Dancing with the Devil

[spielt_mir]

Dressed in despair
(flecked with pain, stained with arrogance)
Lavender scented
(wrestling with a smell of fear)
Hardened glare, Ripping (through my eyes and out the other side)
Discomfort
(hollows me out)

chorus
Dancing with the devil, im playing with fire here
(desperation)
I'm flying with Icarus wings
(there's no safety on) My Magnum


Dressed in despair
(flecked with pain, stained with arrogance)
Discomfort
(hollows me out)


You stole the words, from my mouth
(put them back)
You're spoken favour, rings out
(a heart of stone)
You stole my words...
You're spoken favour rings out

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

It's not that i really dislike it, but I'm sorry i have to admit i don't find it something special.. I don't know how you wanted it to put in a song ( if it is a song), but i just can get the flow right if you get me..

anyways I think it would be rather nice for some death/blach/goth metal music..

[MidnightHysteria]

The first verse is pretty solid, but the rest is all woefully cliché. You've got a decent idea (not a great one, but not a bad one either) but it needs more development. Remember that literary devices are your friends.

[spielt_mir]

It's not that i really dislike it, but I'm sorry i have to admit i don't find it something special.. I don't know how you wanted it to put in a song ( if it is a song), but i just can get the flow right if you get me..

anyways I think it would be rather nice for some death/blach/goth metal music..


yeh its death metal blood

and i see where ur coming from there, thnaks

[SixStringKing]

okay... first verse is okay... only one thing id change..

Hardened glare, Ripping (through my eyes and out the other side)

hardened glare is ok.. but after that the whole thing is just ruined..

Okay and in the Chorus.. is not good.. the only good line is the icarus line.. and even that is very cliche for metal..


the repitition after the chorus is pretty.. blah





and in the last stanza the (put them back) line.. is not good.. very cheesy.. and the repitition at the end.. pretty bland again

over all.. think harder.. work harder.. reread rewrite repost and ill reply


could you check mine out please?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429037

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

Immortal Technique - Dance with the Devil

[SixStringKing]

wtf is that voodoo?

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

one of the few, the proud, the good rap songs.

[SixStringKing]

hahah okay but what does that hasve to do with this thread.. cept the name

[nonamemadox]

the words in() are supposed to be screamed or yelled or somthing right?

[DeadReligion]

The dancing with the devil thing is horrible...its so overused, the first verse was pretty damn good though, as was the part about Icarus. The rest is...cliche and blatant.