing behind me;
A pungent smell of fate.

Nice half rhyme in lines 2/4, although I'd consider something a little shorter and snappier in line 4 - it only needs modifying by one syllable, but maybe shift the imagery a bit to make it seem that it's fate behind you?

My name is written boldly
On an ageing stone.
I've been released from my life,
But I'm still alone.

Your first line's a bit clunky - 'my name is written' is just to many words describing nothing really... condense it and add some more spice to it. The last line is a little bit self-indulgent, and although I know that's your intention, it doesn't really come off the way you were probably hoping.

If I can't find beauty here,
Is there a point in looking?
While angels eyes softly glisten
In the rich, smooth skin of night.

Your third and fourth lines are gooooorgeous imagery, keep them at all costs. The other two aren't spectacular, but do a job I guess.

If no one can find beauty here,
Those eyes will surely weep.
A solemn day will hold the world,
If every person were to turn blind.

This wasn't bad, but the last two lines feel a little bit on the preachy side, which I know you probably haven't intended. I see what you've tried to do, and it's a nice idea, it just needs some reworking. :)

My fate is written
by the hand that gives us breath.
But I was too late to see,
There lies no beauty after death.

Nice, but your third line is a bit dull - 'I was too late to see' is really plain - tune it up a bit and give it something extra. :)

Overall:
For the most part, this is fairly good - you stray into the mires of cliche and self-pity on the occasional line, but on the same note, you had lines in there that were nothing short of breathtaking. If you can finetune the pieces I highlighted, this could be a very good piece indeed. You are trying to do a tricky thing here - you're aiming for a self-pity feel to this, but on the same note you need to avoid cliche, which is a difficult thing to do when dealing with self-pity. You haven't done a bad job here, but there's plenty of room for improvement. :)

Score:

75%
Thankyou, that has helped A LOT. Yeah I knew the cliché bits sounded a bit too emo, I need to work them a bit. I hate writing about self pity, which is why I've angled it towards being more 'depression is stupid in a world so beautiful' kind of way. But thanks again, good crit.

[Nightvision]

Meh, no problem... I remember you in here a while back, so it's always good to see peeps posting songs again. :)

In other news, I'm going to call you Herbivore. :p

[Herbert]

Meh, no problem... I remember you in here a while back, so it's always good to see peeps posting songs again. :)

In other news, I'm going to call you *Herbivore. :p
*Herbivator :smoke:

[Nightvision]

I prefer Herbivore, but I guess I can use both. :D

[TojesDolan]

Hello.

Verse 1
Faceless beings all surround me,
Emotions I can't feel.
Through these eyes I can't see,
Clouded with self obsessed tears.
Selfishly blinded from beauty,
The stars taunting me up high.
Music scratching at my ears,
Release my pain tonight.

mmm... OK. It's very simple, but the message it carries seems to be much, much deeper than it was written like. Nonetheless, I know your writing isn't exactly a thesaurus, which is good, don't get me wrong, but... ugh my train of thought. The second line is awkward. I'd play around with the meaning behind it a little bit to make it somehow different. the rest is OK.

Chorus
I trip, I stumble,
The ground meets my face.
There's breathing behind me;
A pungent smell of fate.
My name is written boldly
On an ageing stone.
I've been released from my life,
But I'm still alone.

"Carved in thick stone,
I fall upon my eathly name"

Something a little more confusing. It might work. The rest is fine.

Verse 2
If I can't find beauty here,
Is there a point in looking?
While angels eyes softly glisten
In the rich, smooth skin of night.
If no one can find beauty here,
Those eyes will surely weep.
A solemn day will hold the world,
If every person were to turn blind.

As Jason said, second and third line shine upon the rest, mess a little with the other ones to make it more interesting.

Bridge
My fate is written
by the hand that gives us breath.
But I was too late to see,
There lies no beauty after death.

First two lines were cliché.

Anyhow, I liked what I read here, but it still seems pretty much like a bare-bones edition. It definitely needs some work here and there changing the order of the thing you write, etc. etc. It's a great idea, it just needs a lot of work to make it really stand out.

[SixStringKing]

Verse 1
Faceless beings all surround me,
Emotions I can't feel.
Through these eyes I can't see,
Clouded with self obsessed tears.
Selfishly blinded from beauty,
The stars taunting me up high.
Music scratching at my ears,
Release my pain tonight.

i think the self obsessed tears line throws off the flow of this piece... i think it because it throws off the rhyme scheme youve got going on. it just seems like it is taking me forever to find the next rhyming word.. kind of dragging the stanza on a bit.. also.. the tears and ears rhyme seemed a little forced..

I trip, I stumble,
The ground meets my face.
There's breathing behind me;
A pungent smell of fate.
My name is written boldly
On an ageing stone.
I've been released from my life,
But I'm still alone.

okay i really like this part because i really "felt the flow like whoah" that is up until "ive been released from my life" i think it would sound better like "It has released me from my life" i think the extra syllable flows better

If I can't find beauty here,
Is there a point in looking?
While angels eyes softly glisten
In the rich, smooth skin of night.
If no one can find beauty here,
Those eyes will surely weep.
A solemn day will hold the world,
If every person were to turn blind.

okay...this is written well but, i dont think it keeps the same idea as the rest of the piece.. and the last line doesnt seem to it in with the flow again the "were to turn" and the way its worded kills it i think

My fate is written
by the hand that gives us breath.
But I was too late to see,
There lies no beauty after death.

lines 1 2 and 3 are awesome.. 3 is just kinda like blah.. like you didnt care about it but you needed it to make the story work..

My Rating: meh..

this piece wasnt anything like "whoah" but it wasnt like "ZzzzZZZzzzz"
just fix up the flow a bit.. maybe add some imagery cuz there really wasnt much description to anything..
reread rewrite repost and ill reply

could you take a look at mine pleasE?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429037

[Cripple]

I didn't read all of the above posts, so if some of what I say is repetetive, my apologies.


Verse 1
Faceless beings all surround me,
Emotions I can't feel.
Through these eyes I can't see,
Clouded with self obsessed tears.
Selfishly blinded from beauty,
The stars taunting me up high.
Music scratching at my ears,
Release my pain tonight.

The first line would be better off "Faceless beings surround me"; it would help the flow. The 2nd and 3rd lines sound repetitive with talking about things you "can't" do. Maybe you should say "Blinded by these unforgiving eyes" - or something to that extent? (But if you do do that, you'd have to change the 5th line to selfishly hidden or an antonym of blinded). I like the idea of the stars taunting in the 6th line.


Chorus
I trip, I stumble,
The ground meets my face.
There's breathing behind me;
A pungent smell of fate.
My name is written boldly
On an ageing stone.
I've been released from my life,
But I'm still alone.

The first line is weak. It lacks description. Add an adjective or two in there. I like the line "A pungent smell of fate", but "I've been released from my life" could use some work. It's a bit cliché.


Verse 2
If I can't find beauty here,
Is there a point in looking?
While angels eyes softly glisten
In the rich, smooth skin of night.
If no one can find beauty here,
Those eyes will surely weep.
A solemn day will hold the world,
If every person were to turn blind.

First two lines are excellent. Next two are very cliché again. Angels and smooth skin usually are. Trying finding a unique word to go with skin, because "skin of the night" is very good, just not the adjectives you used with skin. The last line ruins the chorus IMO. It doesn't flow that well, and it doesn't sound thought out at all. Try making a metaphor to turning blind and put it in there.


Bridge
My fate is written
by the hand that gives us breath.
But I was too late to see,
There lies no beauty after death.

Nothing wrong with the bridge, excpet that usually bridges bring something new to the song, and this one just repeats what's already been said.


Overall, I think you've definatley got the right idea, but keep working. You're a solid writer, but you need to express you're ideas a bit better.

7.8/10


And if you've got the time, could you check out some of my work? Thanks

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=428029

[Herbert]

Shabump.

[ATC]

Verse 1
Faceless beings all surround me,
Emotions I can't feel.
Through these eyes I can't see,
Clouded with self obsessed tears.
Selfishly blinded from beauty,
The stars taunting me up high.
Music scratching at my ears,
Release my pain tonight.

This is about average. The beginning didn't draw me in much. Faceless anything tends to be a big cliche. You could do without the with in the fourth line if you add a comma. I prefer not to have phrases form a stanza. While it's a personal preference, I'd think you'd benefit from linking your phrases together. For example, change the end of line 6 to a comma and you're freed up to not use '-ing'. That being said, I like the ending section.


Chorus
I trip, I stumble,
The ground meets my face.
There's breathing behind me;
A pungent smell of fate.
My name is written boldly
On an ageing stone.
I've been released from my life,
But I'm still alone.

I can see the flow here and it'd probably be pretty catchy. Lines 2 and 3 don't go well together though. The rest captures the chorus feel quite nicely. Good job.


Verse 2
If I can't find beauty here,
Is there a point in looking?
While angels eyes softly glisten
In the rich, smooth skin of night.
If no one can find beauty here,
Those eyes will surely weep.
A solemn day will hold the world,
If every person were to turn blind.

Cliche abounds here. Excepting lines 3 and 4 (which aren't cliche free themselves), the rest is nothing special. It ends well though.


Bridge
My fate is written
by the hand that gives us breath.
But I was too late to see,
There lies no beauty after death.

Effective, reiterates the message of the chorus.
All in all, its el averageo. Nothing original is said lyrically. Maybe the music adds something. Read up on your Stephen Fry. :)

Here's mine if you want to take a look.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429825