Mona Lisa with no smile

[kerazay]

Right... I'm not sure about this one myself. But it all jus flowed out when I was writing it on my cousin's guitar (an accoustic Fender, one of the most beautiful tones ever). It seemed right at the time but I am more of a poet than a songwriter, don't do the lyrics thing as much, normally it's poems THEN I make them songs... but this is a bit of a change for me so I'm interested to see if I should stick to the poetry. Compare this with other works of mine-if you've seen them that is lol-and tell me what I should do instead. I'll leave some links at the bottom of this if you haven't seen them.

How often have you wished
To hear background music
When you make your way through a crowd?
Wanting the happy ending
Erasing all the fears

Take a stand, take a bow
Won't come true, not ever, not now

I can't stand the thought
Of the Mona Lisa with no smile
Sweetest thing upon that face
Look at nothing else
Simple thing holds the strongest place

Try my best to disguise
The hidden deceit in the whitest lies
Feature nothing in the final piece
Throw in disgust to my feet

Take a stand, take a bow
Won't come true, don't ask me how

I can't stand the thought
Of the Mona Lisa with no smile
Sweetest thing upon her face
Look at nothing else
Simple thing holds the strongest place


That's about it... not the best, I know. But be nice, I don't write songs a lot!!! I've put in a few links below so if you're interested in helping me out-or just a damned good Samaritan-check them out. Thank you!!! You don't have to look at them all, or even any of them, I'm just interested to know how one of my few attempts at actual lyrics goes down here!

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=416427
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=299823
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=418558
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=348655

[Bemis]

hey man.i really like your song,keep it up

[kerazay]

thank you!

[Bemis]

do you have any more stuff? if you do,please post some

[DeadReligion]

I saw the Mona Lisa in person...it was disappointing.

[basskid]

thats Really good, I Like it

[MidnightHysteria]

I think it's somewhat incoherent. The third and fourth stanzas seem to me like you're just stringing words together that sound good, but there isn't a really syntax to it. I know you're probably going to claim poetic license, but I at least like writing to have something close to grammar that makes sense.

[schwypees]

I like it... but its really repetitive. The first stanza's got a good idea to it, its just a little choppy. The stanza with "Mona lisa with no..." is okay, but its nothing great. I really like the "Try my best to disguise..." stanza - I think thats the strongest part. And... that pretty much covers the whole song. Short but... well, just short.

Haha I'm kidding, and I can see how it'd fit well to music. Nice job.

[kerazay]

thanks for the crits guys. bubis, i left some links to other stuff of mine so you can check them out if you want. x