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Bemis
12-09-2005, 10:22 AM
burn a hole..
extract the heart...
watch the human body fall apart...

lay it down...
lacerate the skin...
plant the device so deep the surgeons can't get in...

telepathic misery...
a systematic disease...
never to dream again...
more cut throat machinery...

programmed minds...
with nowhere to hide...
from world corruption and human genocide...

leave behind...
your belongings at the door..
the life that you know of will be gone forever more...

act now before it's too late...
DeadReligion
12-09-2005, 10:44 AM
The first part is really cool. Usually rhyming just annoys me. However, that rhyme just...sounded good to me. The second part isn't bad, however, I don't think there is a place that deep, maybe say something about how its so well connected the surgeons can't safely remove it...or something to that extent. The next part, seems like a chorus, and as far as choruses go, its not bad, the third line seems a little weird and out of place though. The next part I really like, and can't think of anything to change there. In the next part, I believe you mean "know of". Also, it seems a little cliche and just...not creative. The same goes for the last line. All in all 7.8/10.
Bemis
12-09-2005, 10:54 AM
The first part is really cool. Usually rhyming just annoys me. However, that rhyme just...sounded good to me. The second part isn't bad, however, I don't think there is a place that deep, maybe say something about how its so well connected the surgeons can't safely remove it...or something to that extent. The next part, seems like a chorus, and as far as choruses go, its not bad, the third line seems a little weird and out of place though. The next part I really like, and can't think of anything to change there. In the next part, I believe you mean "know of". Also, it seems a little cliche and just...not creative. The same goes for the last line. All in all 7.8/10.

hey thanks alot for the crit.much appreciated.i corrected that 'know off' part.u were right. im not gonna go into detail about what the song is about but the 'so deep the surgeons cant get in' is supposed to symbolise there being no hope of recovery once 'planted'. the whole surgeory imagery is all symbolic of a deeper meaning. thanks alot anyway,i needed some criticism
MidnightHysteria
12-09-2005, 02:59 PM
It doesn't flow very well, IMO. Content is pretty good though.